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Hidden Motives: INFJ and Narcissist

Toxic Relationships


INFJ: Narcissistic Partners

One can only imagine what it is like to be in a toxic relationship. Most of the time you are blinded by the false image they are showing you. Using the Myers Briggs personality test, I learned that I am considered an INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging). My function stacks consist of :

Dominant: Introverted Intuition (Ni)

Auxiliary: Extraverted Feeling (Fe)

Tertiary: Introverted Thinking (Ti)

Inferior: Extraverted Sensing (Se)

Based on these functions is how I gather information and come to conclusions of the information I process. I am not going to go into too much detail about the function, but with these functions makes INFJs a rare breed and highly sensitive people. But there is a darker side to this personality too so just because one is sensitive does not make them weak. This group is also a target for toxic relationships, I had my fair share of them and it took a long time to realize it and fix the real issue.

Narcissistic means having an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement. Being and INFJ I am always able to see the best in people and so eager to help and fix their problems in anyway I can. When you meet a narcissistic person, one will not see this at first but the signs are there. This person will be charming and flattering at first, they will make you a priority in their life but this is the set up of the game. Once they are sure they have you then the mask starts to fall off and they start putting you down and making everything your fault. INFJs have high standards but since we value harmony over conflict we can go against these beliefs just to keep the peace. This is something a narcissist will recognize and take full advantage. I know I hold high standards for loyalty and yes I have been in relationships where this was broken and I stayed in hopes of fixing or changing them. I would put their needs over my own and even when I would try to pursue my goals I would get blamed for being selfish which caused me to feel guilty. This cycle would go on over a span of years. Once I learned about my personality and functions, it opened me up to self awareness.

Being self aware is valuable and if one does not become self aware then change can never happen. INFJs are considered introverts and require time alone to process information they received throughout their day. Being in a relationship with a narcissist this alone time is viewed as antisocial or selfish. We are not ones that really love small talk, I found this interesting because I would want to talk to the person I was with all the time yet I knew I hated most of the topics we discussed. This was me trying to prove my love and loyalty to keep harmony in the relationship. But I must be honest I do not like talking on the phone unless it’s someone I can have serious conversations with and with a partner I would rather speak to them in person and not over the phone. This is due to the fact that I am always thinking in my head and INFJs have a creative imagination. When we go to this place in our heads reality is not something we want to come back to right away. When my phone rings this can interrupt me from being in my imagination and causes anxiety. This is also an opportunity for narcissistic to charm you and although INFJ can see hidden motives of others due to our extroverted feeling. This function means we as INFJs are able to absorb others feelings so being on the phone of a narcissist we can be easily deceive us.

Once they are able to get us under their spell it can become difficult for us to break free. This is due to our need to want to help and keep harmony in the relationship. But don’t get me wrong, once we hit our limit we are very capable of breaking this cycle. This is called the Door Slam. Being INFJ, we can actually nothing a person that threatens our values. And once we can see there's no fixing a narcissist we can and will take extreme measures to protect our hearts. Learning more about my personality, I learned to listen more to my dominant function. So when I meet guys, I pay attention to what I don’t see and be true to my values up front. For instance no I do not speak on the phone and if a guy cannot respect that of me then I move on. Now I do let them know we can meet in person and talk then this helps me see the person for who they really are.

In conclusion, being self aware is important and learning more about my personality is helping me become a healthy INFJ especially when it comes to toxic relationships. I encourage people to learn more about their type so they can not only see their strengths but also know their weaknesses and work to improve.


Tiffany Payne (author) from Dallas TX on March 11, 2020:

Oh no but I will look into it

Kathryn Collins from UK on March 11, 2020:

Wow, this is such a great definition of a narcissist: Narcissistic means having an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.

Have you ever looked into Elaine Aron (HSP?)