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I Have A Love- Hate Relationship With Procrastination

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Ashley is a teenager who'd like to share her experiences with others. She likes writing, cooking, and fitness.

Why I Procrastinate

Procrastination brings me momentary relief. At that instant, of course avoiding the dreaded tasks that are endlessly piled in front of me is what I'm craving. However, in the long run, it actually does not benefit me at all. We all know that procrastination is bad, yet we all do it on a daily basis. I always ended up disregarding this fact, and invariably come back to this coping skill time after time again. I plop myself right in front of the computer and open up YouTube, where I can spend countless hours watching video after video.

In the blink of an eye, hours have passed. I panic, yet my eyes still stayed glued on the screen of the video. I anxiously continue watching and watching until my laptop dies. Even then, I'm still looking for excuses. With my dead laptop sitting in front of me, I desperately look for something, anything to do, other than my responsibilities I had promised myself I would get to.


For as long as I could remember, my favorite pastime would be procrastinating until the last minute- continuously putting off a project or assignment for the next day, and then the next, and the next. Until, wait- oh God, it's due today. I stress myself out a terrifying amount. I routinely do a careless job on my homework, the reasoning behind each answer making no sense. Even though I finish it at the last second, I still feel like a failure. What could have been a great assignment that demonstrated my knowledge and understanding in math or physics turned into a monstrosity, practically a splurge of nonsense in which I knew, and the teacher knew, was B.S.

Feeling Guilty

I knew that it was wrong to always choose fun over responsibility, yet I kept doing it day after day. In truth, I enjoyed the panic and rush I felt when I had to get something done last minute- whether it be for school or even for my friends and family. I procrastinated to take my mind off of the world momentarily- I simply just could not think about the things I was obligated to do, the work I had to put in. I did not know how to combat this horrible feeling that engulfed me, so I just gave in and let it.

I envied my friends who were always on top of their tasks. I wished I could be like them, but I was lacking the one thing that they all had- discipline and diligence. It took a while to realize, but I now know that pretty much nobody can effortlessly excel in life- success is all based on the work and practice one puts into their interests.

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How I'm Thinking Recently

Ever since the pandemic hit, I've struggled with staying still. At the beginning of my quarantined life, I would sit around every day. I looked forward to absolutely nothing. I had no interest in anything that went on. My world was torn apart. Every day was the same thing- I got used to feeling sluggish and useless.

I have no idea what clicked in my head, but I was tired of feeling tired all the time. One day, I suddenly just jumped up and told myself that I would just do one good thing. And so I did. I still remember it- the feeling of accomplishment felt so good, but I needed more. The more I experienced it, the more I wanted more and more of it. My thoughts were consumed with perfectionistic ideas- everything had to be executed absolutely flawlessly to finally sit down and rest. The feeling of achievement was gratifying, and it soon turned into an addiction. Slowly, my priorities changed and I wanted to feel like that all the time.

When online school started, I promised myself that I would work my ass off. I pushed myself- until it became almost too much. I began to feel that same feeling of worthlessness, but why? I was being productive, keeping myself constantly busy. I didn't talk to anyone, and instead focused on my tasks at hand. I was so wrapped up in my work in fact, that my mental health began to deteriorate even more so. I was so aggravated at this fact, still convinced I wasn't doing enough. No matter what I did, it was definitely not nearly as much as Sally or Michael or Brenda. I was starting to feel tired again, losing my motivation once more. I hated that I could not complete every single thing I had planned to, but at the same time, there wasn't much that I could've done about it anyways.


Whichever One You're Struggling With, You Aren't Alone

Whether it's procrastinating on school work or over- loading your schedules with tasks and things to get to, know that I've been there too. There is a fine line of balance between doing nothing, and doing too much. Unfortunately, it is terribly hard to find an in- between. If you're anything like me, one step too far results tumbling in an unhealthy direction.


Ranchy on August 22, 2021:

Procrastination my beloved but i also hate you :D

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