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Why are Adult Virgins Considered to be Backwards in Modern Society

Grace loves to write commentaries on psycho-cultural and sociocultural dynamics in their myriad forms.

Even though many people are shocked that there are adult virgins, there are plenty of people who would be classified as such.

Even though many people are shocked that there are adult virgins, there are plenty of people who would be classified as such.

In our highly sexualized society, if an adult is not engaged in a sexual relationship, he/she is oftentimes viewed as an anomaly or worse.....

In our highly sexualized society, if an adult is not engaged in a sexual relationship, he/she is oftentimes viewed as an anomaly or worse.....

Sexual relationships ARE considered to be the adult rite of passage in this society.In order to be considered to be an authentic adult, it seems that one must be in a sexual relationship of one kind or another.

Sexual relationships ARE considered to be the adult rite of passage in this society.In order to be considered to be an authentic adult, it seems that one must be in a sexual relationship of one kind or another.

Despite the emphasis of sex in this culture, there are THOSE who elect not to engage in sexual relationships-either for the moment or permanently.They are waiting for the right person, for marriage, or any type of permanent relationship.

Despite the emphasis of sex in this culture, there are THOSE who elect not to engage in sexual relationships-either for the moment or permanently.They are waiting for the right person, for marriage, or any type of permanent relationship.

Many people find adult virgins to be quite strange to say the least.They feel that virginity should be left behind when one is an adult.

Many people find adult virgins to be quite strange to say the least.They feel that virginity should be left behind when one is an adult.

Adult virgins are more common than what are supposed. However, they are often stigmatized and thought of as not fully developed adults. They are viewed as having psychosocial and psychosexual issues. In essence, they are quite negatively.

Adult virgins are more common than what are supposed. However, they are often stigmatized and thought of as not fully developed adults. They are viewed as having psychosocial and psychosexual issues. In essence, they are quite negatively.

Adult female virgins are stereotypically thought of as unattractive/plain, repressed, spinsterish & religious.

Adult female virgins are stereotypically thought of as unattractive/plain, repressed, spinsterish & religious.

The stereotype of an adult male virgin is he is a mama's boy, loner  inept loser, geek, and/or other pejorative adjectives.

The stereotype of an adult male virgin is he is a mama's boy, loner inept loser, geek, and/or other pejorative adjectives.

However, many adult virgins do not fit such stereotypes.They are attractive, self-assured people who lead active dating &social lives.

However, many adult virgins do not fit such stereotypes.They are attractive, self-assured people who lead active dating &social lives.

The reasons why so many adults choose to be virgins are as individual and unique as they are. It can range from religious reasons to just not being interested in sex.

The reasons why so many adults choose to be virgins are as individual and unique as they are. It can range from religious reasons to just not being interested in sex.

In This Postmodern Sexualized Culture, Adult Virgins are Considered to be Backwards

An adult virgin is defined as a virgin who is in her/his 20s and older. When people think of adult virgins today, there is a stereotype of a plain, spinsterish, often devoutly traditionally religious female who dresses sternly and has a dour outlook on life. If the person is male, he is seen as either a mama's boy, repressed loner, or an oddly dressed geek.

Many people see the adult virgin as sexually immature and with psychosexual issues. There are even articles which suggest that the adult virgin needs sexual counselling, sexual surrogates, and even a trip to an escort service to "loosen their sexual inhibitions". It is the societal view that adult virgins are not "normal".

Well the abovementioned is often far from the truth. Although there are a few adult virgins who are sexually repressed, the majority are not. Many adult virgins are attractive people deliriously happy with their situation and lead active dating lives.

Only a few adult virgins, by their own admission, stated that they needed outside help in the sexual arena to cure their inhibitions. Being an adult virgin is a normal lifestyle choice. It seems to be an unwritten rule in society that being an adult means to be sexually active. If an adult is not sexually active, she/he is to be pitied and ostracized.

Many adult virgins have friends who believe that something is seriously with them because they elected not to have sexual affairs and/or relationships. People often look in bewilderment when a person reveals that they are an adult virgin. It is often voiced that by the time a person is in their late teens, virginity should be a thing of the past and that sexual relationships should be a part of life.

Although plenty of people have sexual affairs and/or relationships beginning in their late teens, some people prefer to wait until they are ready to engage in sexual affairs and/or relationships. There are many reasons why people are adult virgins. The reasons vary from adhering to traditional religious morals regarding waiting until marriage to indulge in sexual relations, to viewing sex as a gift to be shared with only a few special lovers to ultimately plainly not wanting to have sex at that particular moment.

With the average person indulging in sexual relationships, an adult virgin is suddenly viewed as an aberration. The reasoning is that the adult virgin has to have sexual relations to be seen as a complete woman/man and to be normal. I read a book regarding what men think about female sexuality and one man stated that adult female virgins were sexually at a child's level and were not adults.

This man further stated that he would never date an adult female virgin. Some men are turned off by the adult female virgin who they believe "have relationship and sexual issues". Not so long ago in an Anne Lander's column, an adult virgin female lamented that she hardly went out on dates because she revealed her virgin status and men were put off by that. Adult female virgins are often not seen as desirable in modern society but seen as old prudish maidens.

