Frenemy in the Workplace: 5 Warning Signs

Frenemies In the Workplace: Who's Got Your Back?

Beware of that waffling work, friend. She's the fickle, fair-weathered colleague who cannot commit to being either your friend or your foe. So she vacillates between both roles.

As your double-dealing teammate draws you in, you reveal confidence to her. (No-o-o! It's a trap!)

Your work frenemy offers just enough kindness to keep you as a "friend." Then she zaps you with betrayals or zings you with put-downs. Sheesh. She was "only kidding!" (Cue her evil laugh as self-doubt rains down upon you. Bahaha!)

If you suspect that your phony friend doesn't have your back, you are right. These villains can wreak havoc on both your confidence and your career.

When it comes to frenemies in the workplace, you don't have to let the bad guys win. Learn the warning signs, plus options for dealing with such sneaky scoundrels.

The Work Frenemy: Does Not Play Well With Others

There's an old train of thought that business and friendship shouldn't mix—that work is not meant to be personal.

But throw together an odd lot of individuals who otherwise wouldn't choose to associate with one another. Call them a workgroup, a staff, or a team. Give them projects, deadlines, and meetings for eight or more hours a day. Friendships are bound to form.

The Value of Friends at Work

One study found that 36 percent of adults met at least one of their closest friends at work.¹

Research by Gallup found that people with a best friend at work are seven times more likely to engage fully in their work.² They also find their work 50% more satisfying.³

In addition, people who reach out in friendship to others on the job are more likely to receive promotions.⁴ Clearly, having work friends can be beneficial.

Frenemies: Worst Friends Ever

But wait; not all work friends are good at this friendship thing. Some of them rather suck at it.

Such badly behaving work friends are rivals in disguise—smart, clever, and manipulative people who love you one minute and backstab you the next. You know the type—the office frenemy.

Being colleagues, you may be stuck working together. However, you can at least learn to detect a backbiting BFF before she does you too much damage.

Is Your Work Friend A Frenemy?

Questions to Consider

• Does she concentrate on your flaws and mistakes, give you backhanded compliments, and make jokes at your expense ("only kidding")?
• If one of you left the company tomorrow, would you still be friends a year from now?
• Do you have an unbalanced relationship? Does she make demands on your time and energy, requesting favors but rarely returning them?
• If you had a personal emergency, could you rely on her for help -- without having her remind you that you owe her big time?
• Does she break your confidents?
• If there were some gossip about you, would your friend defend you or join in?
• When you receive recognition, a pay raise, or a promotion that she does not, is she genuinely happy for you or jealous?
• Do you feel like you constantly have to explain yourself to her?
• Do you find yourself keeping certain information from her because of trust issues?
• When she's on vacation or out of the office, is your life lonelier but a lot less hectic?

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Frenemy Sign #1: She Doesn't Have Your Best Interests at Heart

The workplace frenemy may genuinely like you, but she has a hard time consistently showing it. Your two-faced teammate may even want to be you.

When she's not double-dealing her colleagues, the work frenemy can be fun to be around. She offers you the benefits of grapevine gossip, someone to commiserate and celebrate work with, and a lunch buddy.

Yet you suspect that she's holding back. When you receive praise—especially from someone important, like the boss—she can barely control her eye-rolling.

That's because your frenemy doesn't have your best interests at heart. Her motives are mixed. She loves you, yet she hates you, and the conniving wench cannot help but show it. She just hopes you're not paying attention to all of her devious ways.

Covert Operations

Out of rivalry, your frenemy may find ways to sabotage your confidence and your image of competence at work. For example, she may:

• Give you bad advice.
• Discourage you from thinking through a situation that requires a cool head.
• Forget to share important information with you.
• Shift responsibility for mistakes or omissions to you.
• Try to shift more workload your way.
• Break your confidence.
• Spread gossip about you.
• Twist your words to make you look bad.
• Discount your knowledge, skills, and experience to clients, peers, or management. (And when people know she's your BFF, her comments may come across as particularly genuine criticism.)

