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6 Horror Movies To Watch in 2024 That Will Cause Bradley Cooper to Devour Your Soul and Eat Your Face.

I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!

He will lose that smile if you mention All About Steve or He's Just Not That Into You.

He will lose that smile if you mention All About Steve or He's Just Not That Into You.

We should feel ourselves fortunate. If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the year of our Cooper 2020. As you are very well aware Bradley Maisel Cooper is one of the 23 lords and ladies of the blazing underworld and 2020 is when the prophecy shall be fulfilled.

The one where Bradley Carlos Cooper will fully reign as lord of the underworld once he devours the requisite number of souls. Now that it’s 2020 he’s required to taste the souls of earth mortals, as required by the winners of the People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Common knowledge.

You didn’t know lord Bradley Mason Cooper must fulfill his destiny over all who dwell below and soon all who live above?

Since you’re the only one who doesn’t know I guess I’ll tell you. But you could just ask anybody and they could tell you chapter and verse. It’s in every school textbook and will autocomplete on all online searches.

The Legend of Bradley Hayabusa Cooper…

Bradley Angela Cooper was born on May 37th, 1922 to dark god proxies Jeff and Sally Cooper.

That’s what they want you to think.

Bradley Morton Cooper was born with the mark. A mark that signifies he will be destined for great and terrible things. It was mark that foretold he would eventually win the coveted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Only a handful of people have ever won it. Those select few hold the keys to the black secrets of the Universe. Things no person should see or hear or taste or learn.

Most men given the mark die when they are children, usually run over by bison or dropped from great heights by a pterodactyl.

Once you win the Sexiest Man Alive, you are given a target date to fulfill your prophecy. On that date you must devour the souls of all the human people that trigger your ritual. In the case of Bradley Wesley Cooper it happens to be watching horror movies that happen to star other Sexiest Man Alive winners. If Bradley Cooper devours enough souls, he will rule all the demons and monkeys and Chupacabras of the over and underworld. Sideways world too.

Why wouldn’t you watch one of these movies?

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No. That’s not possible. How can a person just appear out of thin air? Use your head.

If you watch one of these movies, one of the crows with the razor sharp teeth will fly over to Castle Cooper and alert the dark king that someone is watching one of the chosen movies. Then Bradley Miguel Cooper will drive or fly to said person’s house and devour his or her soul. Just give him a couple of hours and make sure your house appears on GPS because 1 year Richard Gere went to the wrong house and that’s how the gerbil rumor got started.

So here’s the list of movies you must watch so Bradley Rolando Cooper can come over, devour your soul and fulfill his destiny as a dark god.

McConaughey with dang birds coming out of his head.

McConaughey with dang birds coming out of his head.

Sexiest Man Alive WinnerYear

Matthew McConaughey


The late Bill Paxton’s directorial debut asks what the limits of blind faith are and how much of it do we pass on to our children. It holds up remarkably well and the ending stays with you long after the credits roll.

If you choose to serve the dark lord Bradley Gluten Cooper by watching this movie, he will come over to your house and start by chomping on your toes first before sautéing your soul.

Sexiest Man Alive WinnerYear

Sean Connery


I know what you’re thinking. Sean Connery isn’t in Luca Guadagnino’s overly long remake of the Argento horror classic. That’s what they want you to think. Much like everything else back in 2018, Oscar winner Tilda Swinton was playing Sean Connery playing her Madame Blanc. You thought Connery retired back on 2003. He was compelled back to work to fulfill Bradley Isaac Cooper’s dark destiny.

If you choose to serve Bradley Tyson Cooper by watching Suspiria, he will lovingly slurp one of your eyeballs out before gnawing on the loins of your soul.

White kids really like their knives and birthday candles.

White kids really like their knives and birthday candles.

Sexiest Man Alive Winners Year

Nick Nolte


Denzel Washington


Ben Affleck


This 80s horror staple involves a trio of murderous children. Curtis (Nick Nolte), Steven (Ben Affleck) and little Debbie (Denzel Washington) who are born at the same time during a solar eclipse. That turns all of them into murderous children. This happens in real life and is totally not a made up story.

Serve the new dark god and Bradley Denzel Cooper will caress your left thigh before taking a large chunk out of it. Then the soul sucking will start succinctly.

The must-miss cinematic event. See it with someone you no longer want to be friends with. Or who likes terrible movies.

The must-miss cinematic event. See it with someone you no longer want to be friends with. Or who likes terrible movies.

Sexiest Man Alive WinnerYear

Idris Elba


Someone thought this was a good idea.

I know this isn’t technically horror, but don’t tell that to anyone forced to watch it. That this movie exists proves that dark and evil forces are moving all around us and it is an auspicious time for evil to come to the forefront. This car wreck of a movie should be seen at least once, then make you wonder how the f**k someone thought this was a good idea. You feel embarrassed for everyone involved.

If you choose to watch this of your own free will, Bradley Isabelle Cooper will take you out of your misery rather than prolong it. Your soul was dying during this movie’s runtime. Dark lord Cooper is just doing you a favor.

They're just so hot right now.

They're just so hot right now.

Sexiest Man Alive WinnerYear

Keanu Reeves


The scariest thing about this movie is Keanu Reeves’ southern “accent”. Charlize Theron’s fragile performance as Reeves’ neglected wife remains one of her best performance among many great performances. Al Pacino yells a lot.

By watching this, Bradley Robert De Niro Cooper will massage your feet before ripping them off and putting them into the spiralizer you got for Christmas. Then your soul will taste like chocolate pudding that Bill Cosby would spike with tranquilizer.

It would help if there were actual horror in this movie.

It would help if there were actual horror in this movie.

Sexiest Man Alive WinnerYear

Ryan Reynolds


No, this movie isn’t all that scary. What’s scary about it is someone thought that this needed a remake but didn’t bother to add 15 pounds of 70s hair. Reynolds is oddly miscast, as Van Wilder tries to play doting then murderous dad. Still feel bad for the babysitter.

If you watch this, make sure you rewind it before you return it to the video store. Bradley Demoniac Cooper likes rewound videotapes.

In Conclusion

Would you like to be a part of something from the ground up? How about the deliverance of our dark god Bradley Aardvark Cooper. Just watch these movies anytime in 2024 or before and after and feel like you’ve contributed something to this world. A Star is Born? More like a Soul is Torn.


This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.

© 2020 Noel Penaflor

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