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Colorful Euphemisms for Fellow Hubbers

Theophanes is a New-England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of cats.


If you are easily offended or don't like the use of euphemisms to describe body parts please find your way to the back button. There are fluffier hubs for you out there and this isn't one of them. Thanks.

How I feel on many days... just try me!

How I feel on many days... just try me!

The Problem

So, it has come to my attention that in my satirical Hubs I have a tendency to swear... which was my first problem. These Hubs have been up for years but when I recently went to improve them I got warnings that my ads had been disabled on them with no explanation. I went back and edited out all the petty swearing and voila! My Hubs had their advertisements back but I was not happy. As a writer I find this a form of censorship and saying I can't swear just makes me want to rattle off curses that even a drunken sailor couldn't think of.

The problem got worse... I like to write articles about reproductive matters. You know, things like Nature's Most Extreme Dads , Pop! Goes the Speculum and Other Gynecological Horror Stories, and Killer Tampons - Society's Least Suspected Weapons of Womanly Destruction. Well! Every time I went to edit one of these they also said I couldn't have ads... something about uttering the mysterious V word. The V word never seemed to be allowed although I could sometimes get away with the off reference to male genitalia but not anymore! Now I've been caught making an off-color joke about King Tut's missing royal jerky. I have to say royal jerky you see, because the p word isn't allowed either. Not anymore! Apparently Google must have HubPages by the balls because these are new and increasingly restrictive "improvements."

So I have voluntarily disabled ads on this Hub. Consider it an act of public service. I just felt the word needed to get out...

The Solution

In cases of satire colorful euphemisms can be a girl's (or guy's) best friend. I know these things would sound silly in dry medical literature, for which I am sorry, but for us who are all about bending rules I am going to help you out a bit. It's time to give the filters a run for their money.

The wisdom of chickens..

The wisdom of chickens..

Euphemisms for the distracting P word

(And no, I am not going to bother putting these in alphabetical order. Sorry.)

  • One-Eyed Trouser Trout
  • Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile
  • Cockasaurus Rex
  • Pocket Pistol
  • Weapon of Ass Destruction
  • Peter
  • Johnson
  • Roger
  • Willie
  • Winky
  • Tobias the Cheeky Monkey
  • Milk-Spitting Tunnel Ferret
  • Beaver Cleaver
  • Meat Thermometer
  • Divining Rod
  • Little Dictator
  • Muff Marauder
  • Bald-Headed Giggle Stick
  • Spelunker
  • Pleasure Pistol
  • Beastus Maximus
  • The Bald Avenger
  • Ding-a-ling
  • Love Weasal
  • Pocket Otter
  • Albino Cave-Dweller
  • Purple-Headed Meat Scepter
  • Zipper Ripper
  • Yogurt Shooter
  • Pelvis Thumb
  • The Pink Oboe
  • One-Eyed Charlie and the Stink Twins (because you can't forget the twins!)
  • Flapdoodle
  • Excaliber
  • Danger the One-Eyed Ranger
  • Cattle Prod (fer all yous farm boys)
  • Buster McThunder Stick
  • 100% All Beef Thermometer
  • Pig in a Blanket
  • Quarter Pounder With Cheese
  • Red Hot Galloping Snot Pump (because who wouldn't want one of those)
  • Rosy Red Reproductive Rod
  • Rumpleforskin
  • Silly Willy's Stick of Mayham
  • Cawk
  • OK I have to stop here - you guys have been naming your willies for so long that the list could go on for pages!

The Best 8th Grade Ditty EVER

Rat torpedoes... it's like they can moon you twice!

Rat torpedoes... it's like they can moon you twice!

Euphemisms for the other Dangly Bits

  • Balls
  • Goolies
  • Apples
  • Baubles
  • Whirleygigs
  • Rocks
  • Plums
  • Torpedoes
  • Oysters
  • Tallywags
  • Cojones
  • Brass Ones
  • Frick & Frack
  • Jingle Berries
  • Nuts
  • Bollocks
  • Nads
  • Sperm Sack
  • Luggage
  • Coin Purse
We can write our own...

