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5 Nic Cage Movies Starring Nic Cage That Nic Cage Doesn't Know Nic Cage Is in #niccage

My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .

Robin Tunney is growing out of Nic Cage's ear.

Robin Tunney is growing out of Nic Cage's ear.

By the time you’ve clicked and finished reading this sentence, Nicolas Cage (Willy's Wonderland) will have wrapped three movies and is now halfway through principal photography on the fourth.

Search your heart, search your soul, search any random suggestion on Netflix. You know this to be true.

Like you, I’ve been kept up nights wandering the street just thinking about the dozens of Nic Cage films that will never be seen, never be considered.

Never be loved.

We’ve strolled the aisles at Best Buy and looked at these titles, thought to ourselves, “Man, Nicolas Cage has fallen onto some hard times if he’s making dreck like this.” We then go back and wonder how many inches of dust will be accumulated until the untouched DVDs and Blu-Rays are returned to the distributor where they can be back into the now overflowing “Unwatched Nicolas Cage” bin.

Nic Cage never phones it in. Except now. And every other movie.

Nic Cage never phones it in. Except now. And every other movie.

I’ve compiled a list of those films. I have walked past these titles, winced, wondering how much less in taxes Nic Cage has to pay because he paycheck-acted in yet another role. I wonder how lonely his Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas is, and if it’s ever going to see the light of day or if it’s already been sold on eBay to keep Cage’s electricity on.

I’ve never watched these movies.

I never will watch these movies.

If you have, you are a much braver soul than I am. Or you have a lot more time on your hands. Or you're dying a painful death and you think watching these movies will kill you quicker. Or you’re Nicolas Cage. Or you lost a bet. Or lost a bet double or nothing. Or your favorite pet just died and you’re staring blankly at the screen while Nic Cage yells or whispers something.

Either way, this intro has now been passed to Nic Cage’s agent and is now going into preproduction for Nic Cage to star in and be filmed in a matter of days and with a budget of high 3-figures.

On to the list…

Nic Cage

Nic Cage

What I Think This Movie is About Based on the Poster

  • It’s got Chad Michael Murray on it so I think it’s the most expensive thing the CW ever produced back in 2004.
  • Nic Cage is standing in the middle of a road while everybody else is standing behind him. Is that what’s meant by left behind?
  • The burning behind him is all the videotapes of Nic Cage’s good movies from the mid-90s and the late 80s. The tapes are making the (con) air toxic and Cage’s sideburns lengthen.
  • “The End Begins” tagline could mean what happened to Cage’s career circa 2012.
  • Chad Michael Murray’s jacket is way too long for him. Jordin Sparks’ scarf does look nice, though.

What This Movie’s About Based on a web Synopsis

Millions of people vanish and some folks are left behind. The world descends into chaos.

Why the eff are these people standing in the middle of the road?

Why the eff are these people standing in the middle of the road?

Why You’ll Never Watch it

No movie with that much smoke on the onesheet has ever been good for the audience. You see that Nic Cage is in front just begging for a car to hit him in the middle of that road. After the car hits Cage, the rest of the actors can jump in and watch a better movie.

Why You’ll Watch it

You’re hoping Jordin Sparks' character will say where she got that scarf. Sure it’s the end of the world, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look good. Also, you’re Chad Michael Murray’s mom or dad and you’re watching to see if he’s eating better than when he last came to visit.

Nic Cage

Nic Cage

What I Think This Movie is About Based on the Poster

  • The heroic rescue of that donkey from a very illegal, very your-Internet-search-is-flagged stage show playing four times a week along the Mexicali border. It’s very popular among college students on spring break. You think you’ve rescued the donkey from a lifetime of degradation, but now it’s in a Nic Cage movie.
  • Reason #457 Katy Perry is glad she and Russell Brand are divorced.
  • The “From the director of Borat” tag makes me think it’s the same joke over and over like it’s 2006.

