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Top Ten Careers and Jobs for Losers

I have a BA in history and creative writing and an MA in history. I enjoy politics, movies, television, poker, video games, and trivia.

Have You Failed At Life?

How do you know you've failed at life? How do you know when your life has taken a wrong turn or when the graph of your existence is on a distinctly downward trend? Well, if you've recently taken a job in one of these professions, consider yourself a loser. These are jobs that no respectable human being should have to endure. Sure, congratulate yourself for being employed, but really, sometimes being unemployed is better. In these cases, it surely is. These are the top ten careers for losers. In other words, jobs you just don't want.


Professional Toilet-Paper Dispenser And Use Assistant

When you have a lot of money, like you're super-rich, you can pretty much afford to hire people to do just about anything. Seriously, if you don't have to wipe your own rear end, why do it? Thus, the really rich have been known to hire "professional toilet-paper dispenser and use assistants", aka "butt wipers". If you don't have the dignity to tell somebody that you'd rather starve to death than spend your day wiping booty, you're a loser. Then again, I suppose it might depend on the benefits package. Dental plan? Hard to pass that up.

Poisonous Pet Food Tester

It has not been uncommon that, throughout history, royalty and other important people have hired poor people to serve as food testers. Basically, the insignificant person eats all the food first in case it's been poisoned. So, if a head of state, for instance, suspects his enemies of trying to assassinate him, his paranoia might lead him to hire some poor schmo to taste his food before he eats it. If that poor schmo collapses and dies, the head of state knows that the food was poisoned. The truly paranoid head of state not only worries about being poisoned, he worries about somebody trying to off his pets too. It's one thing to be the poisonous food tester for a head of state. At least you're at the top of your profession. However, if you're the person who tastes the pet's food to see if it's poisoned, well, that's kind of insulting. You're not even good enough to poison test human food. You're relegated to pet food. Then again, some things that are poisonous to animals aren't necessarily poisonous to people, so maybe your chances of surviving are better than the dude who's eating the human food.

Verbal Abuse Receptacle

Many of us exist in our professional lives to be yelled at by our superiors. That's the sign of a bad boss. However, if the actual purpose of your job is to be some kind of verbal punching bag to make somebody feel good about themselves, then your career has hit rock bottom. Then again, you might just work in Hollywood.

Dog Butler

Rich people often don't know what to do with their money. Hiring a butler is usually the sign of extreme wealth and being a butler probably isn't all that bad as careers go. If you work for a really rich family, then it's possible that you might be compensated well enough. However, the really rich can employ butlers and then they can employ dog butlers. If you're a dog butler, to me that means you're not skilled enough to be a servant for other human beings, so they've stuck you with the dog. It's just got to be really insulting to be the dog butler.

Underwater truck driver is a job for a loser (US-PD)

Underwater truck driver is a job for a loser (US-PD)

Fart Collector/Analyzer

There are a couple types of fart collectors/analyzers. There's the private collector and the scientist. I'm not 100% sure that working for a private fart collector is actually a real thing, but working for a scientist is (as one of my links will attest). In the former, one would be hired to collect and/or store the farts of some person who's decided that they're interested in keeping such things. I once knew a guy who put all his farts in mason jars. I don't know what he did with them after that. As for the scientific end, one can be hired to test the smell of various farts to determine which are the worst offending. No matter how you slice it, taking this job means your career aspirations have hit rock bottom. How do you even put this job on a resume?

Human Lane Line

In some poor countries where the government doesn't have enough money to pave and paint the roads, they hire human beings to lie down in the middle of the road to serve as human lane lines. Of course, the road itself is usually only traversed by the rich, so there's a bit of class warfare going on. Obviously, this gives new meaning to crossing the center line. Anyway, if you're lying there in the middle of the road listening to cars whizzing by, it should cross your mind that you've picked a career with little future.

Serial Killer

There's probably such thing as a genius serial killer, but I think it's safe to say that normal society regards serial killers as ultimate losers. So, if you're a serial killer and you're reading this, you're a loser. Yes, you may be really good at your job, but you're still a loser.

Paris Hilton Impersonator

It's bad enough that any of us have to endure any news, notes, headlines or whatever concerning Paris Hilton, who embodies everything that's wrong with entertainment news in our world. I'm still mystified that anybody cares one iota about anything that this woman does. She's famous because she's rich and because she got filmed having sex. She has no discernible talent and is not interesting. Really, she's only interesting to some because other people are interested in her. Taking things one step further, to impersonate somebody who's talentless and uninteresting is like the ultimate in negation. If a Paris Hilton impersonator meets Paris Hilton, does the universe cease to exist. It sounds like career suicide to me. You're better off being a serial killer.

Underwear Static Tester

One of the worst characteristics of a pair of underwear is the conduction of electricity. To avoid such things, underwear companies hire human subjects to wear their products and then they literally have robots pull the underwear back and forth across the subject's nether regions to see if static electricity is produced. If none is produced, it's a good pair of underwear. If the opposite happens, the subject gets lots of electric discharge in their genitalia. Any job involving getting electricity pumped through your genitals is a career for a loser.

Transplanted Heart Repossesor

Buying a used car can be expensive. Naturally, when the buyer doesn't make his or her payments, the seller can have the car repossessed. Getting a heart transplant costs hundreds of times what a used car costs and it's a lot more likely that the transplantee can't pay up. This is when the hospital sends out their heart repossessor. Just like anything else, if you can't pay for something, the owner takes it back. Of course, the hospitals justify this as asset protection, but do they do the repossession themselves? Of course not. They hire some guy who's super hard up for a job and pay him virtually nothing and send him out to get the heart back. If you're the guy getting those hearts back, your whole career track has gone very, very wrong.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2012 Allen Donald


Chriscompton on September 17, 2017:

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Thank you - great post!

Reena Dhiman on February 24, 2015:

Good post.

ExpectGreatThings from Illinois on October 31, 2012:

This is hilarious! Thanks for the giggles and the encouragement that I could be doing much worse :)

YenzDaSynthKiller from North Carolina on May 24, 2012:

rofl, Made me appreciate all of the jobs i've ever had in my life. Keep up the great work!

T20learning on February 21, 2012:

It's a different perspective on career well we impressed with the serial killer.

ermetesf from Philippines on February 19, 2012:

It's a different kind of article about career. After reading my mind swayed to another thought-direction that really made me so amused. What a joke!

Allen Donald (author) from Colorado on February 13, 2012:

I'm always pleased when I can make people laugh. That's the intention and I appreciate all who have read it.

barry1001 from North Wales on February 13, 2012:

Made me laugh!!

Amanda Tallman from Vermont on February 12, 2012:

Thank you for the laugh! I already know of a few people I need to send this to!

Christopher Wanamaker from Arizona on February 12, 2012:

Haha this was not what I was better! Thanks for the laugh.

TMApsey from Wisconsin, USA on February 12, 2012:

Hillarious! Voted up,and shared on Facebook and Twitter!

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