We can write our own...

Euphemisms for the evil V word

  • Beaver
  • Mud Flaps
  • Carpet
  • Serpent Sock
  • Muff
  • Honey Pot
  • Slice of Heaven
  • Taco
  • The Death of Adam
  • Flesh Cavern
  • Tackle Box
  • Clown Car
  • Velvet Glove
  • Twatlantic Ocean
  • Bajingo
  • Vajayjay
  • The Wombsday Book
  • Happy Flappy
  • Temporary Lodgings
  • Enchilada of Love
  • Snake Charmer
  • Cat's Paw
  • Bambox
  • The Great Divide
  • The Love Canal
  • Breakfast of Champions
  • The Promised Land
  • Panty Hamster
  • Easy Bake Oven

Musical Entertainment for the Ladies



Euphemisms for the Other Lady Parts

  • Milk bags
  • Utters
  • Marshmallows
  • Balloons
  • Mounds
  • Bra Buddies
  • Pillows
  • Chesticles
  • Zeppelins
  • Knockers
  • Jugs
  • Ta-tas
  • Twofers
  • Whoppers
  • Hand Warmers
  • Melons
  • Chest Bumpers
  • Pendulums
  • Beanbags
  • Angel Cakes
  • Niblets
  • Bongoes
  • Rib Balloons
  • Chestnuts
  • Dumplings
  • Fun Bags
  • The Twins
  • The Girls
  • Sweater Meat
  • Panty Shelves
  • Betty Boops

The Boob Fairy (Never Came for Me)

Cursing for the Creative

Creative cursing is really a skill that involves taking the strange and warping it in a nonsensical but crushing way. Sort of like calling someone a waffle muncher. What's a waffle muncher? I don't know but it doesn't sound good. You can also string random nouns together when you stub your toe. Sort of like, "Fudge Monkey Possum!!"

Scroll to Continue

Of course there are words you can use in place of well known curses. Fug is a fun one... it was invented by Norman Mailer whose publishers wouldn't let him use the F bomb. Now he's known as the guy who can't spell the F bomb. Sad.

And you can always use words that sound almost like they're supposed to. Can't use the lord's name in vain? Just yell, "Cheese and crackers!" And try not to laugh when doing so.

George Carlin - the Anti-Christ of Censorship

If this article made you laugh or if you have something to say please leave some love in the comments section. Thanks!

Pop! Goes the Speculum and Other Gynecological Horror Stories

The Wild and Crazy History of Condoms

Nature's Most Extreme Dads

Popes Gone Wild: What the Catholic Church Would Rather You Forget

Killer Tampons - Society's Least Suspected Weapons of Womanly Destruction

Interesting Ways to Greet the Afterlife

Separating the Men from the Boys and the Women from the Girls - Dating Observations & Advice

How to Make A Fake Diary (Or Just an Interesting Real One)


More from this Author:


Catching Marbles - A New England based travel blog

Tales from the Birdello - For all homesteading and farming matters

Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes


Through the Looking Glass Farm

Typhani Brooks - Artist




Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on October 23, 2013:

Always happy to hear that gmwilliams! (Also sorry for my slow reply!)

Grace Marguerite Williams from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on August 16, 2013:

Absolutely LOVED this hub, you have made my morning!

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 04, 2013:

I don't know if they are more appropriate they're just easier to slip under the censorbots, until they start filtering phrases. At which point I'll publish another hub on new phrases....

My stats haven't been updated in a day or so. They were stuck for four days last week. (I kept thinking I wished it were stuck on a higher number. haha)

And yes, this list was a blast to write. I think I will be using it for further reference too. Big Wally.... That's a good one. Sounds like the main character of a big fish story.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on April 04, 2013:

Oh my God that was funny. I thought I had heard them all until I read your lists. Seems I still have something to learn in this life. My Dad called it Big Wally....I have no way of knowing if he was full of himself or really had a monster. :)

Cat from New York on April 04, 2013:

Not to mention, some of these names listed are quite a bit more graphic than the medical names anyway, but yet they're deemed more appropriate?

