The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth~ Not with these applicants.
Being in Human Resources can be a stressing job. But, then there are those days where you meet some very "special" candidates who make it hard not to laugh at the level of stupidity they sink to. I have heard a lot of excuses on why an applicant cannot take a drug screen. But, these are my favorites.
1- Applicant - "I don't think I should take a drug screen today". (HR) Really, why is that? Applicant - "Because, last night, I was sitting on my balcony and the tenants in the apartment who live under me were smoking some of that wacky weed and I think I may have breathed some of their drugs in". (HR) - Inhaling doesn't allow it to get in your bloodstream. I think you will be fine taking the test. Applicant - Oh, cool. (Applicant failed drug screen - cocaine and marijuana). Wasn't just the wacky weed after all. It was just the whack job who applied.
2- Applicant - " You seem like a nice enough lady. I took me a couple of tokes from my pops blunt last night. If you can give me a few days, it will be out of my system and I can pass your test". (HR) - Thanks, but I think I will pass. Have a nice day. You should be getting a follow up card in the next 7 days.
3- Applicant -" I haven't had anything to drink today, I don't think I can go". (HR) "No problem, all I need you to do is put this swab in your mouth and hold it for 3 minutes. I'll even give you a piece of candy to get the bad taste out of your mouth". Applicant, gets up and leaves with no drug screen and decides this isn't the job for him.
4- Applicant - "I really need this job lady. So, how about just let me slide this time. I will give up my weed smoking for good. (HR) How about give up the weed smoking for good and re-apply when you have your habit under control and your priorities straight.
5- Applicant- "Um, how many days does your drug test go back?" (HR) If you have to ask that question, then you probably don't need the test. I will be in touch. Have a good day!
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck!
Human Resources can be entertaining. Take these five applicants with explanations about their backgrounds and why they decided to not check the box.
1- (HR) - I noted that you did not answer the question about the background check. Applicant - "Uh, yeah, I must have forgot to check the box. The answer is no". (HR) Great, you do understand that a NCIC check will show up in multiple states? Applicant - " Oh, well there was something about 5 years ago in Georgia, but that should have fallen off by now". (HR) You do realize that background checks are not like bad credit, when you get convicted of a felony or misdemeanor it stays with you for life? Applicant - "For reals? Snap, guess that means I don't get the job".
2- (HR) - I noticed you didn't answer the criminal background question. Can you answer that for me now? Applicant - Well, I just got released last week and I wasn't sure how to answer the question.
3- (HR) - I looked at the application and noticed that you did put down a criminal history, but that you did not complete the description of details. Can you complete that for me now? Applicant - I couldn't , there wasn't enough room. So I just wrote it on this separate sheet of paper.
4- (HR) - I noted that you checked yes and no on the felony background question. Can you tell me which answer is correct? Applicant - It depends on whether you will accept my new life in lieu of my past life.
5- (HR) - Can you answer this question for me? Applicant - I could, but you're not going to like the answers.
Leoning on January 10, 2015:
Bev,I am sorry to tell you that your 4'6 flat bed-spring has little or no moetrany value or a market place. They were an inexpensive widely sold type of spring popular between the two great wars and for a few years into the fifties. They are not more than a metal hammock with no support in the middle, but they do last forever, and maybe, just maybe, provide a less hospitable home to vermin than an upholstered box spring.Marshall Coyle
Gatot on December 31, 2014:
Amy,If you found someone that ndeeed it to complete a bed you might get as much as fifty dollars. No dealer that I am aware of would bother putting it in stock owing to the extremely limited market. You should go to Google Images and search “Simmons bed spring”. One or more might turn up and might have some dollar information connected. The spring is probably 60-80 years old and made so well that it is still useful. You can put a zippered cover over it for cleanliness and use it as a box spring.Good Luck,Marshall
Pramis on December 30, 2014:
I carry on listening to the nesscawt lecture about getting free online grant applications so I have been looking around for the most excellent site to get one. Could you advise me please, where could i find some?
