I Wrote my First Movie Review While Giving Birth to a Camera. It has followed me ever since. Please don't mind the Mess.
After almost 3 decades (including the months delay because of the pandemic), Nia DaCosta’s reboot-quel of the 90s horror classic Candyman finally makes its way into theaters. But what happens after you finally see Candyman after waiting so long for it to arrive?
Don’t do that just yet. Because if you like Candyman, perhaps you might like these other horror movies. Horror movies that have either ‘Candy’ or ‘Man’ in the title. Then you are free to let yourself waste away into nothingness, drift into the echoes, where no one will remember your name except in a whispered silence.
You’ve waited years for a new Candyman, now you can wait the scroll of a (Elliot) page for these 5 horror films.
You don’t have to go to Cabrini Green to see these movies, because I know that scares white people.
I know. You say that every time.
1) Mandy (2018)
Candy Or Man
Panos Cosmatos’ fever dream revenge thriller/horror movie stars Nicolas Cage in a Nicolas Cage movie in which he plays bent Nicolas Cage on the hunt for the cult who killed his wife. (spoiler) This allowed Nic Cage (I know his character has an actual name, but every Nic Cage movie from 2000 on just has Nic Cage in full Nic Cage mode because that’s all he does) to find his true love, a chainsaw that’s also named Mandy. As brutal as it is purple-hued, Mandy is a movie you don’t soon forget, vicious snowflake or not.
2) The Haunted Mansion (2003)
Candy Or Man
In this terrifying haunted house movie, Eddie Murphy plays a realtor from Cabrini Green trying to get some white people to move in after the Candyman killings. Except he’s summoned to a house from which he and his family may never escape. He may discover before it’s too late that this mansion…is haunted. If you saw this in theaters you might have felt you could never escape.
Is it? I’ve never actually seen it.
I just don’t remember because it was so terrible.
That’s right. Eddie Murphy continually has that pained look on his face, like he knows he’s just doing it for the Disney cash. Terence Stamp has no recollection of ever doing this. Jennifer Tilly put a down payment on a house by playing a floating head in this garbage, so it’s not all bad.
They would have called the cops on Candyman as soon as he set foot on Cabrini White.
3) The Devil’s Candy (2015)
Candy Or Man
White people move into a house at well below cost because the property itself has a checkered and possibly murderous past. What could possibly go wrong except for everything? A struggling painter/wannabe rocker (Ethan Embry) finds his work getting way more Satanic than is comfortable in Sean Byrne’s ambitious but inconsistent misfire. The film is all over that place and struggles to find a consistent tone. Not to mention you can see everything that will take place 20 minutes before the clueless characters do. With lowered expectations, you might enjoy taking a bite out of this candy. But the devil himself might give this one a pass.
4) Hard Candy (2005)
Candy or Man
Not really a horror movie, though there are horrific scenes. David Slade’s (future director of a Twilight movie, so there’s a step down) tense two-hander between Elliot Page and Patrick Wilson makes you glad you’re not a pedophile (sorry Father Flanagan). Featuring some powerful scenes you feel but you don’t really see (the “castration” sequence is a mini-masterclass in editing) you might want to wait until you’re of age before you try to lick to the chewy center. Elliot Page’s best performance never made me so afraid of a tiny Canadian. Patrick Wilson’s possible pedo is ambiguity stretched thin. It feels like Jeff deserves what he’s getting, but you’re never really sure. Hayley’s final line (“Or not”) is a killer.
5) Maid in Manhattan (2002)
Candy or Man
Like I’m Going to say it 5 times. What am I? A dumb character in a horror movie?
Truly terrifying. Your divorced aunt’s favorite movie. You’ve heard the urban legend but you weren’t sure it ever existed and you were too afraid to look it up. But when faced with actually watching it, you declined. Because your sanity is not worth the sacrifice.
Ralph Fiennes has stated he regrets making this movie. We regret seeing this movie because we’d have to go to extremes to get it out of our heads. There’s the baby scene in A Serbian Film. Now multiply that by Maid In Manhattan’s running time. You know why Mademoiselle does what she does at the end of Martyrs? Maid in Manhattan is why. Be my victim indeed.
There you have it. 5 reasons to keep on going after you’ve seen the new Candyman. Hope these keep you, um, hooked.