I've Been A Film Enthusiast as Long as I can remember. I Suffer from the Same Disease Leonard did in Memento.
In a hallowed hall in early November of the year of our Pants 2022, the good men, and women and womenmen of People Magazine voted to make Chris Evans (Captain America, Captain America 2, Captain America 3, Captain America 5, Avengers 1, Avengers 2, Avengers Infinity War, Avengers 12) the Sexiest Man Alive, wresting the coveted title from previous winders like Dak Roman, Chris Terwilliger, Paul Rudd, and Jeff Googamel. Their names will live forever in the Sexy Hall of Records, but for this year Chris “Dorothy” Evans holds that crown. Will he be a cruel master? Or a benign one? Only time will tell.
I have taken it upon myself to hopefully capitalize on the SEO exposure by writing 4 horror movies that Chris Evans finds sexy. Hopefully, these movies won’t be too terrifying for you.
Or too sexy.
1) Oculus (2013)
Mike Flanagan’s haunted mirror horror movie stars Karen Gillan (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2) and Brendon Thwaites (Pirates of the Caribbean 5) as siblings Kaylie and Tim. Tim has just gotten out of prison because he apparently killed someone when he was a kid and has done his time. It’s a pretty solid horror movie with enough gore and grime to satisfy the horror aficionados. You don’t mind if the ending is telegraphed because it’s still relatively effective. Flanagan teases out the suspense well enough that you’re rarely bored.
Let’s hear what Chris Evans has to say about Oculus.
Chris Evans Sexy Comment
"I find haunted mirrors sexy because I can look at myself. Does it matter that the mirror could be the cause of dozens if not millions of deaths? Not if it’s done in a sexy manner."
Just to clarify. It’s cool if people die, just as long as it’s done sexily.
2) The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
A pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth (Thor Love and Thunder, Thor Ragnarok, Thor Chlamydia) stars as college students who arrive at a cabin located somewhere in a forested area for a weekend of fun and frivolity. What they discover instead could change the course of history as we know it. This winky, knowing meta-comedy finds the perfect balance between horror and scares. From the Harbinger to the monster-palooza climax, this Cabin will leave you with more than splinters on your seat. And have you saying "Mer-man" for than you ever thought you would when you woke up that morning.
Chris Evans Sexy Commentary
"I find the woods sexy because I can break firewood with my bare hands just like I did in that Avengers movie that I starred in and was the sexiest part of. I like cabins because I can prepare my world famous potato salad with my shirt off. What happens if I get potato salad on my chest? I leave it there. Someone will eat it."
Just to clarify, Chris Evans’ potato salad is actually really good. I tried to ask for the recipe but you have to be a Sexiest Man Alive winner to receive it.
3) Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
You know how it goes. Venomous spiders get exposed to a chemical that makes them grow into an enormous size and wreak havoc all over a small town full of people who probably deserve to die because none of their citizens will win Sexiest Man Alive. Starring a very young Scarlett Johannson (The Prestige) and rapper Doug E. Doug (the ‘E’ Stands for Doug) along with David Arquette (Scream), Freaks is a fun and frothy monster movie that’s a lot scarier than one might think going in. You want giant spiders? You want giant spiders and dirt bikes? Now you can have them both.
Chris Evans Sexy Commentary
“I find giant spiders sexy because they are the secret ingredient in my award winning potato salad."
Just to clarify, that is a really good potato salad.
4) Gothika (2003)
A psychiatrist (Halle Berry) wakes up in an asylum with no recollection of how she got there or why she might be there in the first place. It’s a lurid nonsensical take on the Hitchcock Innocent Man (now Woman). It also stars Robert Downey Jr. (I think he played Iron Man in those Iron Man movies and in that one Spider-man movie) and Penelope Cruz elevating fun trash with a level of gravitas you don’t normally expect. The mystery makes no sense from the jump, but you don’t really care because you’re enjoying the ride. If you don’t mind the illogic, it’s very entertaining movie.
Chris Evans Sexy Commentary
"Just to clarify. If you slip on a floor that’s just been mopped, chances are it was mopped by Sexy Floors Linoleum Cleaner. It makes your floors sexy and dangerously slippery. I like the candy cane flavor."
Just to clarify. If you slip on a floor that’s just been mopped, chances are it was mopped by Sexy Floors Linoleum Cleaner. It makes your floors sexy and dangerously slippery. I like the candy cane flavor.
Chris Hemsworth. Karen Gillan. Scarlett Johannson. Robert Downey Jr. Did you put all these horror movies on this list because it stars someone from the MCU?
There you have it. 4 horror movies Chris Evans finds sexy. You no longer want or need anything else in your life. I thank you. Chris Evans thanks you from the bottom of his sexy heart. Now enjoy that potato salad.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.
© 2022 Noel Penaflor