Adult male virgins have a more difficult time being accepted than adult female virgins To be a man means to have a myriad of sexual relationships. If a male reveals to his friends that he is an adult virgin, he is seen as being effeminate, a little boy, or a sexually repressed ogre. Some women often deride an adult male virgin, believing that something has to be seriously wrong with him.

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Think of the movie, THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN, in which the main character is derided because he is a virgin over the "normally accepted" age range. Adult male virgins are often seen as "losers" in modern society. Sometimes magazine articles suggested that he "should get laid" to "get rid of his predicament". Adult male virgins are sometimes called the pejorative word for homosexual because he chooses not to be sexually active.

Sex is one of an important aspect of life. However, it is not the being all or end all in life. There are lots of fulfilling activities to do in life. To reiterate, adult virgins of both sexes lead fulfilling and active social lives. They are not to be derided but to be respected in their lifestyle choice.

Whatever the reason, it is no one's business what an adult chooses to be whether to be sexually active or a virgin! His/her choices should be accepted & respected, not denigrated.

Whatever the reason, it is no one's business what an adult chooses to be whether to be sexually active or a virgin! His/her choices should be accepted & respected, not denigrated.

© 2010 Grace Marguerite Williams


fssrk1 on October 25, 2015:

It took me a while I wrote a reply to this article 3 years ago and finally lost my virginity around April 2015 at the age of 40. This was not an easy feat it took me 2 years to get decent at dating, making awkward comments, many mistakes but kept getting better.

Getting sexual with women honestly scared me so I wouldn't do more than flirt a little.

I learned to dress well, got married female friends to practice my conversational skills and get comfortable. Since they we married I had no interest in having sex with them and it changed how I related to women.

Also I found a dating coach named Frank Kermit that taught the 10 emotional needs of women. If you listen to women talk in general they have an emotional need being expressed. If you can't address any then they think you are creepy, awkward, or weird, which is where I was almost 3 years ago without realizing it and couldn't get female friends or dates.

Eventually I started addressing multiple emotional needs of women and they started thinking of me as a great friend but not a lover.

This year it took quite a bit of effort but I have to consciously think through it carefully and try to address as many of the 10 emotional needs of women and get dates. Could have had a couple of one night stands but chose not to, because I am looking for long term relationships.

Last night I told a woman that I went on a date with that I respected her too much to have sex with her on the first date and wanted a long term relationship and we have the next couple of dates lined up. We had multiple heavy make out sessions, and a passionate kiss in my driveway and all the neighbors were watching. It made me feel great after years of coming home alone.

Quite a change. Occasionally I will strike out on connecting on dates but now I have the confidence to bring them back home and do as much as they feel comfortable with.

Any man that is an adult virgin, should check out Frank Kermit's Adult Male Virgin program. It is a free ebook, and CD. He has a lot of great material. Frank is very passionate about getting good men, to become the great men that women want to be in a relationship with.

Hope the adult male virgins read this. Life does get better after having long term loving relationships. Yes it is hard work but worth it.

Wish everyone luck and don't give up. You can see my old comment from 3 years ago and see that I have changed for the better. My female friends seem to think I have some sort of secret or magical technique to make out with women or bring them home. All I tell them is that I create an emotional bond that connects us together and the rest takes care of itself. Not magic, lots of hard work.

Scott on October 22, 2015:

I am a 26-year-old male virgin by choice. However, I should mention that I am also an asexual. And I am very proud and comfortable of my status!

Growing up as a kid, I had noticed that I found women very attractive, but not in a sexual way unlike most of my peers at that time. I had hoped that my sexual desire or interest would kick in during the puberty, but it never did. Well, a couple of months ago at the age of 25, I looked into asexuality and that is when I fit a lot of signs growing up. While I cannot speak for virgins NOT by choice, but I will give a piece of advice; work on your social skills through therapy and the sex will follow. I wish you best of luck!

Akira on August 19, 2014:

Hey...I was a virgin till d age ov 26...

wiv ma previous relationship i had sex only twice wiv him...

Nw am wiv d man dat i luv each time we hv an intercourse it hurts so much...Even if we use a water based lube.

Nw am 28 wiv ma guy since last year...

y do i hv dis prob? pls help me

virgin on August 06, 2014:

I am a 54 yr old virgin and proud to be a virgin. Some people choose this lifestyle and enjoy the benefits virginity brings so it is not all bad news. It is of no consequence to me if I never lose my virginity and don't have a problem with this. The concept of virginity is often not fully understood especially when it comes to explaining why people are virgins. I am a virgin by choice because it is something I enjoy although I understand this may not be the case for most virgins.

Before the on June 23, 2014:

Deeply entertaining and funny posts here.

CastingDirector on May 27, 2014:

My name is Stephanie Lewis and I'm a casting director in NYC. I wanted to reach out because we are working with a major cable network on a new series about committed couples ages 35 and over who have yet to consummate their relationships.

Each couple will have the opportunity to go on a weekend-long intimacy retreat with world renowned Christian relationship experts as they work together on their journeys. Whether you have chosen abstinence for spiritual, medical, or emotional reasons, we will work with two committed people who are interested in taking the next steps in their relationship. The goal of this retreat and the ultimate series is to build a strong foundation as each couple embarks on a new and exciting chapter. If you would like the chance to work with the best sexual therapists in the country to enhance your emotional and physical life with your partner, this opportunity is for you.

