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67 (or Fewer) Horror Movies to Watch If You’re Stranded on a Desert Island Like I Was

I Wrote my First Movie Review While Giving Birth to a Camera. It has followed me ever since. Please don't mind the Mess.

They must really like white girls.

They must really like white girls.

Those that know me remember that time I was trapped on a desert island for the better part of 67 years (hence the title of the list, one movie for every year I was on that island). It’s not something I really like to talk about so most people never ask me about it. It’s taken me this long to find the strength to share with you all what happened and what got me through this ordeal.

It was the power of movies. More specifically, horror movies that helped distract me when I was being hunted by the Minotaur or cougars (actual cougars, not older women) or being haunted by island ghosts and demon children.

These 67 movies I happened to have with me when my plane went down and somehow, they remained intact and playable kept me alive. Maybe they’ll keep you alive when your plane goes down over the ocean.

I hope that doesn’t happen but you can’t complain to me if it does and you don’t have any movies to watch while you’re beings pursued by wolves or dragons or the Wendigo.

If I stop before I write about all 67 movies, that means I just couldn’t continue because it was too emotionally exhausting.

Say "Fran Kranz" 10 times fast. Then backwards. Say "Alison Hanigan" once. And don't call her Willow.

Say "Fran Kranz" 10 times fast. Then backwards. Say "Alison Hanigan" once. And don't call her Willow.

Chuck

"Exposition is my middle name."

Brief Overview

This horror comedy got me through some of the darkest days of my first years on the island. It’s smarter and gorier than you’d expect and possibly the best movie ever based on a Twitter thread. The movie loses a bit of steam near the end, but it’s well worth the wait. Everybody who’s into horror has met a version of Alyson Hannigan’s character, even the slightly less believable parts when the comic book/collectible shop she owns/or just works at is actually full of people

Why it’s Useful on a Deserted Island

I don’t know if it’s the manufacturer or the actual Blu-Ray, but in year 26 I ran out of food and was forced to eat this movie or starve to death. This Blu-Ray tastes exactly like fillet mignon from Ruth’s Chris. The DVD tastes like chicken you get from Wal-Mart after 10pm. I suggest you spring for the Blu-Ray.

So that's how you spell "Connelly" and "Jennifer".

So that's how you spell "Connelly" and "Jennifer".

Frau Bruckner

"Why don't you call your INSECTS! GO ON! CALL! CALL!"

Brief Overview

This Dario Argento chiller stars Jennifer Connelly as a girl who is the world’s first and foremost bug whisperer. There are some pretty creative visuals and everybody loves Donald Pleasence because I heard he was rather pleasant. I watched this while a bunch of island cannibals were stalking me and it’s still a pretty entertaining movie.

Why it’s Useful on a Deserted Island

Since the movie focuses on the manipulation of bugs, it reminded me that islands are crawling with bugs that you can use as food in order to keep from starving. Eating bugs may not be ideal, but neither is being trapped on a desert island for 67 years.

This was a green production. And a terrible movie.

This was a green production. And a terrible movie.

Montgomery

What are you going to say? "Mayday. Mayday. I'm being held by a pig lady."

Brief Overview

Yes, it’s one of the worst movies ever made and 23 years passing has done nothing to diminish its stature. But when you’re being hunted by island vampires, you can take solace in the fact that no matter how close you are to instantaneous death or that you’re on the verge of running out of food, nothing will be worse than actually watching The Island of Dr. Moreau. When you’re trapped on an island, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and there you have…the facts of life (the facts of life).

Why it’s Useful on a Deserted Island

The hot air of post-Batman Forever Val Kilmer’s ego is more than enough to provide you with enough helium to inflate a raft or keep you in the warm embrace of his love…for himself. Just don’t let Marlon Brando eat any of your food. Val Kilmer either.

