Andrea is a dating consultant who gives people advice on relationships and couple stuff. She's also a fan of traveling the world.
INFJ and INTJ in a Romantic Pairing
INFJs tend to date ENFPs, INTPs, and INTJs. They each have their pros and cons, but where an INFJ can soar without compromise is with an INTJ.
INFJs and INTJs have three preferences in common: intuition, introversion, and judging. They separate at feeling and thinking; the INFJ has far more social charisma—in fact, the INTJ's lack of charisma in some situations can almost annoy the INFJ.
The INTJ, on the other hand, has super-genius logic powers and can solve just about any puzzle presented to them. An INTJ might have a meltdown if they can't rationalize something and establish order.
Together, the two can grow old and mature together through life's events if they so choose. It will help if they're a little older and have rounded themselves out a little before dating. If an INFJ and INTJ try dating each other when young, they might find they're too different at first (too young would be teens and early 20s).
At that age, an INFJ will likely be experimenting with growing their secondary function of feeling while the INTJ is working on thinking. This can be really "clashy," but as they grow older, they'll actually be more similar. They'll find comfort in each other in about their mid-to-late 20s.
Empathy vs. Logic
Here is a breakdown of how the NF and NT families operate and the functions that dominate them.
The NF Family: Empathetic, Intuitive, and Consciensous
INFJ is part of the family of intuitive feelers, including ENFP, ENFJ, and INFP. This group of personalities are as a whole empathetic; they look to other people before making decisions. They're smart, kind, approachable, and often creative—especially the INFP.
All four want to make the world a better place and are consciously thinking about the feelings of others. Each person in this group is a little odd; they stand out in a crowd and connect with people easily, even the introverted INFJ and INFP. They want the world and the people moving about it to be more aware. They disagree with many things that are going on right now and believe you should treat your neighbor as yourself.
Members of the NF family tend to be open-minded, expressive, and considerate. The INFJ is often paired with the ENFP as the ultimate romantic pair; however, for both the INFJ and ENFP, they'll invariably be missing some of the logic that helps ground them.
The NT Family: Introverted, Logical, and Brilliant
INTJ belongs to the family of introverted thinkers and logicians. This includes ENTP, ENTJ, and INTP. They are some of the most brilliant minds. They can look at any series of patterns in the practical, grounded world and come to a conclusion with rocket-speed accuracy.
INTP is considered the smartest out of all of Myers–Briggs personality types. INTJ is considered the second-biggest brainiac. Of course, either the INTP or INTJ could outsmart the other.
What's the difference between them? It's in the way their personality functions are stacked. An INTP is dominated by introverted thinking and then extroverted intuition, introverted sensing, and extroverted feeling. An INTP's lack of emotional development would put a damper on the sweet INFJ even though the intellectual charisma would make for a powerful match.
INTJ is dominated by:
- Introverted intuition
- Extroverted thinking
- Introverted feeling
- Extroverted sensing
INFJ is fairly similar to INTJ, but the middle functions are flipped.
INFJ is dominated by:
- Introverted intuition
- Extroverted feeling
- Introverted thinking
- Extroverted sensing
The "feeling" and "thinking" expression in Myers–Briggs probably wasn't the best terminology to use when it was created. Just because your feeling preference is lower doesn't mean you don't have emotions or can't read people—but you are less likely to make decisions based on how others feel.
Someone who prefers thinking over feeling is someone who looks to patterns and makes decisions off the content. Also, someone with a higher preference for feeling isn't an idiot. They just come to decisions in a different way. Both can reach the same conclusions.
INFJs and INTJs Are Similar but With a Twist
Both INFJs and INTJs struggle with extroverted sensing and can kind of leave behind the physical world. Even though they both have a preference for J, they can still be somewhat messy, cluttered, and aloof—think professors with untied shoes.
Both INFJs and INTJs need to spend more effort on:
- Having body awareness (both can be clumsy)
- Engaging in their five senses and not just being in their heads
- Paying attention to their hunger, thirst, and sleep needs
- Setting boundaries so people don't take advantage of them (people like to overuse both of these personalities, which can lead to burnout and hurt emotions)
Fortunately, INFJs and INTJs can run on the same mental speed. They're on a similar wavelength, and they can help round each other out. They're attracted to each other because they each offer something different. INFJs tire of their intense, sensitive world. INTJs tire of their intense, rationalized world—whether either of these two will admit it is up for debate.
