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Confessions of a Closet Prankster

Can you point me to the nearest gas station?

Can you point me to the nearest gas station?

Laughter. It is a universal language. It's what can make the difference between just having fun, and having a really great time. Comedy shows are a great example of this. My taste in humor is a little bit different though, since my idea of a good time would be more in the realm of watching two midgets fuck to the sound of a clown horn...

On a more serious note, I feel something meaningful has been lost in today’s so-called “PC culture.” The truth is that laughter has nothing to do with actual humor, though it's easy to confuse the two. There is a world of difference, just like fashion & style. Something humorous can inspire anything from a light chuckle to having uncontrollable fits of hilarity. Laughter, on the other hand, can be manufactured and disingenuous.

If you grew up in the 90’s, then you are probably familiar with the classic scene of Bart Simpson calling up Moe’s Tavern asking for Al Coholic. Moe would then ask his patrons "Is there an Al Coholic here?" Simple, light-hearted, and effectively humorous, though in today's overly sensitive social climate, would likely make for a traumatic claim on behalf of all substance abuse "victims" or something.

My own dark and twisted style of humor would undoubtedly send these woke weaklings into convulsions. It's time to bring back offensive comedy. Join me as we delve into my twisted world where no fucks are given.

Dark Humor

I might have been just a wee bit fucked up, growing up as a kid. Perhaps I just had really bad parents who allowed me to watch R rated movies before attending kindergarten. Whatever it was, I was destined to live a life filled with a twisted sense of humor.

It all started rather innocently as I was given a puppy for Christmas, like any other good boy in suburban Texas. I remembered this puppy, a small Cocker Spaniel, jumping up at me and licking my face, ever so happy to know it would be a new member of our dysfunctional family. I was just as excited as he was, and so I did what any normal 5 year old Christian kid would do on Christmas morning... I curiously put my finger in his asshole.

Just kidding… just kidding…… I really do enjoy the mental effort of having to sift through crazy shit in order to find the gold at the bottom. Sometimes the humor is in putting nothing at the bottom and just watching people dig through shit. The absurdity of the story is what makes it funny to me. What people pay for at the comedy clubs would be a waste of my money.

Now when it comes to public comedy, nothing beats a good old-fashioned pie in the face, especially nowadays in this era of emasculated thumb-sucking “PC” babies. I mean, bring back the Circus Maximus and watch these fumbling fuckwads try to fight a lion with their college “Gender Studies” background. I would pay to see that.

Alas, we are far from realizing how even a simple pie to the face would be an acceptable form of comedy today, even though we’ve been doing it since 1909.

I'd shove my face in her pie any day...

I'd shove my face in her pie any day...

Is it Funny?

It’s all a matter of personal preference. Today, in the context of standup comedy, anyone who says “..that isn’t funny..” is objectively full of subjectively woke bullshit most of the time. What pain is to one is pleasure to another. “Good” and “bad” are just personal terms that people use to label things they like and don’t like. Anyone who says that coffee drinkers can never enjoy tea deserve a hot whipped cream pie to the face with a turd on the bottom.

Prank calls are another story, however.

When I was in 4th grade, my best friend at the time used to party-line those 1-800 sex numbers with me over our corded landline telephones. Our high-strung Christian mothers were busy doing mundane mom shit and praying while we were eager to hear grown women moan about dicks.

We would try to deepen our prepubescent voices and try to say stupid things to them, only to be cursed at and hung-up on most of the time. We would burst out laughing every time they got pissed at us. Sadly, my best friend died in 2014 from a urethral infection he got after putting peanut butter on his ballsack and having his three-legged Dalmatian lick it off.

Just kidding... but he did die.

A Funny Phone Call

Recently, I called a hospital and asked to be transferred to the morgue. You have to have a deep patience in order to be an efficient prank-caller. After waiting for a few minutes, I was greeted with an unusually chipper voice, “Hello! Hope you're having a great day! How may I help you?” Did he just finish busting a hot nut into one of those cold corpses right before I called? Who’s that cheerful at a morgue…?

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I replied “Great, look, umm... I have a quick question for you. It’s kind of odd and I really don’t want you to freak out or anything, but I have a lot of money and I’m willing to pay you a couple thousand for this request…” I paused for a moment to see what he would say. “Okay... what are you asking me sir?” I responded “Well, umm... honestly, how much would it be if I were to, you know, come in and fuck a corpse?"

He paused for about 10 seconds.

“Are... are you serious right now?!” The bewilderment in his voice was just priceless. “Yeah, just name your price, I’m not joking. Nobody has to know about this.” He paused for a bit, truly mind-fucked and just trying to make sense of what he was hearing. “Sir, we don’t do that here.” I chuckled “Oh come on, you mean you’ve never had the urge after seeing a nice fresh body to just crack a cold one?” He paused again, pondering my words. “No sir, I think I’m going to call the police…” I said “Woah, wait, hold on…what if I gave you $5,000...?” He paused again, probably considering the absurd proposition. “Ummm...” I said “Look, I’ll even bring my own container of Vaseline.”

He hung up. Good times.

How to Maintain a Straight Face

Outwardly, people have always seen me as a rather serious and somewhat dour person. It has served me quite well. Letting out a wicked chuckle during an off-beat moment always pulls the rug out from under their feet. Anything that is considered too "sacred" will always be worthy of ridicule in my book, and censorship will always be my arch-enemy.

That is not to say that everything is funny, though in the right context, sensitive topics can be made quite amusing. Take rape, for example. Not inherently funny. Though, the thought of Ronald McDonald ass-raping Donald Trump, while whistling Dixie, might slap a reluctant grin across your face. It’s still rape though, just in a comedic context that aligns with your political ideals, which are also worthy of ridicule by the way.

Other examples of context are when someone slips and falls. Not always funny, though on a banana peel sound effect, it is quite the comedic classic. It is this type of context that has enabled me to walk by complete strangers sitting down, glued to their cellphones in the mall, and let out one great big, wet and sloppy fart (with the help of a fart machine of course), all while keeping a straight face. I walk on by exhaling “...ahhhhh…” with a big sigh of gaseous relief as they stare in disgust. I’ve even made my way towards many public bathrooms in this manner. It's pretty fucking funny.

Not all heroes wear capes though, and I constantly sacrifice my public image for the sake of a few awkward laughs. And though I usually laugh last, I always laugh best.

Ronald and I are really good friends.

Ronald and I are really good friends.

My Confession

It is the irony that entertains me, as the most repulsive humans are usually the first to quickly become self-righteous by pointing their fingers or twitching their noses in disgust. Unable to laugh at themselves, I am happy to be the scapegoat in such situations. I don’t expect everyone to share in my sense of humor either. In fact, most of the things I have mentioned so far are not even that original, but they are classics.

Shocking my fellow primates to respond is usually the best way to ensure me that they still have a pulse. I really do fear a zombie apocalypse, though evidence shows more and more that it is already here. Perhaps someday, most can look back at all this political and social nonsense and just collectively let out one big chuckle (or fart). At that point, it’ll be Jonestown all over again, with bodies dropping in the streets as people simply die of satisfaction.

Speaking of Jim Jones, I feel he was the greatest boxer who ever lived. I mean, nobody in history has ever killed so many people with just one punch!


This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2021 Tony Tapp

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