I've been a movie enthusiast my whole life and been writing movie reviews for over 156 years.
The new horror/comedy Corporate Animals touches ever so delicately on the subject of cannibalism. I want to touch on that early in this review if you’re touchy on the subject or just a whiny little B, then feel free take your free piece of red velvet cake baked by my dead Aunt Topsy and stop reading this review.
Also, I just wanted to write another sentence with the word “touch.”
Writing this review is more than a little cathartic for me because there have been times in my life when cannibalism has affected me and my family.
Allow me a brief moment to pause and cry like I was acting for an Academy Award nomination. I’ll start like I’m trying not to cry, but then it’ll be like a dam bursting and the tears will explode all over my face. Viola Davis does it every 5 minutes in her movies.
Cannibalism is such a delicate subject for me because it’s a known scientific fact that 1 in 5 people have eaten an entire person before. If you’re on a basketball team playing a regulation game, then 2 of the people on the court have eaten other people. Mostly likely the center or the power forward, because those positions need a little extra meat on them, and what better way to get protein than to eat a live human being.
Anyway, there was this one time I ate my nephew Mortimer.
No, I was just hungry.
Corporate Animals opens with a cheaply produced commercial for Incredible Edibles Cutlery. CEO and company spokesperson Lucy (Demi Moore) extols the use of edible forks and spoons to stop the waste from filling our landfills. It’s made her one of the most powerful businesswomen in the country and enabled her to help other black young women like Jess (Jessica Williams) rise up in an environment where men dominate.
Sorry. Jess is black. Lucy isn’t.
All that would be wonderful if Lucy weren’t such a horrible person. Lucy tells Jess she wants her to tap into her “inner Beyoncé” and work her way to the top mostly because Beyoncé is probably the only black celebrity she’s knows off the top of her head.
Jess is a hard worker and Lucy has told her she’s got the inside track on the new Vice President job opening up soon. Jess knows Lucy can be a little rough around the edges but is aware that Lucy can help her career.
Most of the other people that work for Lucy simply just hate her.
They must love the fact that Lucy is making them go to a team building retreat this weekend to the mountains.
Let’s meet Lucy’s subordinates. Since this is such a mediocre movie, they’re barely given a character trait or even anything to distinguish themselves. We meet —
- Freddie (Karan Soni) – He’s the cab driver in Deadpool. He’s also been forced to have sex with Lucy in order to keep his job. If you haven’t been able to discern, the one-note repetitive jokes in Deadpool are funnier than anything in this movie.
- Suzy (Nasim Pedrad)- Suzy works for Lucy as…something and is bisexual. A good portion of her sketches on SNL were/are funnier than anything in this movie.
- Aidan (Calum Worthy)- He’s the intern. He likes Britney Spears. That’s all you need to know about him.
There’s about 6 or 7 ½ more characters, but I’m not going to go through the trouble of introducing any more of them because frankly, it saves them the embarrassment of being associated with this movie and I don’t want to think about Corporate Animals any more than I have to.
Lucy and her minions go to system of caves with their trusty guide Brandon (Ed Helms). Brandon suggests they take the beginner’s route. Lucy orders they take the most advanced caves to spelunk in order to foster more of a sense of camaraderie and teamwork.
Everyone complies because they have to in order to keep their jobs. Though Brandon is against it, Lucy is the one signing his checks so they rappel into the most dangerous caves.
Things are going swimmingly until there’s a cave-in and Brandon is crushed by boulders.
Now the Lucy and Co are trapped in a cave with no food or water. Forced to stay alone in the dark until they (hopefully) get rescued.
What to do about food? Good thing intern Aidan brought a singular case of Incredible Edible Cutlery. That should last them for a tiny bit.
But it won’t be long before Brandon’s rotting corpse will start to look delectable…
What Works With Corporate Animals
- As the biggest star in the cast, Demi Moore gets all the funniest lines in a movie without that many funny lines. Moore commits to being the most despicable character in the film. Little did she know at the time that most people would hate the movie more than actually hate her character.
What Doesn't Work With Corporate Animals
- With a premise that could have been mined for prime horror and comedy, writer Sam Bain delivers little of either. You sit through Animals wondering whether it’s going to get better or even a tiny bit funnier than it is. It won’t. Jokes flatline before they’re delivered. Audience- don’t think jokes are going over your head or you just didn’t get them. You got them, they’re just not funny.
- You just feel bad for Jessica Williams. Her first big starring role in a movie that has nothing to do with Netflix is one of the top 20 worst movies of the year. It’s not her fault, as she gets 1-2 funny lines. That’s more than anybody else not named Demi Moore got.
- Ed Helms is finally in a comedy worse than the Hangover sequels. Didn’t think that was possible. Way to go.
You’d rather gnaw your own arm off than sit through Corporate Animals. At least it’s better than actually being trapped in a cave with no food or water. Maybe.