67-or-fewer-horror-movies-to-watch-if-youre-stranded-on-a-desert-island-like-i-was

Howard

"I have a collection of films on DVD and VHS cassette... make sure you put 'em back when you're done with 'em. We're gonna be down here for a very long time."

Brief Overview

What better way to appreciate the wide-open spaces of an island all to yourself than by watching a movie as claustrophobic as 10 Cloverfield Lane? Sure, I was tracked by killer whales and wooly mammoths, but I’m glad I didn’t have to spend any amount of time with John Goodman’s character. I have mixed feelings about the ending, but it’s better than a month-long bout of dysentery.

Why it’s Useful on a Deserted Island

The DVD makes a convenient coaster for a nice cold can of _______ (this space for beverage advertising).

What did Jessica do to deserve this?

What did Jessica do to deserve this?

Emily

"It's not the cake!"

Brief Overview

To be honest, I had seen this a couple of times before my plane went down and enjoyed it enough to bring it with me on my fateful trip. I had been watching it sometime during my 45th year on the island when a velociraptor attacked me in my tent. With only my training to fall back on, I took the DVD (I hadn’t gotten the Blu-Ray yet) and threw it at the raptor’s head. The razor-sharp DVD beheaded the raptor with barely a whoosh in the wind. Not only did the DVD stop the attack, but the severed head provided me with raptor meat for the better part of a fortnight and I was also able to use the head as a Halloween mask. I have pictures and I’ll show them to you another time. I keep thinking I’ll finish Jessica, but I’m afraid that when I’m right in the middle of it at my house another raptor will attack me. You know how it goes.

Why it’s Useful on a Deserted Island

The previously mentioned raptor-killing abilities.

Let's put their names on her shoulder blades.

Let's put their names on her shoulder blades.

Tommy

"There used to be a time it was hard to tell a comatose person from a dead one, so coroners tied bells to everybody in the morgue. So if they heard a 'ting', they knew somebody down there wasn't quite ready to go."

Brief Overview

Another one of those wheeze-inducing horror movies set inside an enclosed space, namely a morgue. It’s common knowledge that when you’re on a desert island you’re frequently surrounded by corpses that could still be alive. Over the 67 years I’d seen this movie about a dozen times and I still get chills every time I hear that bell sound. What got me through it was by watching Jane Doe with one of the many corpses that littered the island. Some of them I actually called Jane Doe. Isn’t that adorable?

Why it’s Useful on a Deserted Island

Warmth and companionship. The movie, not corpses. Why would you think that? You’ve got a sick problem.

Obligatory 80s expression like rad or...radical. Meh...

Obligatory 80s expression like rad or...radical. Meh...

Curtis

"You know you can get AIDS from looking through trash, right?"

Brief Overview

This movie is mostly derivative, sometimes boring, and about as scary as a videotape rewinding (obligatory 80s reference!). Every character is as cliched and generic as an audiotape rewinding (obligatory 80s reference- awesome!!!). But it is set in the 80s, and if the latter half of the 2010s has shown us anything, it’s that no matter how bad a movie or television show is, if you set it in the 80s, people will lap it up regardless of quality. As stale as 84 is, it did help me during the final 30 years on the island because I just pretended everything took place in the 80s and it made everything better.

Why it’s Useful on a Deserted Island

Nostalgia goggles help you forget you’re stranded on a deserted island as basilisks wait for you to die.

In Closing

There you have it. 67 or fewer movies to watch if you’re stranded on a deserted island like I was. I know you’ve likely seen most or all of them, but I give these to you not merely for entertainment.

But for survival.

I wish 67 years ago someone had posted a list like this on the internet. If you’re thinking of taking a trip on an airplane over the ocean, make sure you take a couple of these titles. You’ll thank me for it 67 years from now.

Comments

Jennifer Jorgenson on June 29, 2019:

Yes.

Noel Penaflor (author) from California on June 29, 2019:

Thank you very much. It's all about the children.

Jennifer Jorgenson on June 29, 2019:

Hilarious and helpful!

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