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Violence in Relationships

Misbah has done her Bachelor’s degree in psychology. She has access to a wide range of mental health experts who treat mental illness.

Every day, we witness a new case of marriage or relationship violence through the media. Often we hear about the violence of a wife against her husband, a man. So, how true is some of the information we know about violence? According to the research, what are the mistakes about violence? We are examining the violence in relationships.

Both Men and Women Use Violence

According to research by sociologists Straus and Gelles, who conducted a study to measure the amount of violence perpetrated by men and women, the frequency of violent behaviors of men and women was the same. But in another important study by Vivian al., Male violence was much more harmful than female violence.

Women who were subjected to violence by their husbands were injured and needed medical attention after being beaten. Relationship violence could result in the death of women, but not men.

Given the fact that men are physically stronger than women and the devastating consequences of men's violence, we can understand how difficult it is for women to inflict violence against men. In fact, I think we all know that the argument that "women also use violence against men" is too wrong to imagine.

Besides, we know that violence perpetrated by women is often to respond in self-defense and protection. Therefore, although the frequency seems to be equal in number, if there is violence in all heterosexual relationships, we can say that this is a behavior mostly performed by men, against women.

Violence in Relationships

Violence in Relationships

Relationship Violence Stems From Substance and Alcohol Use

There are studies showing that there is more violence in the relationship when there are alcohol and substance use. However, none of these studies could prove that alcohol or drugs are the cause of violence. It can also be said that the perpetrators tend to use alcohol and drugs.

According to a survey, many women think that if their spouse's alcohol and substance addiction is treated, the violence will disappear. Some of these spouses may experience an end to violence after treatment. But we cannot generalize this.

The relationship between substance, alcohol, and violence is complex. Firstly, some of the perpetrators use drugs or alcohol, while others do not. Violent people who use alcohol or drugs do not always show violence under this influence.

Here, if we are talking about a state-of-mind transformation into aggression due to heavy alcohol or substance use, this may be true for a minority. Alcohol and substance use can also be an excuse to justify violence.

Violent Spouse Cannot Control Anger

Most of us think that the actions we do are voluntary behaviors, caused by events in our environment, today, or in the past. A voluntary act is the result of an election. There may be different options, we choose one and we act like that.

Sometimes violence—for example, temporal lobe epilepsy has been observed to trigger violent behavior. Or sometimes, there may be an impulse control problem and uncontrollability at the onset of violence. However, in the vast majority of cases, violence is voluntary behavior.

Psychologist Dutton stated that the attacker was "dissociated" at the time of the attack, that is, he changed his level of consciousness during the attack and often did not remember the moment of the attack. This again belongs to a very small audience.

In most cases of intra-relationship violence, men remember moments of violence, but either underestimate its importance or avoid taking responsibility. Most of them deny that they show violence and are lying. As a result, we can say that mostly in the cases of violence, this is a chosen behavior and there is no control issue.

“Just because it’s explainable, doesn’t mean it’s excusable.”

— Anonymous

Violence Ends on Its Own

Violence rarely ends on its own. In Gottman's study, it was observed that the prevalence of violence in men decreased over time but never stopped. In cases where it ends infrequently, emotional abuse never ends— especially threatening, intimidating, and containment

This topic is important Because many researchers only consider physical violence. However, if physical violence has occurred even once, all kinds of emotional violence (threats, insults, intimidation) that will come after, it provides the same effect as physical violence.

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By frightening and intimidating his partner, he takes control and makes him submissive. Emotional violence shows us that although physical violence is not there, it creates an effect as if it was there.

In various cases, it is seen that the same effect is achieved with emotional violence, but without the risk of committing a crime that is, without physical harm to his wife. It is as hurtful as physical violence, but not as much crime as it is?

Women Provoke Men and Result in Violence

This misinformation is accepted by most perpetrators, by many parts of society, and even by some experts. This contradicts in certain respects with research. For example, men often use violence regardless of what the woman says or does.

A man who has a problem with his boss at work can also come home and inflict violence on his wife. Sometimes we see men saying that he was violent because his wife said so. Even women who blame themselves and try to take responsibility in such relationships are also common. Like, "I was beaten, but I pushed him a lot, I should have talked better".

No matter how careful they are, they will never achieve this better speaking skill. Because the violence is there, regardless of what the woman says. What is implied by the word provocation is that the woman endures the result of her own hand.

When women say something bad and men are triggered by it, they can defend themselves as they please. They can tell their wives to stop, leave the environment, shout, but if they choose violence rather than any of these, it is the man who shows violence, not the woman.

Violated Women Must Be Crazy About Staying in That Relationship

As the study statistics show that 50% of normal relationships results in divorce in the first 5 years, while only 38% of violent marriages end in divorce. Why can't these women leave? Is it just economic or do they like to be violated? I don't think so.

