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Andrew Jackson: Proof that Insanity Gets You Far in Life

Andrew Jackson may be mainly known as the guy on the $20 bill to most people. However, Jackson was a man of many unlikely triumphs that were, let's face it, undeserved. This article is meant to detail some of the most bat guano insane things that Andy J did.

Andrew Jackson, 7th President of the United States

Andrew Jackson, 7th President of the United States

Wartime Services

At the ripe old age of 13 years old, Jackson got involved in the American Revolution. Of course, being 13, he was captured and taken as a prisoner of war. He was eventually released.

Although he may have fumbled in the Revolutionary War, he quickly rose up the ranks in the army when he actually became of age. He was a leading general in the War of 1812. America was doing fairly crap during this war, and they even let those English rapscallions burn down the White House. However, there were some key victories for the Americans. One of the best victories was a Jackson-led army in 1815 in the Battle of New Orleans. The British and the Americans fought in the city and on the hills, and although the Americans were outnumbered, they defeated the British greatly. As a sidenote, 6 men mutinied at this battle. Like any good general, Andrew Jackson had them killed on the spot. Now, this whole victory may seem great, right? Well, the caveat is that the battle technically happened after the war had ended. Correspondence hadn't reached either side yet, so Jackson's key victory in the "war" was really just unnecessary, much like the many other things the man has done. Things worked out for Andrew, though, because he was heralded as a war hero.


Horsie Business

After the war and before his political career, Jackson lived on a farm with his family. He neighbored a fellow farmer, and all was going well. Well, all was going well until they started debating over their horses. Debate is being used lightly here, because the two men got so riled up that they agreed to a duel. Jackson was seemingly screwed here because although his neighbor was a horse farmer, he was also a sharpshooter. Jackson, being ballsy, told him to shoot first. Imagine his surprise when the sharpshooter shot Jackson straight in the chest. Rather than drop dead like any normal human being, Jackson staggered back a bit, waited, caught his breath, and stood back up straight and shot his opponent in the head. He lived several decades after this with the bullet stuck in him. In the 1800s.

First Run for President

Jackson decided that he needed to get into politics. Not for any reason, except the fact that he thought he was going to die sooner rather than later. So, naturally, he attempted to immediately go for the Oval Office. His main political rival was John Quincy Adams, who was a mopey depressed man who barely even wanted the office. Of course, Jackson lost. This didn't stop him from claiming that the election was rigged and bought and he spent the entirety of the Adams presidency campaigning.

Presidency

Jackson successfully secured the presidency in the next election, considering that John Quincy Adams literally did nothing. Now that he was president, he did many great acts, the least of which being giving governmental positions away to whoever payed. This, of course, ended in $1 million being stolen from the national treasury.

Jackson had 2 misplaced hatred in his presidency: the National Bank and the American Indians. Why, you may ask? Pure delusion!

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The National Bank was vetoed by Jackson, which was one of the biggest controversies at the time.


Jackson sponsored and signed the Indian Removal Act into law. At this point, Indian nations were recognized as semi-sovereign nations in the eyes of the United States. Because of this, the Supreme Court ruled that Jackson couldn't displace the Indians. Jackson's response was "John Marshall has made his decision. Now, let him enforce it." He caused the Trail of Tears with this disobedience, and the shockwaves it sent through American politics were immeasurable.


Late Presidency

Surprisingly, Jackson was loved by most people. So it was a surprise when some insane man decided to try and assassinate him by dual-wielding pistols. The pistols miraculously (or unfortunately) jammed, which was a less than 1%. Jackson, being the crazed legend he is, started beating this assassin to near death with his wooden cane.

Jackson eventually left the office, as presidents do. He's quoted as saying "I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun." Henry Clay was his main political rival in the Senate at the time and Calhoun was his vice president. I'd feel bad for Calhoun if he weren't a raging Southerner racist for having a boss that literally wanted to kill him.

The craziness doesn't end there. The last day of his presidency, Jackson threw a wild party and imported a cheesewheel the size of the room. This was consumed rather quickly and the incoming President van Buren said that the White House smelled like cheese for months.

Jackson as an old fart.

Jackson as an old fart.

© 2022 Matthew Dragonas

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