For more information and to talk to a casting director, please email

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on May 12, 2014:

What an analytical and intelligent statement made.

Mercy on May 12, 2014:

I'm 23 and a virgin. When in college, sitting at a table with other girls indulging in tales of their sexual escapades I revealed that. Reveal, a dramatic choice of word maybe? Their reaction to that fact matched my choice. "Oh my God! You're a virgin?!" "how cute!" As if being a virgin makes you immature. It shows you could be very much more mature with your commitment to be older, in a society that does nothing but plaster images of premarital sex. I apologize if this might come across as offensive but is a 14 yr old losing their virginity suddenly mature after sex? I don't think so! How about a first time 16 yr old mother? Definitely not! And I didn't say that to slander any young mothers but quite honestly, being a mom is a beautiful but HUGE responsibility. Especially when you're barely old enough to be able to be looked at and be assumed responsible! Your body is a gift to give to someone else. It's the only thing on this earth that is truly yours. Not everyone's so open to sharing something so personal. Some people wouldn't be able to respect their own selves if they just gave up their body. They're the ones who have to look back and remember that they gave up on their own, personal comittment. It's about valuing your spirit. Respecting what you know is true for you and not being afraid to go against the norm. And it's a bonus that you have less of a chance to catch what most consider STDs. Pregnancies you're not ready for. Sex might be pleasurable, but sex itself is a big responsibility with all that comes along with it. With all that said, I'm proud to be a virgin. I wouldn't be proud to say I lost it to some boyfriend I thought loved me, because he eventually broke my heart. I'm glad I can say I never gave it to some guy, who no longer is around and living happy with another woman. This is MY body. What I live with when YOU'RE not around. And my emotional well being and self esteem is just as precious as the intimate moment I'll share with my HUSBAND one day. Right now, my emotional well being and self esteem are the most important.

lobo on February 17, 2014:

Just live your life the best way you can and don't listen to society about why your this or why your that? Society are hypocrits,they don't reallyknow what is right and wrong,peace.

shutupasshole on January 04, 2014:

to chrichasshole douchebag you sound like those job adverts that ask for experience but no job wants to give any experience, I think it's the same with dating, what the fuck are are you saying about social skills?Virgins are people too who are out there doing their thing as everyone else. The truth is that society rewards horrible people and bullies, not people with social skills. I have seen abusive controlling people and even overweight in relationships, they are not known for their social skills but manipulative skills. They are worst than me and managed to find a partner so when I hear "you have got to change this and that" and they who are horrible people and they find another horrible person to have a relationship and then I don't feel like changing a damn thing because society is a liar.

Andy on November 14, 2013:

I was worried about losing my virginity, that it made me think there was something wrong with me. I lost it at 26 and when I did, I was thinking to myself 'Oh thats what all the fuss is' I found it completely underwhelming, sex is not all its cracked up to be.

Chrichtonsworld on October 25, 2013:

This article is hilarious. How can someone take it seriously when is being said that a large number of people are virgin because of choice. Where are the numbers to support that statement. No, in my experience people are virgins not out of choice. Some lack the social skills to connect with others that prevent them from even having a normal conversation let alone having sex with someone.

pelo on October 07, 2013:

I'm 24 and I'm not a virgin.I didn't lose it because it was expected from me,or I had pressure from friends and society.I lost it because I felt I was ready to.Nothing negative has happened duer to premarital sex.I'm not sexually promiscuos,pregnant or have STD's.Its a known fact that most virgins,especially religious virgins,think they are better than evryone else for not doing the most natural thing in the world.There is nothing wrong with waiting,I admire it and encourage it to my virgin friends...But please don't belittle or berate me for my choice,everbody has the right to live their lives whichever way they choose.

dffntvw on September 30, 2013:


The pleasure is momentary

The position ridiculous

And the expense, damnable

jnnllk on September 25, 2013:


Anon 15 on September 24, 2013:

I am a virgin, and I am pretty apathetic to this fact. Can I say that I wanted to be a 22 year old virgin as a teenager? Hell no, but as I grew older and matured I came to realize that sex (in my opinion) IS a special thing and should only take place between people who know each other deeply -known one another for at least six months, once again in my opinion-, are emotionally, physically and mentally mature, and people should have feelings of sincere love not just lust toward their potential partner. Have I met or known anyone that meets the above stated criteria? No. Have I actively searched for this person? No. Do I feel bad that I'm a virgin? No.

Everyone is different if you're a virgin, for whatever reason, don't feel ashamed. Many people (men and women) who have had lots of sex with multiple partners feel pretty empty inside, and will probably never know what we call "love"; my previous roommate is a fine example of this. If you want to lose your virginity, be smart about it, don't just throw yourself at the first person who comes along, if you do this you may never live it down. Don't let an oversexed society stimulated by smutty and tasteless works of media and fiction push you into doing something you're not ready for, or make you feel like a lesser person because you're a virgin. Most importantly, be yourself, don't lie, be sincere, and if people look down on you for being who you are, then those people aren't your friends and you're better off without them.