Getting rid of an abusive marriage or relationship is not as easy as we think It is risky to break up with violent men, whose greatest fear is abandonment. In these relationships, you may not be considered separated by separation. Another reason is that many women may not be able to afford separation if they have children and are economically dependent on their partner.

Another reason is that a woman who has been physically and emotionally controlled and digested for a long time may mistakenly think that she needs her husband and cannot be separated from him. (Emotions come in between)

Another reason may be post-traumatic stress disorder in women who have been subjected to violence, such as many abuse, violence, and war victims. Symptoms include depression, anxiety, nightmares, insensitivity to the world, etc.

It is not easy to get out of the relationship with this discomfort. Another reason is that women love their spouses and live with the dream that their spouses will one day get better.

What Is the Cause of Violence Against Women?

Everyone is looking for the answer to this question. Surely there is no single answer. Maybe we will never find the answer. Perhaps history, political and socioeconomic dynamics have made violence against women so widespread.

Regardless of poverty, patriarchy, and male-female relationships, not all men show violence, and the violent man and this situation have independent characteristics from anything else

Violence against women is perhaps the most shameful human rights violation, and it is perhaps the most pervasive. It knows no boundaries of geography, culture or wealth. As long as it continues, we cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development and peace

— Kofi Annan

Web and Bibliographic References

Gottman. JM Jacobson. AND. When Men Batter Women. New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationship. (1998). SIMON & SCHUSTER

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2021 Misbah Sheikh


Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on June 10, 2021:

Domestic Violence -- a shameful act

Domestic violence can be one of the most difficult types of situations to talk about, to face and to escape from. Sadly, it can happen to anyone women, men, kids, between spouses and even friends.

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 19, 2021:

Urwa-the article I published today due to some problems, I don't know how? Didn't appear on the feed and directly went to discover no one could comment on it. Even I was not able to see it on the feed. But if you want, I can reactivate it with a comment so it will appear back on the feed,

I appreciate your efforts

Blessings to you sister

Iqra from East County on April 19, 2021:

Hi, Misbah sis I can't find the notification of your article.

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 18, 2021:

@Vanita: Thanks a lot for your kind words and support- much appreciated

As you said there are loopholes, yes this is true. There should be strict laws and I believe there are in many countries. But women or men whoever suffer from violence feel it difficult to tell anyone and this is where we make mistakes. It’s better to speak about those bruises than to hide them, but again society comes in between. We will think of how people will see it, what about children, the economic situation and so on.

This is where we give confidence to the violent people. I know the topic is critical, hard to discuss but I believe it needs to be discussed. Why not we try to ring a bell of a neighbor living next door when we hear voices of a woman crying so loud, sadly, it happens. One who is suffering needs help, and to get helped is their right.

As Mr. Bill said it right, violence is often not talked about, or "swept under the rug“- true. No?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me- much Gratitude

Blessings and Peace

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 18, 2021:

@Tuli: Thanks a lot for your kind support. Yes, you said it right Most of the women are ashamed to tell anyone that they are being mistreated, it’s not just about Eastern countries, what I believe is that this issue is global. It’s is as common in west as it is in east part of the world. It’s always important to speak about the issues that are ruining the peace of world

Blessings and Peace

Vanita Thakkar on April 18, 2021:

Misbah, you have written on a very critical issue. You have given good citations as well. I appreciate your effort. Thanks.

Violence in relationships, especially against women, is a very critical, unpleasant and widespread problem. Irrespective of regions and cultures, it is found to have taken deep roots.

There is so much that relates to these matters all around that it would become a long, long write up.

Physical violence is very evident. Emotional violence - in personal relationships as well as professional / working atmospheres - is much more prevalent and very little talked about openly. Preconceptions - driven by afflictions like fears, greed, egotism play their nasty roles in creating all these mess ....

I have not got involved directly into social work or counselling, but having held leading positions / having had a trustworthy disposition, I have come to know about so much grief and agonies that trouble people, especially women. Sometimes, to my own surprise, during my travels, I came across ladies (a few of them were wives of people at pretty high positions in Corporate sector / Government offices) who said they felt so much like talking to me and confided their secrets to me .... They want to feel relieved and of course, are seeking solutions / ways out .... Many a times, a sympathetic ear and a few words of empathy is all that is possible .... And while seeking solutions to such problems, both the parties involved have to be present, with the willingness to solve the problem ....

Seeing all this, the world looks like a huge junkyard of hung relationships ....

As you correctly said, people hang on to torturous relationships for the sake of children or family honour or economic reasons or emotional blockages that get created as a result of consistent tortures.

Laws are there to help, but there seem to be more loopholes than laws. The procedures of obtaining justice can be long, tedious and often too torturous to women ....

