Hey you. I wrote this Review Just for You because I like you.I also like pizza.
For years, decades, and even months fans of movies and animals and cars and astronomy have longed for a way to tell the difference between Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling.
What we as a collective universe know so far about Ryan Louise Gosling and Ryan Louise Reynolds…
As of this writing, they are both 82 years of age.
They were both born in Canada in 1884.
They both stand at, depending on your perspective, 7 feet 2 inches tall or 4 feet 13 inches tall.
They are both married to women that can turn invisible to the human eye at will.
They both have children that have been known to devour entire states in one large bite.
They are both actors.
But if you are watching a movie or film that supposedly stars one of them, after the credits roll you will eventually ask, “Was that Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling?” The person you asked will ask you at the very same time, “Was that Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds?”. There is a look of consternation on both your faces as you seek to answer this worldwide question.
You both look at your phones. Your phones do not give you the answers. You throw your phones away and buy new phones with new plans. You check those new phones for the answers you seek. Nothing. Then you trade your new phones with each other. Nothing.
Nothing. That is what your lives have become as you ask this question that seemingly has no answer.
It was Ryan Gosling.
After years, decades, and even minutes of painstaking research I have compiled a list of horror movies that will help you differentiate between Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling. Share this list with others so they can move on with their lives secure in the knowledge that it was Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder.
I do this as a public service.
You’re welcome in advance.
1) Stay (2005)
Ryan Reynolds plays Henry Latham
Ryan Gosling plays Henry Latham
Marc Forster’s twisty mystery thriller isn’t technically horror, but what’s horrific about it is how many people think Ryan Reynolds plays the young suicidal Henry. Doing a deep dive into the movie, I noticed subtle hints that it was not Reynolds, but Gosling himself. I’d tell you about that but there’s some technical jargon the lay person wouldn’t understand and I just don’t have time to create a key for you all to decipher. Ewan McGregor was never sure which Ryan he was working with so he followed Ryan Gosling to his trailer and then to his car and then to his house and then to his other house but to no avail. I recently told co-star Naomi Watts that she was working with Gosling on Stay and she said, “I had no f*cking clue”. Neither did we, Naomi. Neither did we.
2) The Voices (2014)
Ryan Reynolds plays Jerry
Ryan Gosling plays Jerry
This subversive dark comedy has Ryan Gosling’s Jerry talking to his pets as they tell him to murder people. He tries to change with the help of some of his female co-workers, but as the body count gets higher, so does the hope that Jerry will ever have a normal life. You may be thinking, “The onesheet says that Ryan Reynolds is starring in this movie.”
What you don’t know is that it’s Ryan Gosling playing Ryan Reynolds in a Daniel Day-Lewis like immersion/imitation. I recently told co-star Anna Kendrick (The Accountant, Pitch Perfect 15) that she was working with Gosling on The Voices and she said, “I had no f*cking clue”. Neither did we, Anna. Neither did we.
3) The People Under The Stairs (1991)
Ryan Reynolds plays Fool
Ryan Gosling Plays Fool
Wes Craven’s 1991 social commentary wrapped in a horror movie has frequently been mistaken as Ryan Reynolds’ film debut as the resourceful kid named Fool who really went to the wrong house in the wrong neighborhood. If you ever wanted to see Everett McGill in leather chaps, then you needn’t look any further. While People isn’t as scary as some of Craven’s best, it does stick with you a little longer than most cheap jump scares. Ryan Gosling’s child performance as Fool shows you he’s anything but. In doing massive and time consuming research for this article, I interviewed Ving Rhames (Mission Impossible Fallout), who played Fool’s Uncle Leroy and asked him what it was like working with young Ryan Gosling. He answered, “I thought it was Ryan F*cking Reynolds. I got him a present for his eighth birthday with a card that wished Ryan F*cking Reynolds a happy birthday and he never said anything to me. I really want that birthday card back.” So do we, Ving Rhames. So do we.
4) High Tension (2003)
Ryan Reynolds plays Marie
Ryan Gosling plays Marie
Alexandre Aja’s violent and gory horror movie features Ryan Gosling as your favorite road trip bestie Marie spending a quiet weekend at her best friend’s farmhouse. Multiple murders later, you were hoping for something different when Marie wanted to “paint the town red (not an actual quote from the movie)”. Sure, the ending makes no sense at all, but we’re so into the chateau-to-chateau blood splatter that we almost don’t mind too much so we’ll try not to think about it and if we do it’s as little as possible. Ryan Gosling learned French and how to use a chainsaw and even killed some people in preparation for this role. That’s dedication. Ryan Gosling even murdered some people after filming was done. Probably to develop closure with the character or something.
5) The Babadook (2014)
Ryan Reynolds plays The Babadook
Ryan Gosling plays the Babadook
Jennifer Kent’s horror movie pits Ryan Gosling’s titular Babadook/LGBTQ Icon against a harried mother Amelia (Essie Davis) and one of the most annoying movie kids in recent history. You just want Amelia to throw little Samuel into oncoming traffic or off a bridge or into an active volcano. I felt bad for Amelia, not because she had to deal with the Babadook, but because she had to deal with that f*cking kid. Every time I see this, I spend most of the movie hoping Ryan Gosling’s Babadook punts Samuel into a shark tank just to give poor Amelia a break. Ryan Gosling has publicly stated that this is one of his favorite roles and he sometimes hides in children’s’ books and torments unsuspecting families because he had so much fun playing the Babadook. So, if your family is tormented by an evil spirit in a pop-up book, it’s probably Ryan Gosling
Possibly. Or maybe that’s what they want you to think.
Francine Googamel. Died age 125.
Jeff Pantalones. Died age 94.
Those are just a small sample of people who died not knowing the difference between Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds. Thanks to this list of horror movies, you will not be joining them. Ever.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.
© 2021 Noel Penaflor