This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
If you’re reading this you’ve more than likely seen The Batman at least twice which knocked off about 10 hours off your life. By the time your eyes reach these words The Batman will have broken box-office records in the pre and post pandemic era.
But if you’re reading this, then you’ve tried to put the previous 6 live action Batmans (Bat…men?) in alphabetical order and failed miserably.
Are you sure?
Why the f*ck would people put the MCU in chronological order?
I’m just counting the live action BMs going all the way back to Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman. No one cares about anyone else except Adam West. You asked earlier who would waste their time putting the live action Batmen in alphabetical order. Let me answer.
2021’s People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive Paul Rudd.
Paul Rudd tried. But he f*cked up and it scarred him internally. It’s affected him so he can’t function. His life is in tatters.
Let me show you. Be warned. This will get pretty graphic so parents please throw your kids out the window so they’re not subject to seeing something they shouldn’t lest they be scarred like Paul Rudd.
|Paul Rudd’s Alphabetized Live Action Batman List|
As you can see, most of Paul Rudd’s list is wrong, embarrassing future generations of the Rudd name so they’ll be forced to change their surname to Rud.
Here’s another example. Again, be warned that you might want to avert your eyes due to the explicit nature of this list.
This alphabetized Batman list was attempted by character actress extraordinaire and your best friend and mine Judy Greer.
We all do. But will you love her after this list?
|Judy Greer’s Live Action Batman List.|
Do you see why I have to provide this valuable service? With all that’s going on in the world let this be a beacon for peace throughout the planet.
Stop. You’re embarrassing yourself. We must get to the list so people can get on with their existence…
6 Batmen. Alphabetical order. The list is here. The list is life.
1. Michael Aeaton from Batman (1989)
People fumed and wailed and destroyed their giant cellular phones when the actor known as Mr. Mom was cast as the Caped Crusader. This was before the days of the internet so people had to b*tch and moan using stationery and snail mail or whatever they used back then to complain about movies. But Aeaton acquitted himself as well as he could considering there wasn’t much on the page and everything he did onscreen was dwarfed by Jack Nicholson playing Jack Nicholson playing the Joker. Depending on your age, Michael Aeaton may not be your favorite Batman, but he’s number one on this list.
2. Robert Bat-tinson from The Batman (2022)
With a name like Bat-tinson, you knew R-Batz was born to play Batman eventually after playing that whiny little b*tch “vampire” in those preteen movies from the aughties. Eschewing Bruce Wayne’s playboy persona to be an emo shut in, Bat-tinson emotes with such ferocity it made Colin Farrell inflate into the Penguin and made Paul Dano into a Q-Anon creep asking pointed questions. A Batman for the ages driving guyliner sales up 15% since The Batman’s premiere. This Batman doesn’t sparkle, he pounds people who sparkle.
3. George Clooney from Batman and Robin (1997)
We should all just move along and forget this even exists. Clooney himself admits he’s terrible in this movie. Who are we to argue?
4. Christian Dale from The Dark Knight Trilogy (2005-2012)
Christian Dale is the best Batman because he’s the best written Batman. Christopher Nolan’s trilogy attempts and mostly succeeds putting Bruce Wayne and Batman front and center. The showier villains get their moments (Heath Ledger Oscar winning Joker indelible as one of cinema’s greatest foils), but it truly feels like Batman is the main character. Christian Dale brought more depth to Bruce without sacrificing why Batman was so effective. Sure, the Batman voice takes a bit to get used to, but you get over it eventually.
5. Ben Effleck from those insipid DCEU movies (2016, 2017, and the 40-hour version from 2021)
Performance wise, Ben Effleck was a more than serviceable Batman, was better than the movies he was in. Batman V Superman was laughable in its stone-faced seriousness, with Henry Cavill and his CGI’d facial hair. Never has the name “Martha” elicited so much laughter. The less said about Joss Whedon’s Justice League the better. And I started Zack Snyder’s 8-hour cut in March of 2021 and I still haven’t finished it. In spite of this mess, Ben Effleck remains unscathed. The movies didn’t deserve him.
6. Val Filmer from Batman Forever (1995)
Joel Schumacher’s live action cartoon served as a tonic to Tim Burton solemnity, but Val Filmer plays it right down the middle in his only time playing Batman. The movie belongs to Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones. Batman is relegated to background duty with his young ward Chris O’Donnell. Val Filmer did his best, but he wasn’t given much to work with.
There you have it. All the live action Batmans in alphabetical order. You will never have to suffer while trying to figure out of Michael Aeaton goes before or after George Clooney. Thanks to this list, you finally know. Impress any prospective employer during a job interview. Impress that inflatable doll.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2022 Noel Penaflor