The solutions to such problems require strong-willed leadership(s) that bring about implementational awareness on a mass scale - a kind of revolution - in thoughts, understanding and emotions - about life and its purpose, relationships - in individual, professional, social and spiritual contexts ....

Sounds too difficult, isn't it ??!! :-) :-)

Let us get back to our works :-) :-)

Take care. Best wishes.

Tulii Banerjee from Kolkata on April 17, 2021:

It is an excellent article about violence and yes, it is a real thing. Most of the women of our country are ashamed to tell anyone that they are being mistreated. Thank you for sharing this thoughtful article.

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

Brenda, I really feel sad for that lady. I pray, may she get out of this situation soon. It’s very important to raise voice against Violence.

It’s even sad when none of the family member is there to support the violated person . An individual in such situation needs someone, a supportive person on whom they can rely on and can share their feelings.

Blessings to both of you

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

@gyanendra mocktan : Thanks for your kindness. I am glad you find it timely. I would feel glad, if you can share this article to someone in need. I appreciate your support— much Gratitude

Thanks for the kind recovery wishes. God Bless You

Peace and Blessings

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

@Devika: Thanks for your kind words, dear friend— highly appreciated. Surely there is no single answer. Maybe we will never find the answer. But yes, some points which I mentioned here are somehow can be reasons behind their staying in relationship even after suffering violence. I appreciate your support— much gratitude

Blessings and Peace

Iqra from East County on April 17, 2021:

Your welcome dear sister, May God bless you, stay happy :-)

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

@Urwa: Thanks a lot for your kindness , dear sister— much appreciated. It is a global issue. It’s everywhere in the world. But yes, I believe the ratio in Asian countries is much higher than anywhere else. Thanks a lot for appreciating— much Gratitude

Blessings and Peace

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

@Moondot: I appreciate your kindness and support, dear sister.

Yes, violence in relationships is very common in Pakistan and other Asian countries but believe me it is a very common problem in both east and west part of the world. Not only, women but rarely men are also victims.

Great to hear that the wedding of your sister in law went well. I too love to wear Saree, I also have worn it, twice or thrice times in my life.

But I find it difficult to handle especially when you are wearing high

Thanks for sharing it with me, dear sister

Blessings and Love

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

@Amara: Thanks for joining my hand here, dear sister. I appreciate your support. Yes, Sadly, violence is a very common issue of society.

It needs to be discussed in order to stop it— much Gratitude

Blessings and Peace

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on April 17, 2021:


Thank you.

Unfortunately her children, at least one of them still lives at home.

Suffering from the same abuse she feels very shy and not at all powerful.

It is sad, but i honestly dont think they can make it on their own.

gyanendra mocktan from Kathmandu,Nepal on April 17, 2021:

You are going to get well soon

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

@Tanmoy: Haha— thanks a lot for your kindness and support. Your beautiful comment. It spread smile on my face. I have not seen “The Dark Knight Rises" but yes I searched for the character you mentioned Miranda Tate and found it interesting. Thanks a lot for the kind compliment.

Yes, this is a global issue and it needs to be addressed. I wish if someone can get any benefit from my article. I would be much more than happy to be a source of happiness in someone’s life. I believe Domestic violence and violence in relationships must end as to get respected is every individual right (both male and female) . Doesn’t matter if there is no Love in relationship, but respect should remain.

Peace and Blessings

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

Sorry everyone. I am late in responding to everyone here, I am having High fever and am fasting too. For this I apologise. I will be responding soon

Blessings and Peace to all

gyanendra mocktan from Kathmandu,Nepal on April 17, 2021:

Misbah, your article is a timely one for me. I will send this article to a person who will benefit much from it.

Thank you again.

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 17, 2021:

@Brenda: I feel very sorry for the person you mentioned is suffering from Violence in relationship for the last 26 years and deals with it daily as they say the wound given by a sword can heal but the wound created by harsh words can't heal. Such relationships do make the person feel like they are inferior and cannot do anything in life without their partner. As you mentioned she stayed with him because of their children. I wish her children can help her to get of this trauma.

Thanks for sharing. It's important to create awareness.

Blessings to you and to the lady as well

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on April 17, 2021:

Misbah violence in relationships are of no respect and no concern to another person. I sometimes wonder why do such individuals still want to stay with the violent person. Your points are useful and most informative on this problem.

Iqra from East County on April 16, 2021:

Your search about the violence between men and women is quite right. In Asia, this issue is growing and has become a common issue. Misbah you have done very good sharing. Thanks

EK Jadoon from Abbottabad Pakistan on April 16, 2021:


Misbah, you have done a great job. And I completely agree with you that when somebody wants to be violent–reasons don't matter. Awareness is important.

