Andrea is a dating consultant who gives people advice on relationships and couple stuff. She's also a fan of traveling the world.
INFJ + INTJ in a Romantic Pairing
INFJ tends to date ENFP, INTP, and INTJ. They all have their pros and cons. But where INFJ can soar without compromise will be with the INTJ.
INFJ and INTJ have three preferences in common: they love intuition, introversion, and judging. They separate at feeling and thinking; the INFJ has far more social charisma. It can almost annoy the INFJ how the INTJ lacks charisma in some situations. The INTJ, on the hand, has super genius powers at logic and can solve just about any puzzle presented to them. INTJ might have a meltdown if they can't get something to rationalize and fall into order.
The two together can grow old and mature through life's events if they so choose. It will help if they're a little older and have rounded themselves out a little bit before dating. INFJ and INTJ if they tried dating when young might find they're too different at first -- to young would be teens and early 20s.
At that age, INFJ will likely be experimenting with growing their secondary function of feeling while INTJ is working on thinking. This can be really clashy, but as they grow older they'll actually be more similar. They'll find comfort each in about their mid to late 20s.
Empathy Vs. Logic
The NF Family
INFJ is part of the family of intuitive feelers including ENFP, ENFJ, and INFP. This group of personalities are as a whole: empathetic, they look to other people before making decisions, they're smart, kind, approachable, and often creative -- especially the INFP.
All four want to make the world a better place and are consciously thinking about the feelings of others. Each person in this group is a little odd, they stand out in a crowd, and they can connect with people easily, even the introverted INFJ and INFP. They want the world and the way people are moving about it to be more aware. They disagree with a lot of the ways that things are going right now. They believe you should treat your neighbor as yourself.
The NF family tend to be open minded, expressive, and considerate. INFJ is often paired with ENFP as the ultimate romantic pair; however, for both the INFJ and ENFP, they'll invariably be missing some of the logic that helps ground them.
The NT Family
INTJ belongs to the family of introverted thinkers and logicians. This includes: ENTP, ENTJ, and INTP. They are some of the most brilliant minds. They can look at any series of patterns in the practical, grounded world and come up with a conclusion with rocket speed accuracy. INTP is considered the smartest personality out of all of Myers Briggs. INTJ is considered the second biggest brainiac. Of course, either the INTP or INTJ could out smart the other.
The difference between them? The way their personality functions are stacked. INTP is dominated by introverted thinking and then extroverted intuition, introverted sensing, and then extroverted feeling. INTP's lack of emotional development would put a damper on the sweet INFJ even though the intellectual charisma would make for a powerful match.
INTJ is dominated by (1) introverted intuition then (2) extroverted thinking, (3) introverted feeling, and lastly (4) extroverted sensing.
INFJ is fairly similar to INTJ. The middle functions are flipped. INFJ is dominated by (1) introverted intuition, (2) extroverted feeling, (3) introverted thinking, and lastly (4) extroverted sensing.
The feeling and thinking expression in Myers Briggs probably wasn't the best terminology to use when it was created. Just because your feeling preference is lower doesn't mean you don't have emotions or can't read people -- but you are less likely to make decisions based on how others feel. Someone who prefers thinking over feeling is someone who looks to patterns and makes decisions off the content. Also, someone with a higher preference for feeling isn't an idiot. They just come to decisions in a different way. Both can get to the same conclusions.
Similar but with a Twist
Both INFJ and INTJ struggle with extroverted sensing and can kind of leave behind the physical world in its tracks. Even though they both have a preference for J, they can still be somewhat messy, cluttered, and aloof. Think professors with untied shoes.
Both INFJ and INTJ need to spend more effort on:
- Having body awareness. Both can be clumsy.
- Engaging in their fives senses and not just being in their heads
- Paying attention to their needs from hunger, thirst, to sleep
- Setting boundaries so people don't take advantage of them. People like to overuse both of these personalities, which can lead to burnout and hurt emotions.
Fortunately, INFJ and INTJ can run on the same mental speed. They're on a similar wavelength, and they can help round each other out. They're both attracted to each other because they offer something different. INFJ tires of their intense sensitive world. INTJ tires of their intense rationalized world -- whether either of these two will admit that is up for debate.
INFJ fills a gap for INTJ and in a polite way that's not too overwhelming. INTJ needs help expanding their heart space and learning about emotions. The INFJ can use their secondary trait to speak to the INTJ's tertiary trait of introverted feeling. The same goes for the INTJ filling a void for the INFJ.
