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6 of the Craziest White Ladies in Horror

I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!

We're equally shocked she didn't get an Oscar Nomination.

We're equally shocked she didn't get an Oscar Nomination.

I’ve got some time to kill so I might as well start writing this list…

If I don’t finish it, it’s because the crazy white lady whose basement I’m in finally finished me off. I’ll try to get through as much as I can before, you know.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here.

I do know that it is definitely my neighbor Annie Uggs that kidnapped me as I was going to see Ready or Not again at the local theater. I was inside my vehicle and was about to start my car. Then I heard a someone knocking at my window. It startled me, but I saw that it was Mrs. Uggs. I didn’t think anything of it so I unrolled my window because it was just harmless old Annie O.

Then she reached for my face and then everything went black.

I woke up in what looks like her basement. There was a dull ache in my head and neck region. It felt worse the more I moved. I had to find out where I was. I still had my phone in my pocket but the battery was dead.

I got up, started stumbling my way around. Just my luck, I felt what seemed to be a light switch and turned it on.

I really was in a basement. I ran up the stairs, yelled to whoever could hear me to let me out. I was not surprised to hear that no one answered.

I then looked around and saw what appeared to be old black and white wedding photos. It looked like Mrs. Uggs about 50 or 60 years ago. But the groom in the picture was scratched out so his appearance was not discernible.

It was then that I also found out that my left arm had been cut off and sewed into a stump-

Yeah. It was dark.

Anyway, my left arm and my right leg have been dismembered and I have to think of a way to get out of here—

It’s very difficult. But being here, in the basement of this crazy white lady, reminds me that I need to make a list of the craziest white ladies of horror. Not a comprehensive list, but ones that really made an impact on me as a person.

Yes, but I want to make this list first before I pass out again. Get out, that’s a good one.

No. Just let me make this list and I’ll tell you the address and phone number and even show you a picture. Now please let me make this list as I have only 1 arm and 1 leg and I’m starting to bleed out a little.

It’s very difficult.

I would like to say that a crazy white lady list might have a lot of crossover with those “Deadliest Moms of Horror” you see every Mother’s Day on your favorite horror site. I tried my best not to include the obvious mom choices, but I’m bleeding out of my arm and leg.

Oh yeah, there are spoilers.

Nobody drinks milk like this. That's how you know something is wrong.

Nobody drinks milk like this. That's how you know something is wrong.

Line That Doesn’t Sound Crazy at all

“You were one of my favorites”

Just thought I’d get this out of the way since Get Out is fresh in everyone’s heads and hearts. Get it? Get this OUT of the way. Yeah, I thought that up. When we first meet Rose in the apartment, we think she’s just a sweet white girl that happens to like black guys. No big deal. As Get Out progresses, Rose’s wide eyes and little doll smile get a little to a lot more sinister. The beauty and the terror of Williams’ understated yet terrifying performance is that she barely changes the inflection and the tone in her voice. It’s debatable, but Rose may the craziest of the Armitages. In a family full of crazy white women, she takes the dark chocolate loving cake.

Crazy Scale

7

Other than the creepy lady that looks like a really good meal.

Other than the creepy lady that looks like a really good meal.

Line That Doesn’t Sound Crazy at all

“I'm your number one fan. There's nothing to worry about. You're going to be just fine. I will take good care of you. I'm your number one fan.”

Yes, Annie Wilkes is on Mount Rushmore of crazy white ladies of horror. Kathy Bates’ Oscar for Misery is so well-deserved, you can’t remember anybody else that was nominated back in 1990. What’s most disturbing about Wilkes is that there are moments during Misery when you actually feel a little sorry for her. Then she does something insane and you feel bad for James Caan again. I feel sorry for those penguins.

Crazy Scale

9

So you're saying she has a shot...

So you're saying she has a shot...

Line That Doesn’t Sound Crazy at all

“Is it finger lickin' good?”

Worst prom date ever. Unlike Rose in Get Out, as you watch The Loved Ones, you’re not really sure if Princess is the craziest one in the family as mum and dad make strong cases on their own. Now every time I see a white girl in a pink prom dress holding an electric drill, I run the other way (it happens more than you think). Australia has the nuttiest proms.

Crazy Scale

Dialed up to an 11

She likes to hang...

She likes to hang...

Line That Doesn’t Sound Crazy at all

“Look at me, Damien! It's all for you.”

Sure, it’s not really the nanny’s fault because she was possessed by a hellhound but even if you haven’t seen The Omen in a long time, her scene is the one you remember. I wasn’t old enough to see The Omen in theaters, but I can only imagine how her scene played out to theater audiences back in 1976.

Crazy Scale

666

6-of-the-craziest-white-ladies-of-horror

Line That Doesn’t Sound Crazy at all

“I was trying to save you!!!”

Annie is the worst movie mom of the 2010s. Or maybe it’s her mother. Thanks to the brilliance of Hereditary we’re not really sure, even if we’ve seen it multiple times. We all know Toni Collette should have been nominated for an Oscar for her unhinged performance as the white woman taken to the edge by the death of her mother. Then driven over it by an errant telephone pole and Ari Aster’s affinity for head trauma. The first time I saw the movie I thought Collette was a bit over-the-top. Seeing it again, I thought it was pitch (black) perfect. White people problems taken to the Nth.

Crazy Scale

667

You've got a lot of red on you. More around you, I guess.

You've got a lot of red on you. More around you, I guess.

Line That Doesn’t Sound Crazy at all

“I want one.”

See this with your mother. As an adopted child I often wonder if the events that transpire in this movie coincide with how I ended up with my adopted mother. Your look of shock is noted and yes, my adopted mother is that crazy. I think we can all agree that La Femme is really bad mother material, but we give her an A for effort and ingenuity. She also gets a F(rench) for mental stability. Watching this again, I’m astounded at how many implausible scenes I missed the first time. I think I was too busy closing my eyes to notice.

Trailer, because any scene shown is way too brutal.

Crazy Scale

Oui

There you have it. Some of horror’s craziest white women. So the next time you’re at a restaurant and a table of white women order dessert and then scream, before you shush them remember that at least one of them is a character in one of these movies.

It’s okay, I’m not thinking straight because I’m bleeding out. I’ll be all right though…I’ll think up another horror list.

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© 2019 Noel Penaflor