Skip to main content

Dear Diary: A daily dose of inside my head

Hahaha, What's inside my head?

Well you see scientifically there is this tissue that is called brain matter, cerebral fluid, and a cloud of a million thoughts. I have a handle on the brain matter and cerebral fluid it is the thoughts inside my head that are a problem. There is just a whirlwind of thoughts, it's scary, they don't stop flowing and well some days it's a pain in the ass. Yep, you heard that right, I said a pain in the ass.

The thoughts inside my head range from bright, colorful, and fun to deep, dark, and scary. Sometimes the bright and happy ones win over the deep and dark ones. I often feel like "why should I let anyone inside my head?" and if you feel this way to you are not alone. I'll be happy to carry you on the journey of what's inside my head.

What's Inside My Head

Wait! I captured a thought

It's Like I am Paranoid

looking over my back

It's like a whirlwind

inside of my head

It's like I can't stop

what I'm feeling within

The face inside is

right beneath the skin.

— Linkin Park

Deep, Dark, Disturbed

Inside my head is a tough place to be. Today, I wanted to get up and do something around my house. Sadly I didn't. I spent the day making plans inside my head of what I wanted to do with this or that. Where I wanted to put things and how I wanted to make things look.

I tried to get up and unpack the bookshelf and put it together, but I couldn't find the tools I needed so rather than ask where they were I gave up. I wanted to rearrange a few things, but I didn't know where to put them so I gave up. I just ended up feeling defeated and depressed because I accomplished nothing today.

The failure of not getting done what I wanted to get done is surmounting to the pleasure of actually having things to do. It's overwhelming and ruining the person I really am. Ah hell who am I kidding, do I know who I am? Do I know what I want to be or who I want to be?

On the edge of all this inside my head is bright and happy thoughts. Thoughts that are positive and worth thinking about. The big question is are they enough to overcome the large quantity of deep, dark, and disturbed things going on inside my head.

No one knows what is in my head, they don't know what really goes on inside. They see the smile that I paint on, most days it's fake, but they don't know that. No one really takes the time to care if I am ok or not. They don't even realize that I am struggling.

Scroll to Continue

I have gotten good at wearing a mask, hiding my feelings, keeping my thoughts inside my head. Today my head hurts, these thoughts want an escape. Today I am tired of saying I am anxious or stressed. Believe me when I say this is not a cry for help. This is help, I am getting it out today.

I don't need to be rescued, I don't need to be saved. I need to be heard, I need to be cared about, I need to matter. SOOOOO don't worry I'll be ok, I'll survive this bad day and I'll get through life. We all have these days, you can deny it if you want to, but deep down we know we all have these days.

Oh Happy Day!!

Happy Thoughts!!

Happy Thoughts!!

The Positive Side

There are many days that I can remain positive. I keep the thoughts happy and colorful. I more often than not manage to love my life and accomplish the things that I want to accomplis. I do have a family, while most of the time I don't let them know what is in my head, I do love them.

I woke up two days ago thinking, it's a beautiful day and I am going to be great today. However, I lost motivation at some point through the day, and I think that is where my downward spiral happened. Somedays start out good and turn dark.

Let's look at how the good days go for me. Roll out of bed, thinking I am going to conquer the day. I have energy, I have motivation, and I see the brighter side of things. I go do things with my family, I spend time accomplishing the daily tasks that I have set for myself.

Life is like a rainbow.

You need both rain and sun

to make colors appear

— Unknown

Why do we experience these changes?

On a good day, my mind is clear, it is happy, and I embrace life the way it comes to me. I can dance through the house cleaning the floors and get my daily housework done early. I look forward to spending time with my family. I am not paralyzed by the darker side of my mind.

What makes my mind this way? Well, in my opinion, it's just a busy mind that can't focus and the long-lasting effects of traumatic experiences in my life. The doctors somewhat agree with me, but then they throw in there that chemical imbalances in the brain can cause it too.

While I have had several doctors give me many different reasons why I experience these changes and these ups and downs. The biggest reason I feel I struggle so much sometimes is that I keep it all in. I don't let people know what I am experiencing. So this Dear Diary series is going to be my new outlet for letting it out. Please keep posted for new additions, feel free to comment and let me know what you think. As always remember you are not alone.

© 2021 escritor loco

Related Articles