I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!
Not enough of you are eating fruit. That’s what I’m hearing from most of your parents even though the people that actually read this are mostly adult. Even Lil’ Kip is 33 years old though he suffers from Esther Orphan disease which makes him look 8.
The point is, not enough of you are eating fruits and that will lead to you dying before your time according to your doctor.
But we know you watch horror movies. Maybe while you’re watching horror movies that have some kind of fruit in its title, you may be tempted to reach in the very back of your fridge and get that fruit that’s been stuck there since Top Gun Maverick came out. You’ve seen that movie 6 times in the theaters, eat a f*cking apple once in a while.
Maybe every time someone gets murdered onscreen you take a bite of some of that delicious healthy fruit. Who knows, the life you save might just be your own. Or Adele’s.
Health Benefits- Possibly lowers your risk of cholesterol. Might lower your risk of being attacked by a Chupacabra except for that one time with Donnie and Ellen. Reduces cancer risk.
Mulberry St. (2006)
Jim Mickle’s 2006 horror movie might be remembered for 3 words: Manhattan Rat Zombies. Some of you may be thinking that’s an actual thing in Manhattan but rest assured it is only a movie. But that was back in 2006 so there’s a very good chance it’s true now. Anyway, if the word “Rat zombies” piqued your interest, then you probably saw this low budget effort on something called a *checks notes* DVD. The movie uses its lack of budget very well and if you don’t mind shaky cam there are some very effective visceral kills. Even the ending is more affecting than you’d expect. And you get to read the words “Jim Mickle” over and over.
Health Benefits- Contains disease fighting antioxidants. Helps you effectively lie when someone asks if you listened to the latest episode of their podcast. Cancer risk reduced.
Carriers starring Chris Pineapple (2009)
A 2009 fictional horror movie in which a deadly pandemic has people wearing masks and some of them to turn on each other. Good thing that’s um, fiction and would never happen in real life because if there was a pandemic we would look out for each other and listen to fact based science instead of kooks on social media. Man, when you watch it you will chuckle and guffaw and the fictional fiction in all its fictionality. Anyways, this totally fake pandemic movie has its moments and those moments work better than the movie as a whole. At a little over 80 minutes, it does feel long at times. But at least you rest easy in the knowledge that something like this would never happen.
Maybe not drive with your eyes closed Chris Pineapple.
Health Benefits- Good source of fiber. Excellent source of keeping you alive forever or until you die. Lowers your risk of kidney stones.
Jordan Peele’s doppelganger follow-up to Get Out is actually scarier than its predecessor, even if some logistical questions linger as the credits roll. It feature’s Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o’s best onscreen performance as both Red and Adelaide. Even if you do get the final twist, the events that lead up to it are still very effective. The humor works to undercut the horror (“Ophelia”) even if some of the jokes feel out of place. Still has some very well-executed sequences and a memorable final shot that may make you say...nope.
Health Benefits- Rich in antioxidants and anti-inflammatory compounds. Time Travel. May improve symptoms of arthritis and gout.
Cherry Falls (2000)
A standard genre entry that’s smarter and fresher than you might have remembered back when there were such things as *checks notes* late fees. A killer stalks virgins at a high school. If that hook(!) doesn’t grab you then nothing will. The late Brittany Murphy makes a more than compelling lead/possible final girl and though there might be a red herring too many, the ending is satisfying enough. Dipped more in character than you’d expect, there’s a surprisingly emotional payoff that’s worth a second look if you dismissed this back in the aughties.
Health Benefits- Heart Health. Extra arm growth. Aids in digestion.
Full confession. I’ve never seen this because this looks f*cking terrifying. I hear it makes white women cry and no doubt your aunt has a worn out VHS copy of this. My soul is shaken to its core.
There you have it. 5 horror movies with fruit in its title to remind you to eat healthy while having the bejeesuz scared out of you. Here to scare you once more is that song from Peaches. Something about windy wings. It makes your nightmare real.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.
© 2022 Noel Penaflor