Anon15 on September 24, 2013:


The pleasure is momentary

The position ridiculous

And the expense, damnable.

- Lord Chesterfield

john46 on September 20, 2013:

Hello Folks, I believe there are as many reasons/purposes for all things as there are stars in the Universe...try not to stress...if an issue in your Life hurts too have change...with any and all risks involved...'Above all else, Love One Another' - Jesus. (Love yourself & each other...serve one another of that which is of Love)

deathbyapathy on July 11, 2013:

I was taking magnesium taurate for depression & stress last year, and all it did was spike my testosterone to where I spent, at one point just more than a year ago, 2 months of my time on dating sites because I was worried about what shallow society thought of me as a then 39 year old male virgin(now 40). I know, it's stupid, because before that I didn't care what anyone thought of me in that regard, and I don't now, even though I'm supposedly a joke because of that "40 year old virgin" movie(whatever), but like I said before last year(before taking the magnesium taurate) that didn't ever bother me & it doesn't now, so ignore my prior comments in this comments page regarding that. Anyways the magnesium taurate ended up making me even more depressed & stressed in the end because of what I mentioned(to the point that I had to be evaluated by shrinks a year ago as I mentioned prior); it's amazing it took me so long to see that.

Anyway, there's always social services in place for old people without offspring to take care of them, so kids aren't necessary. Besides, even if you do have kids, you never really know how your kids will turn out, examples--if they'll even be able to take care of you or if they'll even love you. Kids require a lifetime of heavy toil, risk, monetary investment, responsibility & constant self-sacrifice and no one should foolishly endeavor to have them(or sex) for the purposes of supposedly "fitting in" & "being cool". A society that doesn't respect one's freedom of choice to be proud of their virginity or abstinence or their right to not procreate if one chooses not to is a society that is fundamentally broken and worthless and shouldn't be listened to. This will be my last comment as I'm closing my account but I just wanted to part with that.

TedX on May 26, 2013:

In this society this type of adulthood probably may lead you to be a virgin for the rest of your life. Ok, there are plenty of other activities ... but TIME is like a "Damocles Sword"... Sex is the first thing to do in orther to have a family. Think of a family as a kind of investment... you give love and probably you will get love in return. And this is crucial when yoy are old and sick. My father has cancer and we take care of him... and I can´t stop thinking who is going to take care of me in the future, being a virgin as I am.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on May 25, 2013:

Build up your confidence Ashley. You are not as bad as you state.

ashley on May 25, 2013:

Im a 26 year old virgin and I am ashamed. I want sex. I am frustrated because I want it. No one wants me though. Im skinny and ugly.

BunBun on May 16, 2013:

I get it. I am 25 and I am a virgin. I chose to be since I find sex should be until you are married, and I know I will never be married so I am happy with that. Even from the dangers form AIDS and STDS

Sometimes, most people feel they HAVE to have sex because of the media. Even in most shows like Big Bang Theory; they made fun of Sheldon and often picked on him like something so low that he doesn't want to have sex. He doesn't feel the need for it. Even in the other shows like the American Teenage Daughter or something like that.... She got pregnant at 16 and felt she had to have sex.

Its alright to have sex but I just agree with this article. Like looking down at people who choose to be virgins. Some people have no interest in sex and some do.

deathbyapathy on January 25, 2013:

My last comment I misspelled "foRtune"; sorry. Stupid cheap keyboard....

deathbyapathy on January 25, 2013:

I'm following up a comment this page said I made 7 months ago(I can't remember when), but very shortly after that time(in early July 2012 for reference) I was diagnosed with ASD, aka PDD, aka Aspergers Syndrome, which will soon be ASD(Autism Spectrum Disorder, I think). So for all the armchair psychs here proclaiming adult virginity to be the product of severe personal shortcomings without any exception, well I obviously am one that fits your groupthink, so go ahead and pat yourselves on the back & feel really good and smug about yourselves(I mean, you already know you're better than me right?).

Had I been aware of my mental condition when I should have been(at least 2 decades earlier(I'm 39)) there's no doubt alot of pain, anger, confusion, struggling and hopelessness would have been spared me had I known the reason why I've been such a collossal failure at living up to modern society's fascist expectations. The psychologist who informed me of my diagnosis, basically chalked up my failure to get along with others to my inability to read other's "non verbal cues". Apparently my inability to read people's "non verbal cues" and basically read other people's minds and predict the future like some super shaman fotune teller is a monumental offense and affront to human decency and pride that is just not to be tolerated and accepted by your typical "mature, normal, wellrounded" "adult"....thus I've been consigned, due to my condition, to die alone.

I know I mentioned that I attempted(foolishly) online dating in my last post, but, again, that was pre Aspergers diagnosis and I was just lost(by the way, dating sites(free and pay) are nothing but havens for trolls and scammers and nothing is real about them, at all). Now I know, given knowledge of what's wrong with me, that I can never find, nor will I even try to seek companionship with any of the moral and intellectual abominations known as neurotypical, or "normal", "people". They, who since I can recall, have laughed at me, have bullied me, have marginalized me, humiliated me, demonized me, have stomped my soul into the ground and spat on it.....I have but one very simple but effective word for all of "you" reading this: D I E

Anon on November 18, 2012:

Im a 21 year old "virgin", and when people are shocked, or not so shocked, to find that i have never had sex its always so awkward.

