I've Been A Film Enthusiast as Long as I can remember. I Suffer from the Same Disease Leonard did in Memento.
A, E, I, O, U
After years, decades and even centuries of people asking me to make a list of horror movies with 4 out of the 5 vowels in its title (including ‘Y’), I’ve finally decided to capitulate. If you’ll permit me, I’ll tell you the reason why. Forgive me if it takes a while to get the ball rolling. It’s very h-h-h-hard for me to share this with you good people. I’ve suppressed this terrible memory for years, and thanks to your loving kindness and donations of kombucha I’m finally able to write this list.
This is a breakthrough of epic proportions.
Speaking of mom’s funeral…
There’s no other way I can tell you this other than to say it straight. Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
When I was a child, a pack of vowels murdered my parents right in front of me. There. I said it.
I was a little boy on a lovely Spring evening in December. My parents Thomas and Martha and I were watching a play or an opera in a local auditorium. I was terrified of some of the bat imagery. It frightened me to my little boy core. My father saw my consternation and suggested we leave through the back.
We took an exit which led us into an alleyway.
My parents were rich and it showed. We hoped it would be a short walk before we could get transportation back to the family mansion.
Then a pack of vowels rolled up on me and my parents. They were an ‘A’, an ‘E’, an ‘O’ and a ‘U’.
I don’t know. But A pulled a gun on us while O demanded my dad’s watch, cowboy hat and parachute he always brings to the opera. Meanwhile E began ripping the fur coat off my mother while U just stood there and watched.
After mom and dad gave them all the money and furs and iPads and Pez dispensers they had on their person, we thought we’d be free. Robbed but alive.
U pulled out a gun and murdered my parents right in front of me.
I was left in the care of my butler Alfred. I swore revenge against all the vowels in the world except ‘I’. Since then I’ve been hunting them down one by one. I’ve found the last vowel I have to kill. The letter ‘E’. It has been very E-lusive. Until now.
I thought I’d write this list before I took care of the final vowel. Hopefully you’ll never have your parents murdered right in front of you by a pack of homicidal vowels. Every time I watch Wheel of Fortune and someone asks “Pat, I’d like to buy a vowel,” I reply to the TV, “Pat, I’d like to kill a vowel!”
Hopefully this list will help you not go through what I did. A lifetime of vengeance against vowels does not leave you victorious.
The hurt is still there.
It’s still there.
A, E, I, O
This kooky romantic, um, romantik comedy has all of the elements of your typical rom-com. Boy meets corpse. Boy brings corpse for him and wife to share. Wife prefers corpse over boy.
If it weren’t German, you’d swear Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan starred in this sometime in the 90s.
Fun Fact- Leonardo DiCaprio rented this on VHS when he was a teenager and only returned it when Brad Pitt saw the tape in his trailer on the set of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. They returned it together. Leo owed $21.67 in late fees.
A, E, I, O, U
This jaunty remake of Vincent Price original contains all 5 vowels. Amazing, I know. I still hold a soft spot for this remake and every time I get a letter inviting me to a haunted house to enact some supernatural revenge plot, I think of this movie. I also think this is the last thing I’ve ever seen Chris Kattan in. Really.
Fun Fact- Geoffrey Rush still has no idea he is in this movie.
A, E, I, O, U
I know, this is technically a TV series, but I also contains all 5 commonly used vowels so I couldn’t not put this on the list.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. One of them is House on Haunted Hill and the other is The Haunting of Hill House. You just see what you want to see.
I saw this series back in 2018 and found it mostly confusing. Then I saw the episodes in the correct order and thought it was brilliant.
Fun Fact- All the ghosts on this show were hired locally and wore all their own clothing. They also scared a crew member to death. But it was a PA so no one cared and they just replaced him with a Roomba.
A, E, I, O, U, and Y
Tom Cruise stars in this horror classic which also has the distinction of containing all 5 vowels including ‘Y’. I remember this in theaters back in ’96 and seeing about a quarter of the people walk out as they couldn’t take the terror. Also, there was a bomb scare.
Fun Fact- In order to make it more palatable to American audiences, writer/director Cameron Crowe changed the line “Show me the entrails!” to “Show me the money!”. Tom Cruise still cringes whenever he sees it on Tv.
Fun Fact 2- Little Jonathan Lipnicki would grow up to be a famous vowel hunter.
A, E, I, O
I’ve never seen this movie because my mother was a woman and she was wearing black when those vowels brutally killed her. I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried. But the pain just washes over me. I also can’t watch the movie The Billionaire in the Tuxedo because it reminds me of my father in the same way. Maybe if you hold my hand.
Fun Fact- There are no black people in this movie
A, E, I, O
Based on the incredible true story of the guy who wore that really red jacket. My favorite werewolf movie containing both “werewolf” and “London” in the title. The last movie my parents saw before the vowels killed them. I feel most sad because my mother said, “I hope this isn’t the last movie we see before we die”. Then they both laughed. I don’t think they’re laughing now. Because they’re dead.
I hope U had a good time helping me get through my unresolved issues. I hope you never become trapped in an alley with a bunch of vowels. It won’t end well.