The End of The World is for Everyone. Part 1.
Are you ready for the end? Many of us have read books and watched many movies about civilization's demise and its grim aftermath. You've pictured yourself scavenging among the echoes of a bygone era in these post-apocalyptic settings, armed with your trusty machete and sawed-off shotgun. However, if you stick to some of these plots, you'll survive to the second act. Don’t let the apocalypse catch you unprepared; remember these tips, and when you find yourself in a post-apocalyptic world, you’ll be ready for your new dystopian lifestyle.
If you find yourself in a post-apocalyptic world, stay away from the humans; you’re better off alone. Empathy and kindness have no place in a post-apocalyptic world. Don’t ever stick your neck out for anyone. You’re probably someone who, without asking, volunteers to help people move, and your family and friends use you as an ATM. If you like helping others and you survive an apocalypse, you will not fare well in a post-apocalyptic society. You will be among the first humans captured and enslaved by the alien overlords, the mutants, or whatever terrible species rules the planet. It's understandable that failing to help those in need will go against all you stand for as a person. Unfortunately, adversity brings out the worst in humans, and you'll definitely be taken advantage of. Imagine: you're the hero in your head, your backpack loaded with goods scavenged from a dead soccer mom's minivan, when you stumble on some wretched, half-naked soul pleading for help.
Naturally, being a helpful person, you stop to help. Unfortunately, you realize too late that you’ve fallen victim to one of the oldest plot devices in the post-apocalyptic genre. Because of your compassion, you’re now surrounded by bandits who rob you of your supplies and tie you up. You're puzzled as to why they haven't killed you. What you don’t know is that the cannibals whom they planned on selling you to prefer human meat raw. Or perhaps they are going to sell you to the new alien overlords, who love to do obscene amounts of probing, but if probing is your thing, then you’re in luck.
To prepare for such an eventuality, start brushing up on your callousness. It’s OK to disappoint people once in a while. For instance, don't pick Timmy up from swimming practice; doing so will teach him independence anyway. Also, let people know that from now on, the ATM is out of money. Besides, if they need to borrow money, it’s highly unlikely they’ll have it to repay you. So, when you find yourself on a ruined highway decorated with rusted burnt-out cars and you come across a toothless person who smells like six dead skunks in a trash bag, pleading for help, you won't feel bad about ignoring them because you now know it could be a trap.
On the other hand, if the mysterious stranger or lone wolf persona isn’t your thing and you like being around people, in a post-apocalyptic world, there’ll be plenty of companies looking for reliable henchmen. And, one such company is the marauding biker gang. We’re social animals, and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to be around people. Besides, there’s always safety in numbers. Joining a biker gang provides the companionship you crave; especially, in a world where the mutants want to wear your skin as an accessory and everything sees you as a four-course meal. In addition to safety, you get to travel and see the ruin that is the new world. You also get to do fun group exercises with your coworkers, like pillaging, murdering, and what-not. Also, the dress code will be relaxed, with everyone in matching Mohawks.
Of course, the turnover rate in such a fast pace job will be high. Among other things, the company frowns upon low murder rates; and so, if you’re not producing the numbers they expected from you, you will get fired (upon). However, to avoid being a disposable employee, the trick is, find a department that plays to the strength of the business. So even if your murder numbers are low, you’re still a vital part of the organization. Consequently, if you want to secure your place in the company, nothing would be more valuable to a group of bike riding maniacs than a mechanic. I mean, who will explain to these bike enthusiasts that they can’t use blood as fuel.
You’ll be so valuable to the company they might overlook your low kill rate; Hell, you probably won’t even have to go pillaging anymore. Mobility is an essential part of a marauders' profession, and the grease jockey job guarantees you a long and secure employment with the company. Say it with me “If they can’t ride, they can’t maraud.”
Being a mechanic to a bunch of biking addicts secures your place in the corporation and to its long-term agenda; however, it also prevents your professional growth in the company. Once the company recognizes your importance, you’re stuck in that department. So, if being indispensable is too much to handle, then the best way to ingratiate yourself to your coworkers is through their belly. Be the cook. Just because the world ended doesn’t mean the ability to enjoy good food also ended; even murderous bike riding cannibals appreciate a decent meal now and then. Prepare for the end-times and invest in a cook book; better yet, attend some cooking classes now so when the apocalypse comes, you’ll be ready. Furthermore, you never know when you might find yourself in a post-apocalyptic cook off contest for biker gang top chef. Imagine having no idea how to braise a human leg. Now you’re out of a job, or worse, on the menu. A firm foundation in the culinary arts will prevent you from becoming someone’s meal.
I hope these tips serve you well because the end of the world is for everyone. You don't need to become a die-hard survivalist to survive the end of the world. All you need to enjoy your stay in a post-apocalyptic world are some practical skills and common sense. They will serve you well in the end.
© 2022 William Saint Val