INFJs fill a gap for INTJs in a polite way that's not too overwhelming. INTJs need help to expand their heart space and learn about emotions. The INFJ can use their secondary trait to speak to the INTJ's tertiary trait of introverted feeling. The same goes for the INTJ filling a void for the INFJ.
Even though the INFJ is smart, they don't always have the most perfect fit when it comes to logic. They're great at the abstract, the imaginative, and with big, long-term vision ideas. They may do something odd like make substitutes for something rather than actually get the correct piece put into a puzzle—like instead of installing new doorknobs, they may stick an object in the door that's convenient. An INTJ comes along and lends some of their extroverted thinking expertise to the INFJ's introverted thinking.
Two Personality Types Dominated by Intuition
It's really good in Myers-Briggs for partners to share their experiences from the middle rather than jumping from people's most powerful gifting to their lesser gifting. For instance, someone who is dominated by feeling is going to have a hard time with someone who has feeling as their least developed quality.
This becomes too complicated to share, and people get hurt because they are misunderstood too easily. It's easier sharing from the middle, and it's easier when you have the same dominant gifting. Two people dominated by intuition are in good shape—two people dominated by intuition and with the same expression, introverted, are in really good shape. This is why the combination of INFJ and INTJ works so well.
This coupling overall is highly balanced. It's good when two people from the Myers-Briggs personality chart have more similarities than differences. Differences create tension and confusion. It's hard for two people to be on the same page when their priorities are so naturally different.
Also, people with introverted intuition, though they are very smart, are also often misunderstood. Having two people with this quirk can make for a resounding difference—romantically, it could fill a void that no one else has ever come close to filling.
Having the same preference can be helpful, and it's also nice to have someone with a slight bit of change. INFJs and INTJs will like each other more than if they were matched with someone with the exact same personality. (Identity relationships are too much similarity and become boring more often than not.)
An INFJ will encourage an INTJ to explore more of their heart space, mature their emotions, be more creative, and allow themselves to be free; meanwhile, an INTJ will encourage an INFJ to apply themselves more in the real world and round out their ideas for the best conclusions and decisions.
- These two will get along in fascinating ways that can often transcend what other people expect out of a relationship.
- Together, they will be able to accomplish more than what they previously imagined possible.
- They will likely share common interests and be able to amplify what they already know.
- INTJs may have a plethora of books for INFJs to read, tools to help INFJs finish projects, or kitchen gear to help make cakes and other treats.
- An INFJ may have a whole host of ideas that could help replenish the INTJ.
- An INFJ tends to be more spiritual, and an INTJ tends to be less spiritual—together, they kind of balance each other out. It can be challenging to always be in a spiritual place—or to be without.
A Last Look at This Pairing
INFJs look for relationships that can grow and be meaningful. INTJs look for relationships that feel like a meeting of the minds. INTJs put a lot of emphasis on an intellectual connection. Their relationships often start in the mind, not the heart.
But INFJs will demand a stronger emotional and spiritual bond, so INTJs should prepare for that.
An INFJ wants to do what's best for people. The INFJ is the most driven of the bunch toward morals and ethics. Meanwhile, the INTJ asks—does this make sense? Again, when an INTJ can't make sense of something, they lose it.
Commonly, a child INTJ will have a meltdown over something completely inane that doesn't work. The INFJ will be there to help them overcome situations that defy logic because not everything fits into pretty little boxes nor ends in nice tied-up conclusions.
The INTJ may appear cold to the INFJ sometimes. It may baffle them when the INTJ doesn't care about something in the way that the INFJ thinks the person should. The INFJ may look at the INTJ and wonder—is this person I'm with a psychopath? Probably not. In fact, they may just be ordinary while you have a certain charm and magnetism to help others. INFJ—if you are reading this, you have double sensitivity.
You could learn from the INTJ to not be as selfless and to care for yourself more so that you can grow and be bigger and do more—and so that you can actually be able to take care of others more efficiently. INFJs need to learn to put the mask on first when the airplane is crashing before helping someone else put on their mask. You need to help yourself first, or you're not available to help someone else.
The Decision-Making Process: INTJs vs. INFJs
Drawing and circling/underlining/crossing out words
Procrastination/withholding/delaying tasks until they feel more meaningful
Writing things down
Writing it down
Meditation/prayer/yoga/peaceful alone time
Creative exploration: painting/writing/dancing/pottery/cooking
Calling friends and family; connecting with others
Getting way too upset
Building a life for epiphanies
Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on December 01, 2020:
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback.
Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on November 30, 2020:
Interesting article. Well presented.