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6 of Santa Claus’ Favorite Ho Ho Horror Movies

My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .

I want one of those candy canes. It looks like it could also be used as a pen.

I want one of those candy canes. It looks like it could also be used as a pen.

Christmas is everyone’s favorite time the year because if you live in an area where you can get snow, for a short window of time you can bury the handful of corpses you’ve been storing in your freezer under said snow and wait for Santa Claus to pick them up.

Oh, did you know that jolly old Saint Nick did that as part of a side quest during his nightly trip around the world? Let me enlighten you.

On top of bringing presents to all the good little girls and boys and bots around the world, Santa will also pick up any and all corpses you’ve kept around your house throughout the year. It’s a pretty convenient pickup and delivery service.

Santa’s not dumb. Santa know we’re not going to be perfect 365 days of the year. Sometimes we get naughty. And sometimes that naughtiness has a body count. Santa will pick up your corpses, toss them in the back and…

I’ve asked Santa that same question point-blank. He’s always been cagey with a direct answer, but he’s kind of inferred that he and Ms. Claus are sometimes into role-playing and that sometimes corpses are needed as kind of a silent audience.

I asked Santa to stop talking after he said “role playing” but he kept on going with that last part at the end. Then he winked at me and gave me a fist bump followed by the fist bump “explosion”.

I then asked him what he did with the corpses afterward. He told me he has a certain sect of elves that “take care” of them when he and Ms. Claus are done. He said “take care” with giant air finger quotes as if I should somehow know what that means. Santa said he’d send some pictures to my phone.

I said I don’t want pictures of what your elves do with corpses sent to my phone.

Santa said he’ll send them right away then. “Brett will be very excited to hear what you think of them,” he said.

“Who is Brett?” I asked.

“Brett and his wife Karen are the heads of the corpse elves. They’re no longer allowed to make toys because…well, because.” Santa then made hand motions to me that I will not repeat nor describe on a family show such as this.

Anyway, it was during one of these corpse pickup trips a few Christmas Eves ago that I had a chat with Santa. I happened to be awake wrapping presents and hauling corpses when Santa came down. I was talking a break and watching a horror movie (Starry Eyes, if you must know).

Santa finished the final 20 minutes with me and then proceeded to tell me his favorite horror movies. As you might expect, not all of these are Christmas-centric.

Festive! Get it "Slay" ride!

Festive! Get it "Slay" ride!

Santa’s Own Words

“I’ve always enjoyed attics. I can’t watch the 1974 version because I’m allergic to polyester”

What Santa also managed to not say was that he loves the first Black Christmas remake because back in the day he had a huge crush on Michelle Trachtenberg. I mean, he’s been stalking, um, keeping tabs on her ever since she was born and brought her all the best presents even when she wasn’t all that great growing up. Santa even has Ice Princess on videotape, DVD, AND Blu-Ray. I’m sure it’s all very harmless though.

So much creativity in one title. Makes you wonder what it would have been called had it been from Yugoslavia.

So much creativity in one title. Makes you wonder what it would have been called had it been from Yugoslavia.

Santa’s Own Words

“I love foreign films because they help me learn a new language. This helps me on my travels to different lands”

What Santa didn’t tell me was that more than a couple of his elves and reindeer played heavies without lines in A Serbian Film. They shot the movie during the offseason to earn some extra money. One of Santa’s favorite elves named Abner played the baby in, you know, that one scene with the baby.

You've got some red on you..r onesheet.

You've got some red on you..r onesheet.

Santa’s Own Words

“One of the Canadian cities I used to visit was overrun by zombies. This movie reminds me of it and makes me wistful”.

What Santa forgot to tell you is that Canadian city that was overrun by zombies was one of the places Santa liked to take the naughty kids if they were becoming too much of a problem. He’d take them out of their beds while they were sleeping and drop them off in the middle of zombie central. If they survived they usually became better kids after that and were always on the “nice” list. Most of them didn’t survive.

Should you be drinking out of a broken glass?

Should you be drinking out of a broken glass?

Santa’s Own Words

“This movie frightens me to my jolly f*cking core. I can’t talk about it. Don’t make me talk about it”.

What Santa’s not telling you is this movie is the reason he and Mrs. Claus don’t accept invitations from white people that are a little too eager to have them over. Maybe not accept any invitations from white people. Maybe it’s an MLM, but more likely it’s…you’ve seen the movie.

Keyholes in the head are pretty painful.

Keyholes in the head are pretty painful.

Santa’s Own Words

“As you know, I’ve seen so many children over the years, and this movie reminds me of some very special children”.

What Santa’s not telling you is that the events that happen in this movie are based on what Santa did to some police officers who were very naughty as children. Everything you see in the movie is Santa-approved. Also, whenever he watches this he thinks of ice cream. Santa loves ice cream.

6-of-santa-claus-favorite-ho-ho-horror-movies

Santa’s Own Words

“Ever since The Bad Batch I’ve been following the career of Ana Lily Amirpour. She’s an outstanding director and A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night is one of the more interesting horror movies out there”.

What Santa’s not telling you is that during the non-Christmas times he, Mrs. Claus and an elf named Bronco spend an inordinate amount of time following girls on the street. They say it’s to see if they’re being naughty or nice, but I think there’s an ulterior motive and this movie alludes to the dangers of that. It’s a pretty good vampire movie as well.

Closing Thoughts

There you have it. A handful of Santa’s favorite horror movies. So while you’re waiting for Santa to drop off some of your presents or pick up some of your corpses, instead of milk and cookies, try playing one of these movies throughout the night. Santa will appreciate it.

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This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.

© 2019 Noel Penaflor