Debra Allen from West Virginia on April 04, 2013:

Very funny!!! I loved them all. I will have to print this out for further reference. I think it is a form of censorship too. I mean if we can't call our own body parts the right names and have to resort to things on your lists....where in the world are we taking ourselves? It is ridiculous. Voted up and across the board.

Cat from New York on April 04, 2013:

Woo friggen hoo! Congrats! Well deserved!

My account statistics haven't been updated in 29 hours. You too?

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 04, 2013:

Wow.... this is actually a listed Hub now. I was not expecting that! Although my hit counter has been stuck on 911 since I posted it. I hope that's not an omen.

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 04, 2013:

I am sure that has been a conversation that has gone down MANY times, especially in societies where ignorance is considered bliss!

Cat from New York on April 04, 2013:

Ha, lol, Well, if Ken is a girl's version of what a man looks like, imagine her surprise the first time she sees a non-plastic one? "What the hell is that thing and why does it look like it wants to hurt me; is there something wrong with it, is it supposed to look like that?" Yeah, guys never came back for a second date... ;-)

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 04, 2013:

Personally I think I was more interested in Ken doll... I already knew what I looked like. "Hmmm.... What IS this? It doesn't really look that much different from Barbie..." Maybe that's why when I hauled out my mother's attic years later I found a series of ken dolls in dresses. SIGH.

Cat from New York on April 04, 2013:

Ha ha, yeah if Barbies weren't confusing to a little girl. I remembered thinking "Is this what I'm gonna look like?"

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 04, 2013:

vandynegl, definitely do share! I do not know if coal miners are as raunchily creative as sailors and truckers but I'd love to know! ;)

Cantuhearmescream - LMAO that's too much. I think in my house everyone had Barbie doll blanks and didn't talk about it...

Cat from New York on April 04, 2013:

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; When I was growing up they were willies and wilmas in our house. I didn't even know that wasn't medically accurate until I was a teenager and I always felt dirty watching The Flintstones. ;-)

vandynegl from Ohio Valley on April 04, 2013:

I was cracking up reading this and I seriously have to show my husband all of the "man part" names.....he works in a coal mine and comes back with some really interesting words and phrases. I will have to let you know if he has one that is not on your list!

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 04, 2013:

Thank you. Yes, the censorship started out pretty petty but it seems to be getting worse these days. *rolls eyes*

Marie Hurt from New Orleans, LA on April 03, 2013:

You had me laughing at this one. Censorship is messed up. Didn't realize their was so many banned words on Hub Pages.

FlourishAnyway from USA on April 03, 2013:

What a hoot!

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 03, 2013:

Why thank you DzyMsLizzy! I must admit two comedians I adored as a teenager, and still absolutely love, are George Carlin and Tom Lehrer. I think Tom Lehrer's song Smut says it best...

"All books can be indecent books

Though recent books are bolder,

For filth (I'm glad to say) is in

the mind of the beholder.

When correctly viewed,

Everything is lewd.

(I could tell you things about Peter Pan,

And the Wizard of Oz, there's a dirty old man!)"

These comments about over-the-shoulder boulder holders and shark bait makes me realize there's so much more that can be wrapped in a euphemism!

Thanks for commenting, I always love to hear from you!

Liz Elias from Oakley, CA on April 03, 2013:

ROFLMAO! I so agree with you--censorship in any form, for any reason SUCKS...(dare I say, "sucks the big one"???) People need to grow up, and stop getting their panties in a bunch every time someone drops a less-than-polite euphemism...or, far worse, horror of horrors--uses a medically correct term for some part of the anatomy!

(And I sure don't understand why they'd pull ads--don't they know SEX SELLS, for pity sakes??!!)

I've also heard of the "one-eyed trouser snake," for whose bite there is no known antidote...

