Amoeba Farms and Other Great Pet Ideas

Stop Killing Helpless Animals and Have Fun Too!

Tired of dead fish bobbing belly up in your kid's fish tank? The little moment of humming "Taps" or mumbling the Lord's Prayer before the final flush? And how many parakeets do you have you buried in your back yard? Two, three? Five? Ever buried a hamster or a rat? I bet your back yard looks like a mini pet Arlington with little tombstones everywhere. And those are just the dead ones that you found. The snake and tarantula both got away didn't they? Yeah. You're still waiting to find those. But you did find the ants, though, didn't you? The ones that got out after the ant farm got broken last year. That was nice. Terminix says they're still looking for the queen.

So what's a parent to do? You want to teach your kids responsibility, but you really don't want any more innocent animals to die. It's bad enough those poor bastards are destined to live their entire lives in a tiny little cage or box, but the whole death by starvation, neglect or... well, brutal curiosity is just too much. So again I ask, "What's a parent to do?"

Well as a long time parent and self proclaimed genius, I have derived the answer to that question and can tell you truthfully that I have devised the perfect pets for you and your family. Some of these pets are for little kids, some for the older ones, but all these pets are simple and easy to have. They're easy to take care of, cheap to keep, and you'll never find them dead. In addition, these pets will never require expensive bags of food, fancy cages with lots of accessories required, and, best of all, THERE ARE NO VET BILLS ever. That's right, none of these pets will ever need shots, check ups or their broken limbs put into a cast. None of that stuff, ever! And even better yet, these pets are absolutely free!

So, without further ado, let the list begin. Welcome to my list of the five best pet ideas for kids.

1. Amoeba Farm

That's right, an Amoeba Farm. What could be more fun than owning your own protozoa? Imagine, the most primitive creature on earth, a fierce predator mind you, and yet held in check by the power of your kids. Just look at how much fun they are to watch at play:

Amoeba fun for you!

More Amoeba Fun: Kid Games!

I could watch that all day!

And not only does your Amoeba Farm provide hours of entertainment as your kids just stare into the glass, your pet amoebas will even inspire your kids to physical activity and creative game play of their own. Watch the video to the right as these boys have some great amoeba fun!

The best part about an Amoeba Farm is that it's completely free. You already have everything you need right there in your home. All you require is the following:

• A clear glass
• Water (from a pond or puddle is best, but tap water will work eventually)
• The ability to stretch the truth a bit

That's it.

Instructions: All you have to do is fill the glass with water and let your kids have their fun. (You can make a fancy Amoeba Farm if you want too by replacing the regular glass with a fluted or wine glass. Or grow redneck Amoebas in a beer mug or empty jar. It's your pet, you make the rules!!!)

Some kids will complain that they "can't see anything" sometimes. Just tell them they aren't looking hard enough. I mean you and I both know they're some protozoa in there, so, it's not like you're lying when you swear the pets are there. You might even have to bend down and gaze into the glass and say, "Yep, there's one," and point. (Don't give me any of that "but that's a lie" crap either. You perpetrated the Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy thing. I ain't buying your need for honesty now.) If you have no imagination at all, or if you are just a horrible liar, then go buy a microscope and prove protests of "there's nothing there" as wrong. In fact, if you go that route, you will set up this next pet idea perfectly.

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2. Plate of Botulism

This is probably my favorite pet idea of them all. A plate of botulism is particularly easy to do. All you need to make your kids their very own is:

• A plate, dish or pan
• A slab of meat (fish is great for this, but you can use asparagus or wet garlic if you are opposed to using meat)
• A nice warm place for your new pets to thrive

Instructions: Place your slab of meat on your plate and put the plate in a nice warm place. Any counter top will do, but if you put it under a light it's even better. In many cases, you're pet botulism will appear within hours. Imagine owning your very own deadly bacterium. Your kids can play games around their botulism just as they did with their Amoeba Farm. In fact, better than the farmer or biologist games they might play with an amoeba, Plate of Botulism allows your kids to play bio-terrorist games as well. Just think, your kids can play games that teach them unscrupulous warfare techniques and how to cause unspeakable suffering. Why, if they play often enough, they could even develop the political skills needed to become a US President, Chinese Premier or Russian Prime Minister. What more could you ask from a child's pet?