No matter what you think of her, you gotta give her this: your BFF's pretty slick, isn't she?

Frenemy Sign #2: She Blows Backhanded Compliments

Poison pals enjoy the damage that well-placed, "stray" comments can inflict. Your work frenemy launches cutting remarks like missiles disguised as flattering remarks, landmines camouflaged as goodwill.

Beneath her smile lurks a sneer as she blows you backhanded compliments:

"You look great in your new suit! It hides the extra 10 pounds you've gained."

"That client was impressed with you. He thought you actually knew what you're talking about."

"Thanks for staying late again to help me out. You better get home to your kids before they wonder if they still have a mother."

Studies show that frenemy behavior like this can exact negative health effects, including:

• increased blood pressure
• a lowered resistance to stress
• increased risk of depression.⁵

Don't give your frenemy the pleasure of inflicting such harm. Recognize the compliment that isn't.

Frenemy Sign #3: She Leaves You Feeling Angry and Used

The work frenemy leaves you feeling used, angry, and misunderstood. She requires you to cater to her needs while neglecting your own.

She'll "pencil you in" on her busy calendar only to cancel on you at the last moment when something more pressing comes up (which usually does). And because she doesn't have a firm grasp on personal boundaries, your work frenemy requests countless favors of you—both personal and professional.

However, she rarely returns the courtesy, nor can she find the time. Reciprocity is not how she rolls.

As a result, you feel like you constantly have to guard against her exploitation of your time, energy, and resources. That's a work frenemy. Not a friend.

Frenemy Sign #4: She Tries to Ruin Your Other Friendships

When other co-workers are interested in developing new friendships with you, your work frenemy gets jealous and acts out. She feels possessive of you. (After all, you do put up with a lot from her, don't you?)

Don't be surprised if the sneaky scoundrel

• inserts herself in your conversations with your new friend
• highlights your flaws and flubs
• spreads gossip about you.

With these tactics, she seeks to both scare your new friend off and refocus your full attention back on her—where it belongs.

Frenemy Sign #5: She Overreacts When Confronted

Something curious happens if you marshal the courage to confront your work frenemy about her behavior. She doesn't understand what you're talking about. Instead of owning her scheming behavior, she completely denies it.

There's anger, surprise, shock, and even waterworks. How could you accuse her of such a thing?

She may turn the tables on you and refuse to discuss your ridiculous accusation. Or blame you by claiming that you're obviously just reading into the situation again. (What's wrong with you anyway?)

Nevermind

At least you tried to call her out on her behavior. You gave it a good try.

Accept that you are not going to fix her. A backstabbing BFF took years to become the way she is, and it's not your duty to teach her how to be a good friend. So let her practice her weird brand of friendship skills on someone else.

You risk both your confidence and work reputation, maintaining a close relationship with a work frenemy. If you keep confronting her, you'll continue to get nowhere and come be known as the worst thing ever in the world of work: Not A Team Player.

And then, who would win?

Strategies for Surviving the Work Frenemy

Although you cannot choose your co-workers, you may have some say in who you work with on projects and certainly who you chat with during lunches and break time. You can also control how much personal information you divulge to such an untrustworthy colleague, as well as your reactions when your backbiting BFF crosses the line.

You are not without options. Short of leaving your job, here are tips for surviving the work frenemy:

Options for Dealing with Frenemies In the Workplace

Choose Your Work Friends Wisely

Choose your friends wisely—especially at work. If you have to spend a third of your adult life on the job, make sure it's in the company of people who don't wish you harm, either overtly or through hidden agendas.

References

¹McKee, A., & Walker, T. (2014). Report: State of Friendship. Retrieved from http://getlifeboat.com/goodies/report2013/.

²Riordan, C. (2013, July 3). We All Need Friends at Work. Retrieved from http://blogs.hbr.org/2013/07/we-all-need-friends-at-work/.