I just don't take "impressing the ladies" as the most important part of my day to day life. Another thing that has stopped me from this is just the sheer increase of teen pregnancies nowadays. A condom isn't 100%, and if the girl i had sex with became pregnant and wanted to keep it, i would want to keep it. Abortion is disgusting. Im 21 years YOUNG. I'm at university, i don't want kids or anything like that until im supporting myself. If she gets pregnant, im going to have to what, drop out, get a dead end job, and move in with her, so that the kid can have a reasonably comfortable childhood.

I'm not a religious person, in fact quite the opposite, but to randomly have sex with a girl(or boy) i'm never going to see again isn't appealing to me.

I believe the media has had a massive influence on peoples perspectives of sex.

At the end of the day, people may say i'm a virgin because im what, shy etc, but frankly, its none of their goddamn business. I certainly don't want to hear about the 165 people they've had sex with. Society today is frankly, a pretty screwed up place to live in.

andy on October 22, 2012:

I'm 49 and a virgin because I'm not sexually attracted to women and choose to not live a gay life or participate in casual gay sex, so that leaves the option of single and celibate. Lonely and alone? Yes. However, I believe it to be the best option for me. I don't tell anyone (except for one very close friend) because I think EVERYONE will judge me or try to change me. I'm intelligent, reasonably good-looking, and in good shape (a runner), and present myself well. I'll even get responses on this site to "change" and "embrace my sexuality" which is why I just don't go there with anyone.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on October 21, 2012:

Candace, you have presented quite an excellent analysis of the subject on hand. Thank you for your very intelligent and enlightening response.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on October 21, 2012:

Candace, you have presented quite an excellent analysis of the subject on hand. Thank you for your very intelligent and enlightening response.

CandaceCane on October 20, 2012:

Hi, I sympathize with those of you that are virgins, for whatever your reasons. I can accept that some of you have chosen this, and are happy with your choice. I don't disagree or have any question about your choice- whether it be because of religion, personal, etc. However, in general, I have made observations of adult virgins over the 48 yrs I've lived on this earth, so here is what I think.

I think that for the most part, those who have this in their lives are a "victim" (I know that word is not the best term), but I feel they are victims or results of early parental conditioning, be it conscious or subconscious. No, not trying to be Freudian here, but I do see almost a direct connection between parenting styles and this result in the offspring's lives. Reason is because many times, especially for females, it seems like one or both parents were overprotective of the daughter. Or at times this could have happened to the male children too...but in a different way. The males were not as monitored as say the females, but the parent(s) had some way of controlling them by manipulation or bargaining.

See, when offspring become "stunted" in one way or another- especially is we can see that its the parents that played a role of controlling their children's lives for the most part, probably one of the worse outcomes is the adult virgin result. Maybe not the worst, but certainly one of the least desirable. There are other results of controlling parents, such as underachievement, insecurity, confusion, and of course this.

In comparison, unless there are role reversals in a family, seems like people whose parents didn't control them as much, they seem to do better in different areas of life. I've noticed this; we can even take the archetypical "middle child" syndrome, and there are now studies that say that middle children seem to come out the best of all the siblings, though of course this is just a general factor. So being that the middle child had "less attention", they were left more to their own devices to create their own lives oftentimes. So if we use that simple example as a comparison (now of course even a middle child can be an adult virgin), but generally we can see how controlling parents keep their children from achievement in various areas of life- down to whether they are capable of even having a date and/or sexual relations of some sort!

In some respects losing virginity, whether it be on the wedding night, or in other ways, is a rite of passage that is very important in a person's development. The adult virgins I've known have had to struggle to achieve maturity in certain ways that others have not. I knew an adult male virgin, aged about 50yrs, who was socially immature in some ways until he met a girlfriend and lost his virginity.

The relationship dissolved, but at least he gained much in experience and grew in maturity as a result. He was the only son and only child in his family, and while he was sort of they shy type too, I can't help but to think that his childhood (even though I'm not sure if his parents were controlling or not, but he was their only son and shy at that), so he had to contend with "breaking out" of that shell he was in for so long.

Now of course premature and overt sexuality at a too young of age is not a good thing...but on the opposite end, there is such a thing as "too late" as well. Not that it can't be rectified, but we as much as we don't want teens overdoing sex, we don't want adult virgins suffering the ill effects of something that is a natural part of life, sexual activity.

Ted on October 19, 2012:

I am also a 39 year old virgin, and not by choice. When I went off to college, I was very outgoing, and thought that my sense of humor would make up for my lack of looks. I was a skinny kid with thick glasses. I started exercising so that my bony frame had more muscle tone, but I was never going to bulk up. I would ask women out, only to be friend-zoned. While I was pursuing these women, there may have been other women interest in me, but I did not have the kind of personality to pay attention to more than one woman at a time, or try to juggle women. Once I was rejected by woman number 1, the woman who was kind of interested in me was suddenly no longer interested. It was just a case of her wanting something (me) that someone else had. Once I was rejected, I was no longer desireable.

