In 2009 the world was gripped by an ancient Mayan prophecy - The end of the world. It was meant to be close too. Like, 3 years away close. So to celebrate our laughable gullibility Michael Bay made a film - 2012 in which the end of the world prophecy did come true, and the entire world was sort-of destroyed. In actual fact the world was completely eradicated of life, all except for John Cusack, some rich guys, and a scientist who hates everyone because they're all retarded.
But I'm not here to debate the end of the world - If you want to do that you can either a.) leave, or b.) carry on reading, you might actually enjoy yourself.
Shopping in style
Okay, so John Cusack's arch enemy and his crazy wife are in the supermarket when - oh no! the entire floor pulls them away from each other! There was a big death eating super earthquake and it just so happened to go right in between them, leaving them both somewhat unharmed and ironically probably closer together than every before.
But wait! In real life, whilst this sort of phenomena is pretty likely, I'm sure it wouldn't have gone so flawlessly. Look at the floor in the supermarket, it ripped like paper. It looked like Linoleum which, if so, would have just let them fall into this abyss killing them both, probably slowly whilst they both said sorry for being such douche bags to poor old John Cusack, who celebrates by buying mosquito bite-lotion for his ass. Even if the floor was tiled, the cracks would have formed around the tiles, it wouldn't have just gone straight through them like some kid ripping paper up and making a mess.
This unrealism just makes the clique more difficult to watch. Damn it Mike!
Limo's are invincible
Next John gets back to his ungrateful ex-wife and big-shot husband, when, again - Oh no! The entire world starts to crack and crumble around them! But that's okay because John's hired a plane which'll take them from LA unharmed. However they have to get their first, jumping through buildings, hitting cars and nearly killing them all a million and one times.
But wait, Mike pretty much ignores that, no matter how good of a driver John is, a Limo's chassis is not indestructible, and after the 2nd of 3rd jump the entire thing would be as useful as a Chocolate fireguard, because, you know it's screwed. Yet it somehow manages to carry on and get it to the airport with only small amounts of damage.
But on it's journey they just scrape by a high-way that's falling down. But wait a minute, it scrapes by, literally - only just too. But in real life they wouldn't have been so fortunate. All cars including limousines have suspension, which would have compressed forcing the wheels into the top of the wheel-arches causing drag and slowing it down under the highway's weight crushing the entire car and really messing with John's day...As well as this the Limo wouldn't have had much luck after the 3rd time it'd hit a car as the radiator would've been pierced and caused the vehicle to overheat and/or die, along with John and his spoilt ex-wife.
Planes don't adhere to natural forces
Alright, so John makes it to the airport, boards a light aircraft and then leaves LA forever, only just being able to make out the pale screams and bitter hate as he leaves everyone of this friends behind - proving that a.) he's not a very good friend and b.) anything is possible if you're John Cusack.
But anyway, off on their journey they go, but they still have to negotiate the city which is falling to pieces, flying between buildings, as well as Subway Cars and crapping themselves through the entire ride.
But there's a reason light-aircraft are very unreliable and have a poor safety record. They're not maneuverable. Well they're not maneuverable enough to avoid buildings and subway cars. In actual fact it's wings would have been ripped off from the sheer G-Forces pulling at them. Experts agree that a plane without wings is often useless, and in this case deadly. Apparently though, these things are ignored if you're name is John. After this sheer case of divine intervention they all look over through the window to see LA sinking like a ship. They probably laughed after too...
RV's are death proof
Jump to much later in the film.
Eventually, after running away from a giant volcano and a mad man John jumps in an RV and speeds away from tonnes of flaming rock falling towards the earth and generally trying to ruin his day. He seems to negotiate it pretty well, that is until a massive chunk of flaming death hits the back end of his RV, turning it into the worst family holiday since National Lampoons European Vacation.
But hang on there one fine little second, looking back at what we saw with his indestructible Limo, after maybe one of two minor jumps and crashes, it would have been nothing more than a big tin can. But this RV makes the Limo look like a big girls blouse. Not only has it managed to survive being a crazy old mans home for the last, probably quarter of a century, it's also just been hit by a flaming piece of countryside. And yet the chassis is still intact, it even drives quite well for a damaged vehicle and gets him safely to yet another airport. If this film tells us anything, it's that the structural designers for the film 2012 should be world safety engineers. Seriously, no road deaths would ever happen again!