Even though the INFJ is smart, they don't always have the most perfect fit when it comes to logic. They're great at the abstract, the imaginative, and with big long term vision ideas. They may do something odd like make substitutes for something rather than actually get the correct piece put into a puzzle -- like instead of installing new doorknobs, they may stick an object in the door that's convenient. INTJ comes along and gives some of their extroverted thinking expertise to the INFJ introverted thinking.
Dominated by Intuition
It's really good in Myers Briggs for partners to share from their experiences from the middle rather than jumping from people's most powerful gifting to their lesser gifting. For instance, someone who is dominated with feeling is going to have a hard time with someone who has feeling as their least developed quality. This becomes too complicated to share, and people get hurt because they get misunderstood too easily. It's easier sharing from the middle, and it's easier when you have the same dominate gifting. Two people dominated by intuition are in good shape -- two people dominated by intuition and with the same expression, introverted, are in really good shape. This is why INFJ + INTJ works so well.
This coupling overall is highly balanced. It's good when two people from the Myers Briggs personality chart are more similar than different. Difference creates tension and confusion. It's hard for two people to be on the same page when they're priorities are so naturally different.
Also, people with introverted intuition, though they are very smart, are also often misunderstood. Having two people with this quirk can make for a resounding difference -- for two people romantically it could fill a void that no one else ever came close to filling. Having the same preference can be helpful, and it's also nice to have someone with a slight bit of change. INFJ and INTJ will like each other more than if they were matched with someone with the exact same personality. (Identity relationships are too much similarity and become boring more oft then not.)
INFJ will encourage INTJ to explore more of their heart space, to mature their emotions, to be more creative, to allow themselves to be free; meanwhile, INTJ will encourage INFJ to apply themselves more in the real world and round out their ideas for the best conclusions and decisions.
- These two will get along in fascinating ways that can often transcend what other people expect out of a relationship.
- Together they will be able to complete more than what they previously imagined possible.
- They will likely share common interests and be able to amplify what they already know.
- INTJ may have a plethora of books for INFJ to read, tools to help INFJ finish projects, or kitchen gear to help make cakes and other treats.
- INFJ may have a whole host of ideas that could help replenish the INTJ.
- INFJ tends to be more spiritual and INTJ tends to be less spiritual -- together they kind of balance each other out. It can be challenging to always be in a spiritual place -- or to be without.
A Last Look at This Pairing
INFJ types look for relationships that can grow and be meaningful. INTJ types look for relationships that feel like a meeting of the minds. INTJ puts a lot of emphasis on an intellectual connection. Their relationships often start in the mind, not the heart.
But INFJ will demand for a stronger emotional and spiritual bond, so INTJ should prepare for that.
INFJ wants to do what's best for people. The INFJ is the most driven of the bunch toward morals and ethics. Meanwhile, INTJ asks -- does this make sense? Again, when an INTJ can't make sense of something they lose it. It's pretty common that a child INTJ will have a meltdown over something completely inane that doesn't work. INFJ will be there to help them overcome situations that defy logic -- because not everything fits into pretty little boxes nor ends in nice tied up conclusions.
The INTJ may appear cold to the INFJ sometimes. It may baffle them when the INTJ doesn't care about something in the way that the INFJ thinks the person should. The INFJ may look at the INTJ and wonder -- is this person I'm with a psychopath? Probably not. In fact, they may just be ordinary while you have a certain charm and magnetism to help others. INFJ, if you are reading this -- you have double sensitivity.
You could learn from INTJ to not be as selfless and to care for yourself more. For you to grow and be bigger so you can do more -- and to actually be able to take care of others more efficiently. INFJ needs to learn to put the mask on first when the airplane is crashing before helping someone else put on their mask. You need to help yourself first or you're not available to help another.
Some of the common ways INTJ gets to conclusions:
- Making spreadsheets (does he refer to himself as the Excel Wizard?)
- Writing things down
- Organizing collections / libraries / DVDS / videos games
- Repetitive action
- Troubleshooting errors
- Getting way too upset
- Doing puzzles
INFJ gets to conclusions by:
- Drawing words all over the place, circling them, underlining them, crossing them out
- Procrastination / withholding / delaying / getting to it when it feels more meaningful
- Writing it down
- Meditation / prayer / yoga / peaceful time by self
- Creative exploration: painting / writing / dancing / pottery / making food
- Calling friends and family, connecting with others
- Building a life for epiphanies
Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on December 01, 2020:
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback.
Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on November 30, 2020:
Interesting article. Well presented.