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Confessions of a Closet Prankster

André LeMoore is a professional poet, content writer & iconoclast hailing from the US.

Can you point me to the nearest gas station?

Can you point me to the nearest gas station?

Laughter. It is a universal language. It is what can make the difference between just having fun, and then having a really great time. Comedy shows are a great example of this when compared to just hanging around your friends. It’s all subjective though, and some people would prefer the company of friends to that of any comedy show or party. I say, why not go to one with your friends instead!

My taste in humor is a little bit different. My idea of a good time likely differs from yours, and that's just fine! Something meaningful has been lost in today’s so-called “PC culture.” Notice how laughter has nothing to do with humor here. Yes, there is a difference, just like fashion & style. Something humorous can inspire anything from a light chuckle, to having uncontrollable fits of hilarity. Laughter on the other hand, can be manufactured and disingenuous.

With varying tastes in comedy, there are just as many styles. Slapstick humor, dark humor, self-deprecating humor, and topical humor, just to name a few. If you grew up (especially) in the 90’s, then you are probably familiar with the classic scene of Bart Simpson calling up Moe’s Tavern and making a prank call. Simple, light-hearted, and effective. Today, this has evolved into hardcore, obscene, and highly offensive prank calls… my kind of humor. Join me as we delve into my little twisted world, one that I have had to keep secret in order to maintain the integrity of professional pursuits all these years.

What Kind of Humor?

I might have been just a little fucked up growing up as a kid. No, perhaps I just had really crappy parents. Who knows... Whatever it was, I was destined to live a life filled with a sick sense of humor. It all started rather innocently. I was given a puppy for Christmas, when I was 5. It jumped up at me and started licking my face, ever so happy to know it would be a new member of our family. In hindsight, I was just as excited as he was, and so I did what any normal 5-year-old kid would do on Christmas morning. I put my pinky finger in his ass.

Just kidding… just kidding…… or am I? lol -See what I did there? I either made you laugh, or made you cringe. Personally, I prefer the latter for some reason. If you didn’t react, then you’re probably just dead. I feel laughter is simply too easy to come by. I enjoy the mental effort of having to sift through shit in order to find the gold at the bottom. Sometimes the humor is in putting nothing at the bottom and just watching them dig through shit. Naturally, sifting through fecal matter would be more than enough to put a smirk on anyone’s face. The absurdity of the story is what makes it funny to me.

What people pay for at the comedy clubs would be a waste of my money. Nothing beats a good old-fashioned pie in the face, especially nowadays in this era of emasculated thumb-sucking “PC” babies. I mean, bring back the Circus Maximus and watch these fumbling fuckwads try to fight a lion with their college “Gender Studies” background. I would pay to see that. Alas, we are far from realizing how even a simple pie to the face would be an acceptable form of comedy today, even though we’ve been doing it since 1909.

I'd shove my face in her pie any day...

I'd shove my face in her pie any day...

Why is this Funny?

It’s all a matter of personal preference. Anyone who says “that isn’t funny” is objectively full of subjective bullshit. What pain is to one is pleasure to another. “Good” and “bad” are just personal terms that people use to label things they like and don’t like. Anyone who says that coffee drinkers can never enjoy tea deserve a hot shaving-cream pie on the face, so that they can’t lick it off and enjoy it afterwards. But what about my other types of twisted humor?

Well, as a kid in the 90’s, my best friend at the time used to “party-line” those 1-800 sex numbers with me over our corded landline phones, while our high-strung mothers were busy doing mundane mom shit. We would try to deepen our prepubescent voices and attempt to say stupid things to them, only to be cursed at and hung-up on. We would burst out laughing every time they got pissed. Sadly, my best friend died in 2014 from a urethral infection he got after putting peanut butter on his ballsack and having his Chow-Chow dog lick it off. Just kidding, but he did die.

