I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!
Ron Mael and Russell Mael
As you might know, the musical melodrama dark comedy Annette opened the 2021 Cannes Film Festival to a standing ovation that lasted 4 hours until somebody got diagnosed with Covid and they had to stop the ovation for about 20 minutes, isolate that particular Cannes-adian and then proceed with the ovation.
The ovation lasted another 15 minutes and had to be stopped.
No. Oscar Winner Marion Cotillard was bowing so much and so vehemently that she accidentally broke in half. Fortunately, Adam Driver was standing so much that his leg got numb and had to be amputated, but they were able to use that amputated leg as a stand to support Marion Cotillard so she wouldn’t break in half again.
Lest you think getting a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival is a big deal, it’s really not. They’ll just give you an ovation if you’ve got subtitles in your movie or your movie is well over 2 hours long. What? Like it’s hard.
Annette doesn’t have subtitles, but it sure as f*ck is over 2 hours long.
Adam Driver sat through his own movie twice and had to have 4 legs amputated. That’s still better than having to sit through Rise of Skywalker.
Keep in mind that this is a musical and this movie is 2 hours and 20 minutes, so each line of description equals about 20 minutes of screentime because there will be multiple lyrics about one singular action.
Annette starts with a song called “May We Start” just in case you didn’t know where we are in the movie.
Adam Driver (Star Wars The Last Jedi, Marriage Story, a lot of other things. He’s appears in almost as many movies as Nic Cage, except his movies aren’t terrible.) is Henry McHenry, a very popular shock comedian. And judging by what we see in his act, he’s not very funny, but he is very confident onstage.
Over the years, Henry has been an unrepentant P-hound, but he’s got a new girlfriend and she seems to have softened him up a little.
Her name is Ann Defrasnoux, the world famous opera star. If you follow opera and are not an uncultured swine, then you know Ann is the best opera singer in the world and the other opera singers can eat a d*ck.
Ann and Henry are two famous people that love each other very much. You know this because the constantly sing at each other how they love each other very much.
It’s not long before they get married.
It’s not long before they have a little baby girl named Annette.
Annette is a terrible fake looking baby.
But after Annette is born, something happens to Henry. His shows are losing popularity because Henry simply isn’t funny anymore.
Meanwhile, Ann is getting more popular than ever. At the recent opera awards Ann won the very prestigious Best Opera Singer Award that they only hand out once every year.
Does this (Adam) drive a wedge between them? You’ll have to watch to find out.
Meanwhile, it turns out that Annette is a very special eerie looking baby. What she brings to the world will bring life, and death. Possibly at the same time.
That last sentence sounds better when you sing a song about it for 15 minutes.
What Works With Annette
- One of Adam Driver’s best performances. It’s even better considering he has to act with an American Sniper fake baby for a good portion of the film. He sing-talks a lot, but his voice is more than passable. In the 3 movies Driver appears in in 2021, he acts with Matt Damon, Lady Gaga, and this fake baby. They all agree The Dead Don’t Die isn’t a bad movie.
- The Sparks songs written for the movie are in and of themselves pretty catchy. There’s never a really terrible song in the movie. But there are times when they feel pointless and do nothing but add running time to an already long movie. But if you’re a Sparks fan…
- “May we start? May we start?”
- As I’ve mentioned countless times before, Annette is so f*cking frightening and unsettling to look at. It/she looks like something you’d see in Stuart Gordon’s Dolls. I know I keep harping on it but I think I was emotionally triggered because my adoptive parents Ram and Aroc told me I had a little sister but it was really just a creepy wooden doll and when I said was just a wooden doll they threw it away and told me I can’t have a wooden sister anymore.
What Doesn’t Work With Annette
- The movie clocks in a 2 hours and 20 minutes. There are 95 minutes of an excellent movie. The other minutes are spread out over something that director Leos Carax (Holy Motors) really should have had an editor Car-ax. Then again, I did recently sit through Fast 9, which was also 2 hours and 20 idiotic minutes so I really shouldn’t complain. Annette had Sparks songs. F9 had more moronic dialogue about family.
Despite its interminable runtime, Annette is the best musical featuring Adam Driver and a sinister wooden baby you’ll see this year.