Regina Harrison-Barton (author) from South Carolina on July 09, 2013:
That is so true, God does love us all for something special in each of us. Thanks for your comment.
Maria Magdalena Ruiz O'Farrill from Borikén the great land of the valiant and noble Lord on July 08, 2013:
Thanks for sharing these experiences. Human nature is something else, God loves us for something! We are all special!
Ugagirl66 on May 20, 2012:
You have a very valid point. Typically if I know someone is genuinely trying to obtain gainful employment then I refer them to programs and resources that can and will help even with their prior record. Every state has them, some just don't publicize them as they should. Thanks for writing in.
Delta on May 20, 2012:
Very funny, the one about the guy just being release a week ago from jail was sort of sad tho. Felons trying to get on the right track after paying their debt to society should be able to find work, otherwise they are just going to go right back. Unless they are working with children I think they should be cut some slack after doing their time if they are out looking for ajob they are at the very least considering trying to live right.
Regina Harrison-Barton (author) from South Carolina on February 06, 2012:
I have been fortunate, I think that is word of you can use, to meet some very diverse and unique people in my life. I like to think that even these special applicants have taught me something and brought joy in my life some how.. Even if it is through joyful tears of laughter.
Charlie Parker from Nevada on July 15, 2011:
This is really good!
edgeworth from Muswell Hill, London, UK on June 23, 2011:
I like the last one. Really funny.
Om Paramapoonya on May 25, 2011:
Thanks for sharing this! I had a good laugh. Rated up and funny. :)
Regina Harrison-Barton (author) from South Carolina on April 22, 2011:
I am beginning to think there should be a book of these stories. They are definitely unusual. It's amazing what people will say or do to keep from owning their own issues.
SJ on March 29, 2011:
AWESOME!! Between the two of us, we'd probably write a book on drug screen excuse and explanations...but I, sadly, work with pregnant women. How's this, I literally have never had any type of street drug in my life, and yet I'm always nervous to take the drug tests. What is that?? I had to do them frequently as a traveling nurse, I guess they think we're all loose, junkie types. I do pass...is it just test anxiety???
Kristen Burns-Darling from Orange County, California on March 29, 2011:
I worked in HR back in the days when I wasn't taking care of my dad....TOO FUNNY! I laughed so hard that my eyes were tearing, both from your description and the memories it brought forth...Your description was priceless!
Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on March 28, 2011:
Funny hub about all the crazy people you must meet every day. I enjoyed your hub.
Regina Harrison-Barton (author) from South Carolina on March 28, 2011:
Hi Gus. That is funny. It is true. They will usually shut the water down on the sinks and in most cases if there is a risk of someone trying to scoop water out of the toilet(yep that happens too) then they will send in an escort to monitor the sample process. I had a guy wait me out for 7 hours for a pee test once. He swore he didn't have to go. But, after 14 mountain dews and a few glasses of water, he finally could not hold it in anymore. Needless to say, he did not pass the drugscreen. Thanks for reading my hubs. Check back in soon.
Gustave Kilthau from USA on March 28, 2011:
Howdy ugagirl66 - Funny dialogues. Had to do a pee test for drugs one time. Wanted to wash my hands right after cup-filling time. Nurse outside the restroom door said to hand her the now-capped cup and she would then turn the water to the sink back on again. Surprised me, that did.
UltimateMovieRankings from Virginia on March 28, 2011:
Very funny hub....I worked at a company that did random drug tests about 3 times a year....every time they would show up..... at least one person would lose their job...either from refusing to take the test or the result of the test....thanks for posting
Regina Harrison-Barton (author) from South Carolina on March 27, 2011:
True, but minimal qualifications are still required in some industries and unfortunately for these. applicants, it just wouldn't fly. ;-)
LeisureLife from USA on March 27, 2011:
Very funny hub ! However, some people are able to smoke a little bit of herb every once in a while and still keep their lives in order. Not everyone who drinks alcohol is an alcoholic.