Hey you. I wrote this Review Just for You because I like you.I also like pizza.
Justin G. Dyck
Based on the incredible true story of that kooky and highly illegal thing that old white couple did because they were feeling bad.
If any of you know me at all, you know I have an annotated binder titled “Reasons Why White People Scare Me” and I lug it around just jotting things down whenever I see or read something white people do that frightens me.
Over years it’s gotten bigger, filled with anecdotes like “Shoot up a movie theater”, “Shoot up a School”, “Wear dreadlocks”, and “Not wear a mask”. Stuff like that.
I’ve sure you have your own binder that’s full to bursting.
Thanks to the new horror movie Anything For Jackson, I can add “Kidnap a pregnant woman”. Yay.
Rest assured, by the end of this remarkably effective horror movie, you too will be able to fill more pages.
Anything for This Synopsis
Anything for Jackson opens with an elderly couple preparing breakfast and listening to old-timey music while getting their day started.
Audrey Walsh (Sheila McCarthy) is making pancakes or doing a podcast no one listens to. We see her talking to her husband offscreen. His name is Dr. Henry Walsh (Julian Richings). He’s a family pediatrician and is kvetching to Audrey about how she hemmed his pants unevenly and now one leg looks slightly longer than the other.
If there were any more white people problems, this movie would have been written and directed by Nancy Meyers.
It looks like Henry’s about to go to the office when we hear a new voice. It sounds like a young woman and she’s saying a hi and hello to Henry. It seems like she knows the Walsh family. Such a nice neighborhood, and it’s up to everyone to keep it that way before other people (and by “other” that mean non-white) people start moving in and lowering property values. Only in a neighborhood like this can people just greet each other without worrying about---
Audrey and Henry rush out their door. It sounds like they gut punched the young woman and drag her inside. She’s crying, but Audrey has drugged her and now she’s really quiet.
Minutes later the young woman wakes up. We find out her name is Shannon (Konstantina Mandelos) and she’s 37 weeks pregnant. Henry is her doctor and assault and kidnapping are probably not part of regular treatment. Shannon also notices a little boy that’s been watching her.
Sheila reads from a prepared script. She and Henry apologize and hope Shannon isn’t too uncomfortable. But what they’re doing is necessary and cooperation will be required.
As you’ve figured out by now, Henry and Audrey aren’t your average elderly couple. They watch movies, they listen to music, they drink wine. But a couple of times a month they go to a local library or a learning annex and perform rituals for the dark lord Satan.
Years ago, their beloved grandson died in a car accident.
His name was Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson.
For years Audrey and Henry have been trying to get him back. Henry did some research, looked on Craigslist, started an OnlyFans, and finally found a book that unlocked the Satanic secrets of afterlife eternal. All it cost was their retirement plan and possibly their soul.
Audrey read from the book and found out she could bring dead birds to life. So naturally you go right to dead kids. Audrey and Henry are reasonably sure they’re reading the proper ritual to bring Jackson’s spirit back with no negative consequences at all.
And because Audrey and Henry watched Ghostbusters II last week, they think it’s a perfectly good plan to kidnap a pregnant woman and put Jackson’s spirit into her unborn child so Jackson can come back in a new body.
Audrey and Henry don’t break their routine and act like everything is normal.
But a police detective (Lanette Ware) is inquiring about the missing girl and that Henry might have been the last to see her.
Audrey and Henry have decided not to stress out too much even though they’ve both been seeing things they shouldn’t. Because if you can’t trust Satan to put the spirit of a dead child into a new body, who can you trust?
As an added bonus, the neighborhood snow shoveler has been particularly nosy. We find out his name, but I think we should just call him Future Dead Guy.
What Works With Anything For Jackson
- Sheila McCarthy gives the movie’s most frightening performance as the wide-eyed Stepford Granny who just wants to do right by her dead grandson. McCarthy says some pretty awful things during the movie and her sunny/cheerful line readings make everything that much more frightening.
- The word “miracle” has never been more terrifying.
- You should always floss your teeth after brushing. Maybe not this much.
- It’s a testament to writer Keith Cooper and director Justin G. Dych (pronounced Just-in in case you were wondering about that name) that no matter how terrible the Walsh’ actions are, you sometimes feel for them and wish they could get their dead grandson back. You’re also kept off guard for most of the film. You may see some scares coming, but the ones you can’t make you throw your grandkids out of a moving train.
What Doesn’t Work With Anything For Jackson
- The “Trick or Treat” sequence loses its punch after a while and reminds you too much of A Ghost Story. Not in a good way.
The power of this review compels you to see Anything For Jackson. It’s one of the best horror movies of 2020 and we will be having a Q and A after the movie but right before the Satanists meet at the learning annex. It’s good that our meeting is before the Satanists because those f*cking Satanists always leave sticky floors because they don’t always clean the blood and other fluids up after their rituals.