I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!
Quinn Beswick, Josh Margolin, Benjamin Smolen, and Nikolai Von Keller
The horror-comedy Deep Murder combines 2 distinctly American traditions: the slasher and s*ftcore er*tic cinema.
I’m writing “softc*re er*tic cinema” instead of “softcore p**n” because I can only write the word “p**n” so many times in a given article before the bots are triggered. They’ll think I’m writing about actual p**n.
Great mechanical overlords! I’m giving abstract objects feelings. Pretty soon I’ll be giving my blow-up doll names like Bette, or Kathy, or Sarah Jessica.
Just let me get back to my review, where was I?
Oh yes, I will be using the phrase “er*tic cinema” because it gives the entire review as well as the movie I’m reviewing a classy sheen. You almost feel like you’re in a fancy restaurant or a spa having all your needs given the utmost importance. Where the lotion smells like fruit and all the hostesses have names with 4 or more syllables.
Anyway, Deep Murder is both a horror movie and softcore po—
You’ll get insertion, but with a serrated knife and not with a p*nis.
Deep Murder opens with film stock which looks like videotape that’s been watched way too many times.
There’s a “Cinerax” logo at the bottom of the screen so the viewer knows he/she (but let’s face it, it’s more than likely a “he”) is watching softcore er*tic cinema at around 3:30 in the morning.
At least that’s what I heard people do when they watch softcore er*tic cinema. I interviewed random people anonymously and quantified the most popular responses so I would have an inkling as to what to convey to you, dear reader as I am ignorant the ways of softcore erotic cinema.
You know the softcore clichés off the top of your head. For the uninitiated…
There are shots of waves right after the cutaway from the onscreen copulation.
Also, shots of candles. Way too many candles that would be in any normal room. It looks like a fire hazard and why would someone take the time to light all those candles.
No one is actually n*ked. All their naughty bits are strategically covered.
Since most softcore doesn’t have a plot, you would be better served if I just introduced the characters. I know when you watch something like this you *really* care about story, but you’ll just have to bear with me.
Let’s meet everyone…
- Richard Dangler AKA D*ck (Christopher “Scooter McGavin” McDonald)- He’s an investor person and the patriarch of the Dangler family. He’s so busy making money he doesn’t realize…
- Babs Dangler (Katie Aselton) – She’s Richard’s wife and it’s completely normal that she spends the entire movie in a bra and garters. She’s currently having clothed int*rcourse with…
- Doug Dangler (Jerry “This is Kush” O’Connell)- Doug is sleeping with Babs and is Dick’s brother. A lust triangle if we ever saw one.
- Hugh Dangler (Quinn Beswick)- Hugh is D*ck and Babs’ son. He’s about 30 and is still a virgin.
- Babysitter (Jessica Parker Kennedy)- She’s the babysitter and is always thirsty…if you know what I mean.
- Jace (Chris Redd)- He’s Hugh’s jock best friend. But he may be hiding a secret he doesn’t want anyone to find out.
- Dr. Bunny (Stephanie Drake)- She’s a weather scientist and winner of the Nobel Peace prize and other prestigious prizes that you’ve totally heard of.
We learn that Babs is cheating on her husband Richard with his brother Doug.
Jace is trying to help Hugh lose his v*rg*nity and hoping Babysitter can, um, help.
In the midst of these multiple tr*sts we find out that Doug has become persona non grata in the Dangler household. His presence is no longer welcome in the form of a knife into his chest. Doug is now dead.
But who would want to kill him? He was loved by so many members of the Dangler household, not just used as Babs’ boytoy.
It turns out that many people may have wanted Doug dead. He was not well liked at all. Almost every member of the household may have a reason to want him dead. Persona non grata? More like person now grated.
It’s up to Detective Cross (Josh Margolin) to gather the clues, interview the subjects, but first he has to find out who stole his jacket.
He’d better get moving, because someone else just got killed.
S*ftcore p**n? More like h*rdcore murder…
What Works With Deep Murder
- If you remember 90s er*tic cinema- I will now give you a moment to recall something so far back in your memory- then the opening credits nail the cheesy awesomeness of those low-budget offering you’d record on VHS and then have wrinkled and fluted videotape over the parts where you watched it, um, more than once. Ahem. If you were into that sort of thing, then you’ll find yourself chuckling more than once in recognition.
- Saturday Night Live’s Chris Redd gives the funniest performance in the movie. His line deliveries give a joke a much larger laugh than it deserves. Whenever he’s not onscreen, the rest of the movie flags.
What Doesn’t Work With Deep Murder
- After the 1st act, the movie takes a nosedive. The murder plot stalls and the jokes flatline more often than not. You notice the setups for jokes, but the payoffs leave you silent.
- The movie has a 95 minute running time but feels 3 times that long. After such a promising beginning, you wonder how Deep Murder could turn into such a slog. Maybe the 4 credited writers took it upon themselves to take out jokes that actually worked.
Deep Murder isn’t as bad as you think it’s going to be, but it’s still not good. If you force yourself to sit through it you’ll wonder why you just didn’t watch s*ftcore er*tic cinema. You might have had more laughs.