3. The Miniature Condor (also known as the Camouflaged Condor)

For some kids the tiny pets above just aren't good enough. If they can't see the animals easily, some kids just aren't satisfied. So item number three is an easy one for families with kids like that.

Discovered in the early 1990s by a French explorer by the name of Dr. Taurus Merde, the Miniature Condor is an amazing creature that has proven once more the fantastic variety and cleverness of evolution at its best. Whether you believe evolution just happens or was set into motion by a loving God, the simple truth is no camouflage since the chameleon and the walking stick has ever proven as fantastic as is this tiny bird's.

For years this creature was known simply as the "house fly" but nothing could be further from the truth. The Miniature Condor, as the numbers of its ancestors (the Californian and Andean Condor) began to diminish, was a species come about from necessity and natural selection. Particularly in California, the species was near extinction and, as their numbers increased, the smaller of these majestic birds began to try to blend in with flocks of other birds, eschewing their friends and family in favor of safety and security. At first they hung out with vultures (a terrible blow socially) and then with crows and blackbirds for a time. Frequently they were accused of over eating and took a great deal of harassment for their size. But they stuck it out and eventually they began to blend in, their bodies growing smaller with each successive generation that went by. Until, eventually -- their once great beauty warped some by the humiliation of what they had had to endure -- they came to resemble the creatures they are today: a perfect camouflage to blend with the last "flock" of birds they chose to blend into, the common fly.

The truth is, there is no such thing as a "house fly." There are flies that land on poo and carcasses and there are Miniature Condors. Frankly, you have to be an entomologist or an ornithologist to spot the difference now.

How good are you?

If you think I'm exaggerating, see if you can tell which is which? Take a closer look at that photograph above and then the video on the right. One is a fly, an insect, and one is a Camouflaged Condor, a bird. Let's see what kind of naturalist you would make. Look at them both carefully and see if you can figure out which is which.

Well...?

If you guessed that the video "fly" was the Miniature Condor, you were correct: if that was an actual "fly" it would have been eating a chunk of poo not a chunk of sugar.

Anyway, as you can clearly see, the Miniature Condor makes a great pet for kids and it doesn't require that you lock the poor thing up in a tiny little cage. Like your cat or your dog, the miniature condor can have the roam of your house and, unlike dogs and cats, your Miniature Condor does not have to be potty trained. In fact, you may notice your dogs and/or cats will even learn to love your Miniature Condor and will play fun hunting games with them all the time. Miniature Condors are a blast. Get one. Get four or five. They're great.

4. Cobs

The cob is an elusive creature who has been around for centuries. Most people have wild cobs in their home but kill them mercilessly. Well, it is my mission to tell you that there really is no need. You can solve your pet problems and save your conscience too. "Kill two birds with one stone," as the saying goes. Plus, you can spare yourself all that tedious reaching and stretching to get rid of the evidence of your cobs, and you can give your children the joy of living in an amazing natural habitat.

Nobody has ever seen an adult cob in action before, but clearly they are out there. If you housewife types could just refrain from wiping out your homes long enough, science might someday get one recorded in a video. For now, photographic evidence will have to do.

All you need to get started on making your home into a natural cob habitat is one good barbeque. It doesn't matter what you serve at this meal, just be sure you make some ears of corn. Have your kids eat some, even if they wear braces. Your orthodontist has to fix them for free just so long as you tell them that "Little Susie's wires just popped right out." (Sometimes you have to tell little white lies in the name of spawning cobs - or cobbing as it's called in the UK.)

Anyway, make sure everyone eats their corn all the way down and then just throw it all away. The miracle of nature will happen and the cobs do their cocooning process secretly in the garbage can. The adult cobs, obviously transformed and free of the remnants of the corn, will do their cobby thing and, soon you'll see the evidence of their activities in a corner of your home. It's an amazing spectacle and a miracle to behold. Just sit back and watch their little cob home flutter majestically in the breeze of an open window or ceiling fan. Your kids will learn the miracle of life and become catalysts in this great transformation from corn to amazing pet. The cob, it's not just for dinner anymore, it is your friend.