The fat kids didn't help matters.
Eventually John gets on board a big Russian Cargo plane (That never went into production so doesn't actually exist) with his spoilt wife and some spoilt Russian kids, that no one actually loved. I could mention at this point that the plane was too heavy to take off, and that there was no hope of any of them ever surviving the horrors of Las Vegas, but that's another story.
Anyway, at some point, whilst over China, the plane runs out of fuel and needs to land. That's an awful shame though because there's no runway...Anywhere. The pilot gets low enough for them all to get into the lovely cars they had in the back (Tragically, all were destroyed), and reverse out of the plane in a Bentley Continental.
The Bentley hits the ground, and is pretty much a write off. But all the occupants survive. There is a reason, however, that cars are not designed to fall out of the back of planes, without a parachute or any form of cushioning device. No, the car just falls out. All the other cars? Well as soon as they left the back of the plane they instantly spun and fell to their doom somewhere over China.
But what makes the Bentley so special? I know it's heavier, but that doesn't mean jack. In fact it's surface area is much more than the other smaller sports cars, meaning the amount of drag would have been considerably more, and they would have stood less chance of actually surviving.
At this point, I'm going to argue that John Cusack is secretly Superman. Except his powers have no downsides. He's just seriously insane. It must be. I can think of no other explanation.
I could go on
Seriously, I could. The film is filled with so many inaccuracies that it'd take me all night to list every single one of them, so I won't.
In short, 2012 is awful. The effects aren't the worst bit though. Nor the ambition or dramatization. No, we've come to expect that from Michael Bay.
The worst bit is that they tried to give this film a story. Like titanic, the whole "My boyfriend and I are going out but I still like John but he's mental and at least this guy is normal, but oh wait he's dead John'll have to do" is just awful. It's really, really dreadful.
Please, don't do this again Mike. Please.
Larry Rankin from Oklahoma on July 29, 2015:
I thought the movie was all right, but yeah, it was silly. If the world goes down, it isn't going to be like that. The pole shift aspect has been discredited as a thing of fiction.
Ryan Palmer (author) from In a Galaxy far, far away on May 21, 2011:
His movies seem to be one and the same, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong!
Everyone loves LOLCats! I've made a couple for this, but not cats, One of a dog and one of a horse LOL
Katharella from Lost in America on May 21, 2011:
Yeah he was like that in Identity too.. GREAT FLICK.. though! I won't be a plot spoiler if you've not seen it, but if you haven't and do, pay CLOSE attention!
OH and wasn't last night supposed to be the.. dun a dun dun, end? I went to cheezburgerDOTcoma and made a bunch of lolz kitteh's! I found one like it was reading a book, and put my "end of time cheezburger" saying on it.. I LOVE that site! But yeah, oh, my sundial must be off too! Oh well!
Ryan Palmer (author) from In a Galaxy far, far away on May 21, 2011:
He does seem very full of himself...Like in 1408, and why does he always seem to play a disturbed writer? Like his own creativity is making him negative, but "That's okay because he'll open his eyes after seeing the whole damn world crumble around him!" it's a bit ridiculous really, well IMO it is...
I remember watching 2012 at the cinema, and I thought it was 2012 when it'd finished, it seemed that long! But no, it wasn't. And we live to tell another day. Also, as for the "End of the Mayan Calendar" thing, well they also "predicted" the end of the world twice before, so I'll take it with a pinch of salt!
Katharella from Lost in America on May 20, 2011:
HA! FAB! John Cusak is like the biggest dipshit, full of himself parasite to the film industry. I mean that in all seriousness. Now if you, say, call him GOD, he "might" let you live if 2012 happens, which in my book will only happen on the calendar. Anyway, yeah I saw the flick, and short of a laugh, it could have almost been listed as a comedy, with Mr. Stupid heading it.. oh wait, that's covered in The Stupids, which is a much better flick. Great review, especially one that slams cusak cos he's a huge male reproductive organ. I don't mean the actor, he's a great actor he's a real life jackass. Luckily I got to tell him that, but I do like some of his movies. Like High Fidelity that was a good one, but Jack Black.. steals the spotlight. ;)
Ryan Palmer (author) from In a Galaxy far, far away on May 17, 2011:
Audrey Hunt from Pahrump NV on May 16, 2011:
Thanks for the film review.