This continued after college, and now nearing 40. I'm still in good shape, got most of my hair, but I've pretty much given up. Because, when I look at men in successful marriages - the price is just too high. These men are good, supportive husbands, but they are working their fingers to the bone to provide their wives a lifestyle that most people could not imagine. And these are good looking guys. An average guy like me would probably have to work and earn twice as much, but I am in a dead end job, so I can't impress women with my job either.

My parents are immigrants. I'm pretty sure when the left the old country behind, their version of the American dream did not include a middle-aged virgin son who never amounted to anything.

zeck on September 19, 2012:

Not really. I don't agree at all with the idea that an adult male virgin is so by choice without any major issues. One of the strongest drives is to have sex and form sexual relationships... and for those that don't, there's a horrible feeling, as their body fights to force them to do so. If someone is a virgin at a later age, then either they have been conditioned to belive sex is wrong (either before marriage or at all!), or they have a low sex drive or some other social disturbance occurred. But I also disagree that just because someone does have some issues to get over that they are not potentially good relationship material (and attractive)... although they may need some work put into them first! Heck, maybe they'll be better relationship material, since they appreciate being with someone more... who knows? I don't see why someone with some issues deserves to be left on the scrap heap. People have bad relationships and have issues... major issues that are worse than being a virgin, and they find other people.

I can only speak for myself. I'm one... not really by choice, as such... although I have turned down a few offers here and there (normally simply down to not being attracted to them enough)... and even not reacted to times I have been hit on by some pretty attractive girls (for whatever reason). I've been on a date where the girl invited me back at the end and I just wasn't attracted to her.... simple... so I couldn't do it, couldn't even consider it. To be honest I just don't know where the heck I stand with the opposite sex. I think.... "right, are they attracted to me?"... and I can think of enough instances for a "yes".... but surely if I could attract women, I'd have atleast had sex by now (I'm 33!). I did have huge social issues that devloped around 16 after being bullied pretty badly, where I was so shy I couldn't even leave the house. I only started slow improvement at around age 21/22. But its always there in the background... the shyness, and its most great when meeting new people and especially with girls I'm attracted to that I don't know very well. Its a strong feeling and I cant turn it off completely. But, if you saw me in a room of people I know enough to remember their name, you'd see me as confident, funny and socially skilled... these days. But deep down I can still feel the old feelings.

fssrk1 on August 17, 2012:

I am a 37 old male virgin and just average looking, with a good job, but can't find an attractive single women. The reason I didn't have sex was I was raised in a very strict Catholic family, worried about catching a disease, and didn't want to have a child out of wedlock.

Amazingly enough I did date a young lady for about 5 summers when she was in town but she had a very vast amount of sexual experience I never felt comfortable enough to get past making out with her or feeling her up. The weird thing is she had a large amount of respect for me. We were at completely opposite ends of the sexual spectrum but seemed to work for a while and eventually grew apart when I got serious about studying in college and got an engineering degree.

Now I am agnostic and being raised in a strict religion destroyed my social skills with women and feel that I might have missed all my chances unless I date a single mother which is something I really don't want to do, I don't want to be financially responsible for someone else's children.

My advice to anyone is try to have sex before you leave high school. College is a little more difficult but there is still a little hope is take an easy college degree you spend more time socializing and partying.

My only chance now is to get my bodyfat down to 10% and develop six pack abs and softball biceps. An attractive body should get me an attractive looking women and build up my self confidence.

My guess is that if you have a very high self esteem that you can always find a woman that will be attracted to you. That is my biggest flaw is I don't think that I deserve an attractive woman to date even though I want one which leads to inaction.

Frank on August 08, 2012:

@ Will "Some men (such as myself) have lived their entire lives without attracting the interest of a single woman."

You could always get to know some not-so-happily married women. Chin up, it'll happen when you're ready.

Megan on June 05, 2012:

I am a 27 year old female virgin for religious and emotional issues. I just don't feel my body is a toy. Frankly, I am distressed by the idea that I will probably never marry or have sexual intercourse. I feel ready to fall apart. However, I do not regret my decision. I only wish I could share true intimacy with someone in a stable marriage relationship. I know that will never happen. So, I will most likely die a virgin. I do not regret my choices, however, I wish I could know true intimacy and love. Yes, I do have a boyfriend, but I am aware that he will never marry me. As I have stated, I will never regret my decision to remain a virgin and I am tired of people being so reckless with these decisions and then expecting you to follow their examples. If they want to engage in a certain lifestyle, then let them, but they must also allow me to engage in my chosen lifestyle. I do not regret my virginity. I only regret not having lived out all the experiences I have wanted to. That's it, I guess. This is a nice article. I am highly intelligent, informed about sex, successful, ambitious, and creative. I also acknowledge myself as a highly sexual being with a sex drive which I must control. Yet, I also happen to be a virgin. Usually I run into a lot of things that make my skin crawl on Hubpages. It was refreshing to see a nice article that some of us leading this lifestyle can enjoy. Thank you for writing it and thank you to all of my fellow adult virgins who wrote in and responded so thoughtfully. We are not asexual; we are simply making a choice concerning our bodies and our hearts.

deathbyapathy on June 03, 2012:

39 year old male virgin here.