Poor Moby...

5. Microscopic Moby Dick

Similar to the miniature condor, the Microscopic Whale or Microscopic Moby Dick is a much smaller version of a once very large creature. Most people have heard the story of "Jonas and the Whale," wherein Jonas was sacrificed to the sea to save his shipmates and spent a long weekend in the stomach of a whale. He spent the whole time hanging out and asking God if He might hook him up with a gig on land until finally God was like, "Alright dude, I'll cut you some slack, but some day, you'll have to get me back for this." So, Jonas was set on land.

Well, what most people don't know is that few thousand years later Jonas' great-great-a-bunch-of-times-removed granddaughter, Joan, was out fishing when along comes this big white sperm whale being chased down by some jagoff named Ahab. The sperm whale surfaces by Joan's tiny boat and says to her, "Dude, this stump-legged a-hole is trying to kill me, I need you to hook me up a rescue."

Well of course Joan, upon seeing the terrible pirate-looking Ahab, was all, "Umm, I don't think so. Leave me out of this."

But that's when the whale called in the favor of Joan's distant ancestor, Jonas. "You owe me," said the whale, "because my forefather saved yours way back in the day."

"Fine, make him pay you back," said Joan. "I don't owe you shit."

"That's not how it works," said the whale. "If you don't save me, I will curse your family for a hundred thousand years."

Joan thought about this for awhile and was like, "Damn, ok, you got me there. What do I have to do?"

The whale said, "Swallow me and hide me in your stomach like my ancestor did for yours."

Joan just blinked a few times and stared at the whale with one eyebrow raised.

"No, seriously," said the whale. "I mean it."

"I didn't know whales could smoke crack," said Joan. "Seems like all that sea water would snuff the lighter out."

It was the whale's turn to blink back at her blankly. But then it dawned on him and he suddenly understood Joan's perplexity. "Oh, the size thing," he said, laughing and looking a bit ashamed. "No problem, I'm a magic whale. I got this." Suddenly the great white sperm whale became a tiny little thing and jumped into Joan's mouth. "Swallow," he said to her.

"Screw that," she said. "I ain't swallowing nothing."

"Do it," he demanded. "Or a hundred thousand years of curse." Joan still seemed reluctant as the great whaling ship bore down on her tiny fishing boat. "Do it," demanded the whale. "Besides, it's only for three days. Then you can spit me out."

Well, needless to say, she did it. Ahab came by and asked if she'd seen a whale swim by, to which she said, "No." And for three days she carried that whale around in her stomach, paying back for the spared life of her long-dead ancestor Jonas. On the third day she spat it out.

"There," she said looking down at the whale lying in the sink. "We're even now, right?"

"Yes, said the whale," looking happy at first. But then, he was all, "Hey, wtf? I'm in a sink. What did you do?"

Joan looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Why am I in a sink?"

"What, you want me to take you out to the garden?"

"Oh my god," yelled the whale. "Where are we?"

"Toledo," said Joan. "I came home. You didn't say I couldn't go home. That was the last day of my vacation. I had to work today."

"Jezus," said the whale. "Are you an idiot? I can't return to my normal size in here."

Joan, seeing that the whale was going to be an ungrateful jerk, turned the spigot on and washed the whale down the drain, calling out to him as he swirled away, "We're even. Next time be more specific."

It was at that point that the Microscopic Moby Dick entered into the drinking water system and from there spread across humanity as a pet. Teenage boys discovered this pet first and frequently keep them in a sock.

Microscopic Whales make great pets and are fun as hell to make, although in truth it's mostly a pet for the older animal lovers of the world. While men seem to possess more of these pets than women do, women frequently enjoy them as well. A fun game for couples to play is Joan and the Whale, but many women often treat their pets the same way their ancestor Joan did back in Toledo. But regardless of whether you are male or female, the Microscopic Moby Dick is a fantastic pet that anyone can keep once you locate a source for procuring one (generally there are no shortages of volunteers).

