I've been a movie enthusiast my whole life and been writing movie reviews for over 15 years.
I didn’t want to write this list. So many people have asked me to. I resisted. I relented. I believed people are smart, that they would take care of themselves and each other.
The fact that I’m writing this list today is testament to the fact that I am wrong.
Now, more than ever this list is necessary.
For too many bus drivers, plane pilots, bus pilots and plane drivers are watching horror movies while they’re doing their jobs transporting various souls from place to place. It’s not that they’re watching horror movies while operating commercial vehicles while transporting the public that’s the problem.
It’s that they’re watching the wrong f*cking ones.
Yes, but that’s for another time.
You are so naïve, but that’s to be forgiven because you’re simple.
Here it is, for the interest of public safety and the safety of the public, 4 horror movies not to watch while driving a bus or flying a commercial plane. Testimonials are totally true.
Jeff (Name Withheld for Privacy) Taylor-Brixton-Hawes
“I was a pilot for a major airline and I watching this while flying a plane with over 200 passengers. Anyway, I crashed. There was so much blood and airline peanuts. It was the movie’s fault and also I might have been drinking like Denzel Washington in Flight which is the movie that made me want to be a pilot.”
Ken Russell’s wacky and unsettling religious 70s horror movie has Oliver Reed looking like Javier Bardem’s uncle, Vanessa Redgrave as a very amorous hunchbacked nun and those are the more laid back parts of the movie. The final 20 minutes contain some of the more indelible images in horror movie history and probably would serve as a distraction to a pilot trying to steer a plane away from a mountain or a kaiju.
Jeff Brixton-Taylor-Hawes (name displayed for fun)
“I used to be a pilot and now I’m a bus driver and I was watching this while driving a bus from Istanbul to Milwaukee and you know that part on the dock with the ______ and then I crashed the bus and there was some people literally under the bus like that phrase “throw people under the bus” but this time I drove people under the bus.”
Ti West’s ode to 70s horror is simple, brutal and one of the best horror movies of 2022. A group of adult filmmakers go to Texas in the 70s to make an arty adult movie, but things don’t go their way to say the least. Not to spoil anything but people (spoiler) die and get killed and die some more. Fun for the entire family, but not while you’re driving a bus. An X-tra good time at the movies.
Frank “Helen” McAdams
“I was a pilot for Airplane Airlines back in 1998. This is one of my favorite vampire movies and I put it on while flying from Denver to Amsterdam. The passengers got so scared they jumped out of the plane and landed on a commercial cruise line. From what I heard that cruise line also showed The Night Flier and then passengers jumped off the ship and into the awaiting open maw of a shark. It’s not really my fault.”
From one of Stephen King’s short stories, this 90s vampire movie looks like it was made on a shoestring budget for a straight-to-to VHS release, but that only adds to its charm. Late great character actor Miguel Ferrer plays a d*ck tabloid journalist on the trail of what might be a vampire. It’s Stephen King so you can guess where this might go. Solid gore effects and a wonderful ending make this one of the better King adaptations. But no matter how much your passengers demand it because it’s almost impossible to find on a streaming service, don’t play this on a plane. Even if your plane has a working VCR.
- Bradley “Frank” Horchata
"I was a passenger on a bus in downtown Abbey. They put this scare-free creepypasta footage movie on and it was so boring I launched myself off the bus onto incoming traffic. I was okay until another bus hit me and now I’m dead.”
If a Billie Eilish lookalike Casey (Anna Cobb) talking to a webcam and making videos terrifies you then this is the horror movie for you. Not scary enough? Then what about a middle aged man looking at said Casey. The film uses the first Paranormal Activity as its baseline. If that 2007 movie actually scared you, then this might as well as apparently you scare really easily. A “horror” movie without any scares, but at least it’s barely 80 minutes long.
You might think watching a horror movie while driving a bus or flying a passenger plane would be safe and fun. These testimonials and these movies might give you pause. The life you save may be your own or someone else’s.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2022 Noel Penaflor