I've been a movie enthusiast my whole life and been writing movie reviews for over 156 years.
There are countless articles comparing and contrasting the continually expanding selection of streaming services to choose from. By the time I finish this sentence 3 more streaming services will have dropped.
One dedicated to shining your shoes (The Shoebox, $7 a month or $400 a year)
Another is just a black screen with faint humming (BlackScreen Plus, $6 a month with ads, $45 a month ad free, but if you donate one or two of your kidneys you get a month free).
Yet another streaming service is just playing nonstop commercials for other streaming services (Streaming +, it’s free but they extract a pint of blood from you ever other day).
With so many choices, what’s a discerning cordcuttter like yourself to do?
This article is here to help.
I’m not here to talk down to you. You know what you want.
Reasonable prices. A vast selection based on what you want to see when you want to see it. The highest resolution possible if that’s what you’re into. An interface that’s as user friendly as possible.
Also you, the discerning streamer, will want to know which eldritch demon entity inhabits your particular streaming service and if that will have any negative effect on your viewing habits, such as possible blindness or even getting mauled by a goat griffin hybrid that erupts from your screen every time the sky rains blood or it's Super Bowl Sunday.
What happened to him?
And that’s why if you’re thinking about cutting the cord, read this article and make sure you’re not cutting the cord…to your soul.
I can’t possibly go over all the streaming services available as well as their demons, but here are the most popular/deadly.
Arguably the most popular streaming service around. If this is the only one you purchase and you’re not too picky about what you watch, you’ll be satisfied with this streaming behemoth for years.
With your monthly fee, your home viewing system will also be a conduit for Adramelech, Great Chancellor of the underworld and President of the High Council of Devils. That seems like a lot on one demon’s plate.
As you know, Adramelech is a stickler for fashion as he oversees the king of demon’s wardrobe. He’s also been known to burn children on his personal altars. He has the face of a mule and sometimes a peacock, which is odd because you’d think he’d be on the Peacock streaming service.
So while you’re watching Stranger Things, keep an Adrame-look out for Adramelech.
2) Disney Plus
If you’re looking for quality programming that will keep your family entertained for hours, look no further than Disney Plus. Along with hits like The Mandalorian, the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe, you also get Paimon, one of the kings of Hell.
Yes, he was. He’s also in charge of about 200 legions of hell. That seems like a lot on one demon’s plate.
Paimon typically appears as a man with a woman’s face. He’s usually riding a dromedary and wearing a headdress made with precious stones. So if you see a demon with a woman’s face wearing a headdress made with precious stones but he’s NOT riding a dromedary, that is definitely not Paimon. If you invoke Paimon, you have to give him an offering, probably something like inviting him to see WandaVision with you or your child’s body as host. Whatever. Disney Plus is still less than $10 a month, so it seems worth it.
3) Apple Plus
You thought Apple Plus was just where you watched Ted Lasso over and over. It is, but it’s also where you will commune with Amy, a “great” president of Hell and commander of 36 legions, which is a lot less than Paimon’s 200 legions, in case you were wondering about legion envy.
You’ll also like that Amy also teaches astrology and liberal arts. Presumably at a junior college in Hell. President and teacher? That seems like a lot on one demon’s plate. He’s probably got more time because he’s only leading 36 legions.
4) Curiosity Stream
For those of you that love watching documentaries at an exceptionally low monthly price Curiosity Stream is the service for you. For only $20 a year you get to stream an extensive collection of documentaries as well as be conjoined with Camio, high president of Hell and commander of 30 legions.
Wait. There’s another “president” of Hell? I think this is a title they just give you when you get to Hell. Possibly you get to be “president” when you subscribe to one of these services.
Camio appears as a blackbird. He also wears a headdress adorned with a peacock tail or appears as a man carrying a tapering sword, whatever that is. That is a lot going on, maybe Cam should stay in one lane then maybe he would get to lead more than 30 legions like Paimon and Amy. He’s also known as the wisest occupant of Hell and can run mind game circles around any other scholar which is probably why he likes Curiosity Stream. Also, he sung the 80s R and B hit “Word Up”
5) The Criterion Channel
Do you like classic movies from nearly every era of cinema? From art house to French New Wave. From Kubrick to Kurosawa to David Lynch. If you’re a connoisseur of film, then you’re going to want this as soon as possible.
You’re also going to want to learn some French, because you’ll be meeting the demon Leonard AKA Le Grande Negre AKA The Black Man.
From his Tinder profile- “From the waist up, Leonard has a goat’s body with 3 horns on his head, a goat’s beard, hair-like bristles, 2 ears like foxes, and inflamed eyes.” When he feels like it, Leonard can take the form of a bloodhound, a black bird, a beef, or a tree trunk with a gloomy face
Leonard is not a president of Hell and commands no legions. What is Leonard doing with his demon life? On his weekends, he’s the grandmaster of the o*gies of the demons. A good hobby to have along with watching classic movies.
I hope this helps you to decide which streaming service you want to use. Choosing which service you want to stream makes you take in many different factors. You also choose the eldritch demon that goes along with it.
Happy Streaming and Hail Paimon!