Recently, I called a hospital and asked to be transferred to the morgue. You have to have a deep sense of patience in order to be an efficient prank-caller. After waiting for a few minutes, I was greeted with an unusually chipper voice, “Hello! How may I help you?” I mean did he just finish ejaculating into one of those tight stiffs right before I called? Who’s cheerful at a morgue…

A Funny Phone Call

“Hi, how are you doing?” I said. “I’m doing fine sir, thank you for asking…” “Great. Look, umm I have a question for you. It’s kind of odd and I really don’t want you to freak out or anything. I have a lot of money and I’m willing to pay you a couple thousand for this…” I paused for a moment to see what he would say. “Okay, what are you asking me sir?” “Well, umm, honestly, how much would it be if I were to, you know, come in and fuck a corpse?

“Are you serious right now?!” The bewilderment in his voice was just priceless. “Yeah, just name your price, I’m not joking. Nobody has to know about this.” He paused for a bit, truly mind-fucked and just trying to make sense of what he was hearing. “Sir, we don’t do that here.” lol “Oh come on, you mean you’ve never had the urge after seeing a nice fresh body to just crack a cold one?” He paused again, pondering my words. “No sir, I think I’m gonna call the police…” “Woah wait, hold on…" I said, "What if I gave you $5,000? No joke.” He paused again, probably considering the absurd proposition. “Sir-” “Look, I’ll even bring my own container of Vaseline.” He hung up. Good times.

If you’ve ever listened to Howard Stern, then you know what a good prank call is. Sal & Richard have taken it a step beyond by incorporating characters and intricate prank ideas. Calling a pizza place and placing an order only to ask that they hold on the line while calling another pizza place and asking them to hold, while the first one reads the order back to the second one is pure gold. The confusion that ensues is popcorn worthy.

How to Maintain a Straight Face

Outwardly, people have always seen me as a rather serious and somewhat dour person. It has served me quite well. Letting out a wicked chuckle during an off-beat moment always pulls the rug out from under their feet, however. Don’t get me wrong. While I am a sadist when it comes to laughing at misfortune, it is always in the context of doing so when the misfortune is blatantly preventable. Anything that is considered too sacred will always be worthy of ridicule in my book, and censorship will always be my enemy.

That is not to say that everything is funny, though in the right context, sensitive topics can be made quite amusing. Take rape, for example. Not funny. Though, the thought of Ronald McDonald ass-raping Donald Trump to the sounds of a dry clown horn can slap a cringey grin across your face, I bet. It’s still rape, just in a comedic context that aligns with your political ideals, which are also worthy of ridicule by the way. Other examples of context are when someone slips and falls, though on a banana peel sound effect, it is quite the comedic classic.

It is this context that has enabled me to walk by complete strangers sitting down glued to their cellphones in the mall, as I let out one great big, wet and sloppy fart (with the help of a fart machine of course), all while keeping a straight face. And while these little cheap thrills may seem impossible to pull off for the average Joe, I walk on by exhaling “...ahhhhh…” with a big sigh of gaseous relief. I’ve even made my way towards many public bathrooms in this manner, all in the name of humor. Not all heroes wear capes, and I constantly sacrifice my public image for the sake of a few awkward laughs. And though I usually laugh last, I always laugh best.

Make America Satanic Again!

Make America Satanic Again!

I Confess

It is the irony that entertains me, as the most repulsive of humans are usually the first to quickly become self-righteous by pointing their fingers or twitching their noses in disgust. Unable to laugh at themselves, I am happy to be the scapegoat in such situations. I don’t expect everyone to share my sense of humor either. In fact, most of the things I have mentioned so far are not even that original! The wit contained in the writings of Oscar Wilde or Winston Churchill are what I truly fancy, but I digress.

Unfortunately, most people are too dumb or boring to even know who those two are nowadays, which is why I always go for the low-blow and pull out the cattle prod. Shocking my fellow primates to respond is usually the best way to ensure me that they still have a pulse. I really do fear a zombie apocalypse, though evidence shows more and more that it is already here. Perhaps someday, most can look back at all this political and social nonsense and just let out one big chuckle (or fart) together. At that point, it’ll be Jonestown all over again, with bodies dropping in the streets as people simply die of satisfaction. Speaking of Jim Jones, I feel he was the greatest boxer who ever lived. I mean, nobody in history has ever killed so many people with just one punch!


© 2021 André Visrok LeMoore

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