Conclusion

So there you have, five great pets that anyone can keep. They don't require special cages or tanks and the odds are you have everything you need to keep one of these great creatures already handy in your home. Who doesn't have a glass for an Amoeba or a sock for their very own Microscopic Sperm Whale? Nobody, that's who. You have this stuff at home so now it's just up to you. Go out and have some fun in the amazing world of animals, and bring some guilt free joy to everyone!

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The first story in this book is about a philosophizing sperm. If you don't laugh, you are dead. See a doctor. (The rest is amazing too.)

Comments

Shadesbreath (author) from California on June 24, 2012:

Or they're easy to find. If you are unable to get them by yourself, ask almost any guy and he'll probably offer to give you some for free.

Jeeva on June 23, 2012:

where can u find the mini whales

mysterylady 89 from Florida on July 23, 2010:

Thank you.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on July 23, 2010:

It's colon-D, :D It's a smiley face :) except with a big sh!t-eating grin. :D

mysterylady 89 from Florida on July 23, 2010:

I just read the comments. Wonderful!

Btw, what is "D"? I have seen it quite a few times and am ignorant.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on July 23, 2010:

The amoebas are easy to keep, but the cobs are a close second. The whales are the ones that amuse me most though. :D

mysterylady 89 from Florida on July 22, 2010:

I should read the comments, which I am sure are as hilarious as the hub, but it is late and I am tired. Although I tried, I just couldn't decide which of these magnificent pets I would choose.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on November 28, 2009:

I know, I laughed the whole time I was writing it. I'm glad you and a handful of other's got it. :) Thanks for saying so, too. :)

Annie on November 28, 2009:

This was funny!

sunforged from Sunforged.com on January 09, 2009:

utterly speechless, Im so pissed that I let my girlfriend convince me to let her rescue a puppy, when I should have convinced her to realize the wealth of unloved pets that already lived amongst us.

anyway,puppy is going back to the pound, Im going to have to monetize this mini whale idea, Ive started already, but im running out of names

thanks for the help, your a godsend!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 15, 2008:

I have that effect on women.

(Thanks for saying so, means a lot to know when a joke sticks. You just never know with humor, toss it out and hope someone thinks it's funny too.)

Anna Marie Bowman from Florida on September 15, 2008:

WOW!!! I really don't know what else to say! I laughed so hard I started to cry!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 15, 2008:

It's true. What can I say that modesty does not prevent from passing these humble lips?

Shirley Anderson from Ontario, Canada on September 15, 2008:

Mmmmm, fries....yummy!

I shall work on upgrading that chuckle to a snort to a full blown belly laugh! I'm now officially in training, and will follow your advice for maximum effect.

Thx for the tip! Gee, pet guidance and laughing tricks all rolled into one. You are a full service writer.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 15, 2008:

Dang, BT, another genius idea. You're gonna have your aisle at Just-Pay-Us Superstores. Chew toys sound like just thing, maybe some infect faux jerky strip or something. You, you might even market that to the military. We're going to be rich! (Notice how I included myself there.)

And you are right, Shirley, amoeba's are fierce predators, gobbling up all kinds of other helpless protozoa. Parental supervision is advized so that little Suzy or Jonny isn't traumatized by all the cytoplasmic gore.

And, I'm very happy to have informed you on the micro-moby thing. Ignorance is dish best served ... with fries? Dunno where that was going. Anyway, I'm glad you laughed, but, frankly, a chuckle is not good enough. Go back and read it again, keep reading it, until you shudder with gut bending guffaws. (Oh, and if you REALLY want to laugh, go look at the youtube link I put in BT's Zoo hub. I'm still guffawing at that thing.

Shirley Anderson from Ontario, Canada on September 15, 2008:

As soon as I saw the title on the hubtivity page, I knew this had to be yours.

The amoeba looks like great fun, although I'm not sure that it isn't a little too violent in nature for little ones.

Thx for the history lesson about the origin of the mini Moby. Fascinating. Really.

Absolutely hilarious as usual, Shades! Thx for the morning chuckle.

B.T. Evilpants from Hell, MI on September 15, 2008:

Given their proclivity for drinking from toilets, and licking things that, frankly, should never be licked; I can't guarantee the effectiveness of e coli on dogs. But I'm pretty sure the botunella will handle them nicely. In the meantime, I am working on a "special" line of chew toys impregnated with... well I can't give away all of my secrets, now can I?