And of course, "clam" or "clamshell" for the ladies.... and at the other end of the body, we have "boulders!" You can't leave those off the list, or how else would we be able to go shopping for "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders??"

This was a perfect response to the censors--may they stew in their own juices!

Voted up, funny, awesome and interesting... oh, yeah, and shared, too! Hilarious! Great videos--I've always loved that George Carlin bit!

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 03, 2013:

Oh I know! I failed my How to be a Lady course a looong time ago... My female friends now could put any man to shame as far as potty mouths and vulgar jokes go. I would have it no other way. At least we all get a hearty laugh out of it.

Cat from New York on April 03, 2013:

Ha, you are so right. What's even worse or seems more unfair is that it's usually deemed even more unacceptable "coming from a lady". Because I was born with a taco, I can't have a broad sense of humor?

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 03, 2013:

I agree whoever gets their panties in a bunch over something as trivial as words - not how they are used, not what they mean in a context but just words in general - needs to lighten up a bit. I mean there is no one pointing a gun at their head and telling them to click the obviously titled links. "Read damn you!" Pffft. I have never been fond of being treated like a child or being forced to treat my readers as children. Dare I say I think the vast majority of them are well past their crazy youths.

Cat from New York on April 03, 2013:

I have to admit, my mouth is a little less than pure, but I'm not easily offended and it's just how I've grown up and who I am. I think I'd just assume going through life not easily offended; one would suspect it would be much less stressful. But sometimes I feel like there is just times where the "not so pure" is needed. It's too bad that some people take simple words that we've created as "bad" so seriously that it negatively affects them.

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 03, 2013:

Slutty? Really? That's ridiculous! This is why I posted this... I mean, eesh. What next? I heard someone was able to use the dreaded N word with no problems. That's a loaded word. But slutty? Please!

I don't like to be a troublemaker but sometime I just can't deny my inner rebel....

Cat from New York on April 03, 2013:

...that's why I love her.

Boy oh boy, do I have to give you some HUGE credit; you must have balls of steel, or should I say whirleyjigs? Gosh, if I even think about heading in a "tongue in cheek" direction I Uturn for fear of being stoned to death by the HP community. It's funny, if you use any of those words in a poem then it's considered art; creative writing. I wrote a poem about Beauty and the Beast less than a week ago, plenty of words, capsules and I thought it was cute, but I used the word "slutty" in regards to Belle, which I thought was tasteful and necessary, but lo and behold, my Hub was not featured, so I removed it. Some jokes just aren't funny if they are toned down, it kills the dramatic effect. Well, maybe you'll need to create a Key to go with each of your hubs so that people can understand without being offended! I obviously voted up, funny and awesome!

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 03, 2013:

LoL DrMark1961, you always put a different spin on things don't you? :)

Mark dos Anjos DVM from The Atlantic Rain Forest, Brazil on April 03, 2013:

Me and my "cobra cego" (this is Brazilian, the blind snake, and I don't think I have to be more explicit) got a laugh out of this.

I´m just glad he is not competing for that new reality show on FOX: "Natures Most Extreme Dads".

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 03, 2013:

Thank you LA Elsen. I doubt this article will ever have listed status but seeing as it made a few people laugh I'm OK with that!

I will never be one for censorship... it's retarded. We're all adults here. SIGH.

LA Elsen from Chicago, IL on April 03, 2013:

So very Carlinesque Theophanes! This made my day. I laughed so hard my bra buddies wouldn't stop bouncing. (don't I wish) Funny hub. I hate censorship

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 03, 2013:

Hey, I remember having to explain the shark bait one... painfully and awkwardly... but I still use it!

Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate the comment! :)

Georgie Lowery from North Florida on April 03, 2013:

Oh Mylanta. I have an ear for these kinds of things because I love making people laugh, but there are many on your list I hadn't heard. I'm also glad I wasn't eating, drinking or smoking when I read this. Awesome sauce!

Also, once a month, I refer to my nonos as shark bait.

Thanks for the laughs!

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