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5 of George Washington’s Least Favorite Horror Movies!

I've been a movie enthusiast my whole life and been writing movie reviews for over 156 years.


Fun facts about our 1st President George Washington I looked up about 5 minutes before beginning this list.

  • George Washington was only 11 years old when he was first willed a set of 10 slaves! When he got married to Martha Custis in 1759 he bought 8 more!

Wasn’t as fun as I thought, considering it’s about slavery. Not cool, George.

  • George Washington was really into animals!

The !’s are there to make the facts more festive and fun, except when it’s about slavery. But the animal part is on the on the level because Washington was the world’s first mule breeder.

I meant; Washington was the world’s first mule breeder! He also bred birds and dogs! That’s a lot better than slavery!

  • Washington’s first love was a woman named Sally Fairfax! She was married to one of his best friends! That’s kind of f*cked up but it’s still better than slavery!
  • For breakfast, Washington loved to eat hoe cakes (a real thing, I promise) and syrup which led to his jacked-up teeth.

And in a completely natural and unforced segue into this list, George Washington also hated these 5 horror movies.

You wonder if Nic Cage will ever stop making bad movies.

You wonder if Nic Cage will ever stop making bad movies.

1) Willy’s Wonderland

Academy Award Winner Nicolas Cage’s silent performance in this Five Nights At Freddy’s rehash drew George Washington’s ire because he used to have nightmares about working at a pizza places and then getting accidentally locked in and then the animatronic puppets would come to life, not to kill him, but to make fun of his dental hygiene. Washington doesn’t like Willy's Wonderland because it’s absurd and not scary in the least, unless you consider the fact that Nic Cage actually got paid (a whopping 2 to 3 figures) to be in this. At least he made up for it in Pig.

George Washington Quote:

“I’m really into animals, and I think animatronic dolls coming to life to terrorize people might make a fun horror movie, but this isn’t it. When I was President, I would have paid Nic Cage NOT to make most of the “movies” in his filmography from 2010 on, Mandy and Joe notwithstanding.”


2) House of Wax (2005)

George Washington doesn’t necessarily hate the movie itself, but what it reminds him of. What is it, you ask? Sometime in 2003, Washington was staying at the Waldorf Astoria Beverly Hills for the weekend. He had just gotten a massage and went into an elevator to return to his Presidential Suite. As you know, Waldorf Astoria falls under the umbrella of Hilton Family hotels. Who walks in right after Washington enters the elevator? That’s right. Paris Hilton. Washington was about to press the button for his floor when Paris cut him off. Washington asked Paris Hilton to please press the button for the top floor. She ignored him. He was about to press it himself when she thew a lit cigarette on him and set him on fire, thus ruining the 90-minute massage he just had. $840 dollars a night just to be set on fire from a lit Paris Hilton cigarette. Didn’t she know he was the first President?

Anyway, Washington doesn’t really hate the movie, he just hates that Paris Hilton is in it, though he does like the part (spoiler from 2005) when she gets killed.

George Washington Quote:

“I had a great 90-minute massage from Braden, but Paris Hilton throwing a lit cigarette at me and setting me on fire totally ruined it. I almost walked out of House of Wax when I saw Paris Hilton was in it, but I do like the part when she got killed.”


3) From Justin To Kelly (2003)

When he was only 22, George Washington led a catastrophic military skirmish which eventually escalated into the Seven Years’ War. This is nothing compared to the horror he witnessed when he sat in an empty theater to watch this “musical” during the summer of 2003. If you’ve seen it, you know the shock and terror that George Washington experienced. Washington thought the French and Indian War was difficult…

George Washington Quote:

“I’ve seen countless men die in battle. Paris Hilton set me on fire with a lit cigarette one time in an elevator. I’ll tell you about it some time. But nothing can compare to the revulsion I experienced when watching From Justin To Kelly. I’ve asked myself, “Would give up the time I was President to somehow unsee From Justin To Kelly?” The answer is, I don’t know. And I hope you never have to make that choice. Not even hoe cakes made me feel better afterwards.”


4) Old (2021)

Blocky exposition. Terrible wooden dialogue. 20 unnecessary minutes added to the ending. It’s almost like M. Night Shyamalan has a 7th sense of how to make a bad movie even more unbearable. But at least there’s Mid-Sized Sedan. Like a good many of the people stuck on the island in Old, George Washington wanted to leave the theater before he had to listen to one more hackneyed line reading that made him feel old…in his heart, and this is coming from a man born in 1732.

George Washington Quote:

“I don’t know if you heard about the time Paris Hilton threw a lit cigarette at me and set me on fire. I’ll tell you about it sometime. But being set on fire by Paris Hilton felt better than sitting through this.”


5) Fallen (1998)

George Washington had been looking forward to seeing this because director Gregory Hoblit’s previous movie Primal Fear has his favorite Edward Norton performance. Also, George wanted to see one of his favorite nephews Denzel Washington on the big screen as they had Thanksgiving dinner the previous November and Denzel told George all about his new movie. But when George saw the movie, he was liking it until the wildly implausible ending occurred. Keep in mind, this is a movie in which a demon hops around from person to person. But the movie never answers the question, “Why does ____ have ____ voice when ____ is inside a ____ at the end?? Riddle us that.

George Washington Quote:

“My nephew Denzel asked me how I liked it after the movie opened. I lied and told him I loved it, but I felt really about it. Not even 2 hoe cakes after dinner assuaged my guilt. I was finally able to tell him the truth in 2002 when he asked me how I liked John Q and I told him I hated it. We hugged and shared some hoe cakes.”


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