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

Amanda, children have a natural affinity with nature that we adults have lost. Sixty's mold thing, well, that's another whole deal. I've sent a detatchment of psychologists, anthropologists and two bar bouncers to his house to have a talk with him. We'll see how it goes in time.

Amanda Severn from UK on September 14, 2008:

I'm sure I discovered botullism, e-coli, and salmonella thriving under my boy's toenails when he came home from the summer's camping trip. There might even have been some of sixty's cheesy mould there (certainly smelt like it!) No merlot though, but I guess he is only nine. Gosh, kids these days. Always trying to sneak new pets in! SIGH!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

I have not had the pleasure of that book, Spryte, but I did just Google it, read a description and put it on my book list.  Sounds like fun.  However, I can't attest to similarity obviously.  Suffice to say, the first story is hilarious, the over all book is genius (it's a composit novel, very fun for the diligent), and there's an Odyssian story in there that is so brilliant and amazing that, well, anyway... I do gush.

Sweet.  I almost included ecoli as a pet option... very nice you brought them up. I'm going to destroy my neighbor. (Do ecoli work on dogs?)

B.T. Evilpants from Hell, MI on September 14, 2008:

Just make sure you keep them in the toilet for the prescribed period of time. If you do, you will see that they all have cute little e coli pets, on leashes. That ought to give you the upper hand against the neighbor.

spryte from Arizona, USA on September 14, 2008:

Darn Shade...now I'm going to have to go and find that book (since I haven't read it).  Is it similar in humor to "The Rape of the Ape?"

Oh, btw...you don't need corn on the cob to lure in those elusive critters anymore. I found that a Cobb salad worked just as well.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

Man, you rock. I have a neighbor I'm going to challenge to a bio-warfare game as soon as I get it. Thanks a ton.

B.T. Evilpants from Hell, MI on September 14, 2008:

My botunella is finally ready! I have them under the microscope, and they all have sinister little goatees! These things are cool! I'm sending you a do-it-yourself kit, Shades. It's the least I can do.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

LOL way to take one for the team on the Merlots and Gewurzt's Zsuzsy. You give and give, that's what we love about you.

Zsuzsy Bee from Ontario/Canada on September 14, 2008:

I run a foster home for all the unwanted pets it seems so if you need a new home for your amoebas, mobies and cobs for a mere donation of 19.99 Canadian Dollars I'll give them all a good home. Sixtyorso I also have room for the Merlots and Gewurztraminer better said I'll sacrifice some of my space for the good of the Merlots etc...

I hope this will help regards Zsuzsy

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

I can think of tasks far more onerous, to be honest, RMR. And they only don't live long because of the TOXIC ENVIRONMENT into which they are most often introduced. I mean, I'm not saying that means anything per se, just, you know, saying.

rmr from Livonia, MI on September 14, 2008:

I'm pretty sure I've heard of lazy ones. And if they don't live long, you're sure gonna have to spend a lot of time making more!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

Well, there are the rare exceptions, like the one in the video swimming against the grain.  Oh, and Spryte, I know YOU of all people have read John Barth's book _Lost in the Funhouse_ with it's great opening short about the reluctant sperm.  Tell me you have.

(In fact, I'm putting an Amazon link to that right now LOL. God, that book is so funny. Now I need to go read it again. Thanks for making me think of it.)

spryte from Arizona, USA on September 14, 2008:

They don't eat eggs!!!

In fact, they don't eat (one of the benefits of minature sperm whale ownership). They also don't live very long...and they tire easily after a long swim. Luckily, there are millions more where that one came from and they are easily replaceable. One of them is as good as the next...sort of...

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

Yeah, sorry about that. But then, you could choose to believe that I am not a credible writer and therefore, by disregarding everything I say, you can keep your beliefs in tact.

The answers are out there.

:P

Tari from New Zealand on September 14, 2008:

Wait. .wait... are you trying to say Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy aren't real? wha??

I should read the rest of that I suppose but I can't quite get past that... lol

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2008:

lol