Firstly, in reference to the commenter before me, what if some guy comes along that is ideal for a particular woman in nearly every way except that he's still a virgin....does that automatically break the deal since he can't have the "type of sex" the woman is looking for? Why not teach him or guide him? I don't know, it seems pretty shallow and selfish of women who generally have a much easier time obtaining intimacy throughout their lives, but won't give the time of day to a virgin man who may be an ideal match for them otherwise. Maybe taking the time to get to know these men beyond the pre-conceived societal stereotypes would allow you to look beyond such a shallow consideration as his aptitude at sex; makes sense to me.

To "Grown Up", absolutely 110% is exceptionally childish for people that claim to be oh-so-much more mature than virgins like me to lambaste people like me with childish ad hominems(like "fag", "loser", etc) and petulant, unsolicited, unwanted and condescending "concern" over our "plight" as if we are a blight upon humanity, when really it's a sign that THEY(as a society) are sick when they live to judge and demonize others who dare not concern themselves with cloning themselves into their narrow-minded and illogical idea of "normal adult behavior"(sleeping with everything that moves, risking unwanted pregnancy/diseases, emotional scars from broken shallow relationships, etc etc)...

I admit I've been struggling on and off recently with my virginity and I've from time to time allowed others' negativity about people like me to get me questioning myself(to the point where I foolishly recently wasted 2 months of my free time fruitlessly and ill-advisedly on various "dating sites"), but when I read blogs and message posts like these that are from intelligent, helpful, sincere people I feel a lot better about my present(and possibly permanent) "virgin" status. I've found comfort also on asexual forums where people with apathetic perspectives on sex also question much of the "prevailing wisdom" on the so-called vital importance of sexual intercourse. I myself wish I was one of those "asexuals"(how lucky they are!).

Good post.

missj on March 26, 2012:

marriages fail because people don't know how to communicate and people rush into them without knowing who they are marrying. They don't fail because people choose to have sex before marriage. People simply have no will and no desire to work things out. Marriage has become something that is no longer sacred in this country, that's the reason they fail. It has nothing to do with sex. Unless the woman stops having sex with the man. Which from a womans point of view me being a woman is a darn good reason. The bible teaches you not to deny your husband and husbands not to deny their wives. I know when i get married if my husbands stops engaging in intercourse with me I'm going to leave. I was an adult virgin and did not have sex until i was absolutely ready. And when I did it was wonderful. I never once was looked at strangely by men because I was a virgin still, men loved that and thought me to be a rare gem. And still til this day they look at me in awe when they ask at what age i lost my virginity and they like the fact that I waited. it's not as hard for women as it is for men. Men are looked at as gay sometimes if they haven't had sex. It's sad but that's the reality. We are brought up thinking men to be horndogs who screw anything that moves but that's just not true. It's great to find men who are virgins. I knew full well how to please a man sexually even though I had never had sex. And have always been darn good at it from the jump. But honestly I wouldn't date a male virgin just because of the timidity and the lack of experience for the type of sex that I myself enjoy. But I think it's great when men wait and actually encourage it. For any man reading this and women as well. Don't let society or anyone, friends, family, boyfriends girlfriends, make you feel bad about your decision to wait. You're much more special for doing so. Truly set a part. I don't regret having sex ever but I truly smile upon those who have the discipline to go against their natural urges for longer than I did. Congrats to you all! Keep it up. It's worth the wait trust me!

Will on March 11, 2012:

I'm a 26 year old male virgin, and I can say with great certainty that MOST males who remain virgin's into their adulthood are not virgins by choice. They are undesirable by women for one reason or another.

Women have TONS of opportunities throughout their lives to have sex, they simply choose not to. As the comments will prove above, most women have an acceptable reason as to why they've never experienced sex. It's not due to lack of opportunities or because men find them undesirable.

Some men (such as myself) have lived their entire lives without attracting the interest of a single woman.

Janice Gilmour on March 10, 2012:

I am 52 years old. Decades ago, when I was young, I tried to lose my virginity. I was so not into it that my labia never relaxed enough to let the man's penis in. According to a Catholic priest near the school that I was attending, I lost my virginity that night.

However, according to the Physician's Assistant that gave me a very painful pap smear, I was a virgin and should have told her that I still had my hymen ring. I was too in shock to tell her that I had my hymen ring.

My point, virginity is different things to different people. I now consider myself a spinster. And as far as I am concerned, that is alright with me.

Jason on September 01, 2011:

Hey, I'm doing a documentary on Adult Virgins and looking for participants to tell their story! Please email me if you are interested!

dg on August 31, 2011:

Actually most men find adult virgins to be very attractive and they are psyched when they find out I am a virgin. I have never encountered a negative comment. If I ever did I would know that he was not the right man for me anyway and just wanted to use me

HoneyB on August 30, 2011:


I am an 'adult virgin' at 32 and this issue is usually addressed to men but I am a female. I think I am average in looks and have been very shy throughout life. I have not been asked on dates and not the type to approach guys for dates. So I have remained single. I don't feel there's 'something wrong with me' but I realize in the eyes of most other adults there is and that makes me really sad sometimes. Mostly I have given up even bothering looking for a mate and rather concentrate on accepting that men find my situation to be too weird to be bothered with. I have had negative reactions from the handful of guys I have shown interest in and of course that has discouraged me overall. Anyway, I liked this article and didn't think it stated anything incorrect. Thank you.