What it’s Really About

From my Internet search I learned this movie got a very limited release in Singapore. Prints of this movie were a very willing drug mule for some Singaporean cartel.

Thinking he’s been visited by God, a construction worker (Cage) goes to Pakistan to find Osama Bin Laden.

We feel bad for the donkey.

We feel bad for the donkey.

Why You’ll Never Watch it

Zero Dark Thirty has Jessica Chastain and Chris Pratt, thank you. Plus, you don’t know where that donkey’s been.

Why You’ll Watch it

Your computer is corrupted because of the combination of “Donkey”, “Show”, and “Mexican” in your Internet searches and you’ve stooped low enough to watch a Nic Cage movie (remember when they could actually be called “films”?).

Nic Cage

Nic Cage

What I Think This Movie is About Based on the Poster

  • It’s written and directed by Paul Schrader, so it has a snowball's Cage in hell of being arthouse good. And then I see guys with guns running after Cage and think “Not Cage. Shoot ME!”.
  • Whoever made this onesheet has a fetish for gray backgrounds.
  • Cage has gone crazy because in one part he has his tie on and when he’s evading the guys with guns, he’s not wearing a tie. He means business.
  • In case you didn’t know, the onesheet tells you that the CIA is part of the United States. This also indicates the intelligence level of the target audience.

What it’s Really About

A CIA agent finds out he’s dying (of the light?) and spends his last days hunting for the one girl, um, terrorist that got away.

He's running for the light...

He's running for the light...

Why You’ll Never Watch it

Dying of the Light makes you think it’s one of those movies where a grandfather is dying and he wants to impart some wisdom to his grandson before he dies but grandson is reluctant but then he tells grandson about how he met his grandmother and then reveals to grandson that’s he’s really gay then tells grandson to go for what he wants with his dying breath. Grandson isn’t sure if dead grandpa was trying to say he should be gay because that part was kind of muddled. Plus, the image of Cage looks the same as the one in Left Behind, except a little less hunched.

Why You’ll Watch it

You find out you’re dying and you want to hunt down a terrorist and you want to see how Nic Cage does it.

Nic Cage

Nic Cage

What I Think This Movie is About Based on the Poster

  • Nic Cage just bought a new flashlight and all it does is show dead people.
  • In case you didn’t know what the title of the movie was, Banksy was kind enough to tag it for you.
  • Someone taped Nic Cage’s head on a rando’s body for the onesheet because Nic Cage would NEVER hold a flashlight like that.
  • Is that fire on the bottom corner the same fire from Left Behind?

What it’s Really About

Cage hysterically searches for his missing son who was abducted at a Halloween carnival.

The ghost should pay you to see this movie.

The ghost should pay you to see this movie.

Why You’ll Never Watch it

That plot reads like it was written by the same people that did the graffiti on the onesheet and you can only pay in Bitcoin.

Why You’ll Watch it

You’re an aspiring kidnapper and Halloween’s coming up. You know that no one would willingly watch this so you’re getting tips on how to abduct kids at the carnival.

Nic Cage

Nic Cage

What I Think This Movie is About Based on the Poster

  • The lady with the knife will try to carve an actual facial expression on the faces of Gina Gershon and Nicolas Cage.
  • Faye Dunaway is so ashamed to be in this movie she done-away disappeared.

What it’s Really About

Woman moves into new town to leave abusive past behind. New neighbors get suspicious, probably because she’s always carrying a knife around while wearing a red dress.

Don't trust the woman holding the knife.

Don't trust the woman holding the knife.

Why You’ll Never Watch it

You’re over the age of 14.

Why You’ll Watch it

You are dying (of the light?) to know what happened to Gina Gershon and Nicolas Cage’s torso. You’re a Gina Gershon fan and you hope this is a step up from Showgirls.

Chances Nic Cage actually read this script before signing on: inconceivable.

That’s it for now. Feel free to leave 45 of your favorite unwatchable Nic Cage movies in the comments.

Be sure to vote.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2019 Noel Penaflor

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