In my opinion, here in Pakistan, violence is a voluntary action for men. For women, it becomes involuntary when it comes to men's crucial behaviour. Thanks for adding in my knowledge. And wedding went well. I wore 'Sarhee' for the first time in the wedding. LOL.

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 16, 2021:

@Vidya: Thanks a lot for your very kind response. Yes, I also think these cases need to be discussed. Domestic violence should be stopped. It's not only women who suffers but a few men also are the victims of Violence created by women. The ratio of violent women are less, but it do exist. Sadly, the bitter truth of our society

I appreciate your thoughts and opinions.

Much Gratitude

Peace and Love

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 16, 2021:

@Pamela: Thanks a lot for your kind response and Appreciation. I respect your opinions. Ofcourse you know it much better than me. You are an experienced person. I agree in some cases men are victims and women are violent but as you said these cases are very rare.

Blessings and Love

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 16, 2021:

@Peggy: Yes, I Agree with Mr.Bill and you as well that this topic is uncomfortable. But as you said it should be addressed as well. The act of Violence can never bring love and peace in society. This is so discouraging for many young females. When they witness such brutal acts, they fear to get into a relationship. And the ones who are already bearing it and remain silent for some reasons. They are the victims and they really need to be supported.

Thanks for the appreciation and encouragement-- Much appreciated-- Gratitude

Sending you lots of Love and Blessings

Amara from Pakistan on April 16, 2021:

Misbah it is a very well written, informative and interesting article. And a very common issue of society, which need to be addressed.

Thanks for sharing it, dear sis.. Salam..

Hegel from 26.3452° N, 89.4482° E on April 16, 2021:

A very thorough article. You have many insights to share. You are so lovely, I am amazed that this type of erudite writings could come from you. You are like Miranda Tate (performed by Marion Cotillard) of the film "The Dark Knight Rises".

You are doing a very good job by these psychologically directed literary works: People, from our (Southeast Asia) region, may find these works of yours, via Google, and get benefited. Your work is truly global as well.

Happiness, peace and blessings to you, and to everyone. :~)

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 16, 2021:

Thanks a lot, Ravi. I Agree and respect your opinion. Thanks for the support

Blessings always

Misbah Sheikh (author) from — This Existence Is Only an Illusion on April 16, 2021:

@Mr.Bill, I highly appreciate your support--- and I respect your opinion. Yes, even in the modern society no matter if it's east or west. Our society is still suffering from Violence in relationships. I know, Sir this topic is something people don't like to talk about. But this is also a reason behind our sufferings. Thanks for supporting me. As you said the topic is uncomfortable but it should be discussed. It really need to.

Much Gratitude

Higher Blessings

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on April 16, 2021:


Violence is a real thing. It is often kept hidden for women are ashamed to tell anyone that they are being mistreated.

Even in other forms rather than striking them.

I know someone who has been married for like 26 years who deals with this daily.

He doesn't hit her, but puts her down by calling her the worse names. Telling her she is nothing.

She stayed for years because of their children, and I suppose now she is just too scared to try living on her own.

She hasn't worked outside if the house in years.

I wish we could stop the violence.

I wish women could know the signs before it happens.

But there is no excuse for this violence. It is cowardly.

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on April 16, 2021:

This is a good article about violence with men and women, Misbah. You list some good reasons why women don't get out of those abusive relationships when they should get out. It seems to be a control issue in many cases.

As an RN I sat on a domestic abuse council many years ago, and there were rarely women abusing, but it did happen. I don't think we understand all the reasons behind abuse, but mental health is probably a factor.

I wrote an article a couple of years ago about abuse in teenage dating, so it can start quite young. Thanks for sharing this information.


VIDYA D SAGAR on April 16, 2021:

A very enlightening article Misbah. Many women suffer so many atrocities and indignities silently which emboldens the perpetrators. Most of the times the women bear it all for fear of social stigma, for the love of their children and as you rightly mentioned, hoping that things would improve one day. It's a sorry state of affairs. In spite if so much advancement and progress violence in relationships still continues. Such topics are needed to increase awareness of the situation women face because of it.Thanks for sharing.

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on April 16, 2021:

As Bill wrote, this may be an uncomfortable topic, but one that should be addressed. Violence against women happens all too often in our society. Thanks for shedding some light on this topic.

Ravi Rajan from Mumbai on April 16, 2021:

This is an eye opening topic and unfortunately the truth in so many countries. Irrespective of gender ( yes even men ) ,the issue mainly stems from insecurity and the need of one partner to gain control over the other. Thanks for sharing.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on April 16, 2021:

It is an uncomfortable topic, I'm afraid. Still, to this modern day, violence is often not talked about, or "swept under the rug," just as it was decades ago when I was younger. I'm afraid it's an epidemic in the U.S., and articles like this one at least bring the topic into the light of day and force contemplation and discussion.

Well done, my friend, and blessings always!

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