Beeswax on July 02, 2011:

F you, thetruth.

gmwilliams, great article! And who cares if you are a virgin or not. It doesn't matter.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on May 21, 2011:

To xxxo: Very good points you made. The idea that an adult virgin is very naïve and prudish is totally stereotypical and out of date. Many adult virgins are more knowledgeable about sex than many people who started having sex at young ages. In fact, many of the pregnancies are the result of young teenagers who are totally unprepared when they started having sex. I believe that one should be choosy regarding having sex and be totally prepared in terms of bodily knowledge and in contraceptive methodologies. In my opinion, I believet that teens should not have sex and that people should wait to indulge in sex when they reach their twenties.

xxxo on May 21, 2011:

Speaking from personal experience, I can definitely tell you that many adult virgins make a conscious choice NOT to have sex just with anyone. These people are very choosy when it comes to the object of their affections. They are so choosy in fact, they may even base their final decisions on the VIBES/VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCY of their desired mate. If you don't understand what I am talking about, then you don't know how sex is perceived by some people - spiritual, mind-enhancing and capable of making a human ascend to higher levels of consciousness and not just physically pleasurable.

I started my sex life at 27 and I was fully aware of everything from std's to how both the female and male bodies worked. In fact, I knew more about these sexual topics (topics as to how to increase/decrease fertility naturally, orgasms, G spot, ways to increase pleasure, etc) than a lot of my peers who started their sexual lives as early as 12, mostly because of peer pressure and shame that they didn't belong. It turns out that as a female who started out her sex life at 27, I am doing very well in the department of satisfying my partners whom I STILL choose very carefully. Way to go GMWILLIAMS for writing about this very sensitive topic.

bugslady8949 from The Bahamas on April 05, 2011:

I am a 21 year old virgin and I want to wait until I am married and if i do not get married I will remain a virgin. that's me.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on January 30, 2011:

To Grown-Up-Amen! Amen! Amen!

Grown-Up on January 29, 2011:

I'm really not sure what the deal with society is. From what I've observed so many adults are acting like childish/foolish busybodies concerned about business that's really none of their own. Does being a virgin really have anything to do with how well someone performs at their job or if they can pay the bills or function/take care of themselves legally as law abiding citizens? People need to grow up. Unless it somehow involves you whether or not someone is a virgin or not is really none of your business. They are adults I'm pretty sure they're old enough to make their own decisions and choose their lifestyle.

Don A. Hoglund from Wisconsin Rapids on November 12, 2010:

I've notice in een somewhat "conservative" TV that lack of sexual activity is treated as abnormal. Very seldon is it mentioned that religion might play a role.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on November 07, 2010:

In response to thetruth: Many people are virgins because they CHOOSE to be so. It has nothing to do with religion or fear. Many adult virgins are very attractive, successful, and intellectual people. It is a person's right to decide whether or not he/she wants to have sex. If a person choose to have sex-fine and if he/she does not-fine! As I have stated, sex is an important part of life; however, it is not the most important aspect of life. Many people are quite content without sex! They have hobbies and other intellectual pursuits to occupy their time.

thetruth on November 07, 2010:

Sounds like this article was written by an adult virgin. The reasons listed for being a virgin in this article are merely excuses that adult virgins state as the reason for their virginity. This is skin deep, one has to explore beyond the excuse to get at the root cause of the issue, and in most cases the root cause deals with fear and insecurity. Strict adherence to religious ideals that supress our human nature need to seriously be questioned and not followed blindly...

ptersburg on August 27, 2010:

What is virginity exactly? When does one actually lose one's virginity? I've never formally had sex, but I don't consider myself a virgin - mainly because it's such a vague term. When/where do wet dreams and masturbation come into the virginity equation?

razor on August 26, 2010:

A society that praises premarital sex and multiple premarital "relationships" has resulted in a society where one out of four adults has an STD, now 1 out of 4 teen girls has an STD, and society has been devasted by AIDS, a killer STD.

Sex was meant for procreation and enjoyment within a lifelong secure marriage, so children could be raised securely by two parents, and spouses can be secure in their relationship. Go against God's laws and you will just end up sick.

The Duggars and traditional Christian families are proof that waiting for marriage works. Every other couple is just proof of a 60% divorce rate, broken hearts, broken homes, and death and suffering by STD. "Relationships" don't prepare people for marriage, they prepare people for divorce. These misguided people are not practicing for a lifelong commitment, they are practicing dumping people when they get bored of them, which is typically how marriage ends in the US now.

"The wages of sin is death." Sex before marriage is not a risk free enterprise, it is a sin and it results in the chaos and suffering we see in society today. God is not warning us against this to spoil our fun, He's trying to keep us from suffering and show us how to get the most enjoyment out of life and relationships without needless suffering for sin.

nightwork4 from ontario. canada on August 13, 2010:

i think people find it strange to be an adult and a virgin because sex is pleasureful and good for you. also i believe that most people just can't relate to the idea so like anything we can't relate to we find it strange or out of step with the world.

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