This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
|MPAA Rating||Don't Waste Your Time|
95 Minutes But Feels So...Much...Longer
Christopher Wesley Moore
See Above. Yay.
Of the fifteen or so people you will meet in Heaven, none of them will recommend the low-to-no budget religious horror movie Children of Sin. Unless you’re related to the cast and crew, but that still won’t be a lot of people because public television shows about your local library have higher production budgets.
You don’t need millions of dollars to produce a good movie. Children of Sin proves you can have a budget in the high 3 figures and still make a “horror” movie that bores you to tears and make you doubt the existence of a God, Goddess or Paimon.
This is one of those reviews where I don’t care about spelling or grammar because I just want to get it out so I never have to waste energy thinking about it ever again except when people walk up to me on the street and ask if I’ve seen the religious horror movie Children of Sin.
The forlorn look on my face is all the answer they will need
Synopsis of Sin
Emma (Meredith Mohler, looking like Scarlett Johannsson's younger sister) is your typical teenage white girl that just found out she’s pregnant.
Jackson (Lewis Hines, looking like Scarlett Johannsson’s black brother ) is your typical black teenager that just found out he’s gay and possibly pregnant.
Jackson and Emma are brother and sister. How? They have different fathers but share the same white mother (Insert actress name here- but I’m not going to because that would require me looking it up and believe me, this movie isn’t f*cking worth it).
The thing is, neither Jackson nor Emma look like the actress that’s supposed to be playing their mother. That’s the kind of stuff you think about when you’re bored after the first 15 minutes.
Mother has shacked up with her new boyfriend Robbie (actor playing Robbie). Robbie is a religious nut for an anti-gay, anti-teenage pregnancy, anti-everything church called the Children of Abraham. Robbie wants to marry Mother and adopt Jackson and Emma. Everything will work out fine.
But Emma and Jackson have lapses of idiocy that will plague almost every character in this movie and as a result Mom and Robbie find out Emma is pregnant and Robbie is gay and pregnant and black.
Robbie is not pleased. As we all know, you don’t want to get old white men upset.
Emma and Jackson beg Mom to leave Robbie and head out on their own. They’ve done it before and have survived, but that’s before they were all trapped in a bad horror movie.
Mother agrees. When Robbie is asleep or watching his personal VHS copy of the Rodney King beating, Mother, Emma, and Jackson leave Robbie for something better that will work for all of them.
But really Mother just dropped Emma and Jackson at the local Children of Abraham chapter for Black Gay Possibly Pregnant Teens. Emma and Jackson object at first, but because this movie requires characters to make dumb decisions, they reluctantly agree.
Mother wants to pray the gay away for Jackson and then pray the fetus away for Emma or something of that nature. The motivation is muddled but this isn’t a very good movie.
For the next three days, Emma and Jackson will be under the watchful care of one-dimensional villain Mary Esther (Jo-Ann Robinson).
It’s only for three days, what could possibly go wrong? It can’t be any worse than sitting through Children of Sin.
Mary Esther has some ground rules. No swearing. No eating after midnight. No one takes the batteries out of the second to last drawer by the sink because those batteries are specifically for her very special massager.
Anyone caught breaking those rules or acting disorderly will get a strike.
You get three strikes. You don’t want to know what happens after three strikes.
Actually, you won’t care or will be too uninterested to bother.
What Works With Children of Sin
- “Take out your sin stick and get it hard.” The only scene in the interminable 90 minutes that resembles something akin to tension or actually scary. But, like most of the scenes in Children of Sin, it falls apart near the end deflating the scene of anything compelling.
What Doesn’t Work With Children of Sin
- As stated many times before, every character in this movie has a scene where he/she acts like an imbecile in a bad horror movie. Acts like no one would in real life unless story convenience required it. The movie would be about 20 minutes long if characters weren’t automatically on Idiot Plot.
- The bloodshed is a little more graphic than you’d expect for such a low budget movie, but writer director Christopher Wesley Moore stages every kill in the same repetitive fashion. It’s almost a loop of laughable mediocrity.
Whatever higher power you believe in would not want you to waste 90 minutes of your precious life sitting through something like Children of Sin. Take out your sin stick and watch something else
Really 1.5 because I feel sorry for it.
This content is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for formal and individualized diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed medical professional. Do not stop or alter your current course of treatment. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2022 Noel Penaflor