³Armour, S. (2007, August 2). Friendship and work: A good or bad partnership? Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/money/workplace/2007-08-01-work-friends_n.htm.

⁴Lewis, K. R. (2012, April 24). Want a promotion? Make friends at work. Retrieved from http://fortune.com/2012/04/24/want-a-promotion-make-friends-at-work/.

⁵Weir, K. (2011, April 14). Fickle Friends: How to Deal with Frenemies. Retrieved from http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fickle-friends/.

Notable Quotes on Betrayal

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”

- William Blake, English poet and painter

"We are a puny and fickle folk. Avarice, hesitation, and following are our diseases."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist and lecturer

"If you're gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty."

- Marilyn Monroe, American sex symbol and actress

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"

- Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. President

"He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."

- Sigmund Freud, founding father of psychoanalysis

This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.

© 2014 Elaina Baker

Comments

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on January 05, 2015:

Savvy - TMI? Not at all! I always enjoy your comments!

savvydating on January 05, 2015:

Thank you Flourish, and please forgive me for being so honest. I feel like I did a TMI. (Lol) Oh well.... I wish you a wonderful New Year as well. So far, things are coming up roses on my end. :)

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on January 05, 2015:

savvydating - It's too bad that the backstabbers ruin it for the good people. We spend so much time at work that it's such a shame to keep it so superficial, but I guess you have to do that when you don't trust who you work with. Depends on the workplace. Thanks for stopping by! Have a terrific 2015 filled with success and happiness.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on January 05, 2015:

Graham - That is a very insightful observation! I agree. Thank you for stopping by, my friend. And have a wonderful new year.

savvydating on January 05, 2015:

What a fantastic article. I have to say that I try to mind my own business in the workplace as much as possible, primarily because I've encountered so many women in the workplace who are haters. Honestly, I don't get it; I always try to be very professional and polite. Anyway, my point is that I learned to keep my conversation superficial long ago. For the most part, I don't make friends in the workplace---at least, not female friends, I'm sorry to say. That's kind of sad in a way, but it seems to work out better in my particular case .....for whatever reason.

Your advice is spot-on. I especially liked your saying "Immediately but calmly call attention to verbal inaccuracies." It took me a long time to do this, and I still have to work at it sometimes, but it is important!! Up, useful, awesome.

Graham Lee from Lancashire. England. on January 05, 2015:

Hi Flourish. A most comprehensive hub touching so many bases. Brilliant. When I was working I always found that when joining a new company or office change, the person you got to know first was never the one you befriended.

voted up and all.

Graham.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on November 06, 2014:

ologsinquito - Thanks so much for pinning this. I can use all the help I can get. Have a great weekend.

ologsinquito from USA on November 06, 2014:

Hi Flourish, this is great advice that could also probably apply to any gathering of people, females specifically. I'm pinning this one again.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on September 07, 2014:

Pawpawwrites - Yes they do. You can't go on pretending forever.

Jim from Kansas on September 07, 2014:

I've worked with more than a few. I can relate to the countless favors for sure. It can take a while to figure some of them out, but they all blow their cover at some point.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on September 06, 2014:

Rebecca - I'm sorry about your work friend losing your job. I agree that after you lose that common connection, it just is not the same. I hope another good work BFF will come along eventually.

Rebecca from USA on September 06, 2014:

Such good advice here. I had a BFF at work, I miss her terribly. Her position was eliminated a year ago. I was definitely a harder worker and more engaged when she was there. We still talk but it's not the same. The other people this hub describes I stay away from. And they are a dime a dozen!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on July 11, 2014:

Cherylann - It's hard to have true friends in a political work climate but allies certainly can help you survive. Thanks for reading and commenting. Have a great weekend.

Cherylann Mollan from India on July 10, 2014:

Very wise thoughts in here. I wish I would've been lucky enough to have received these pearls of wisdom when I just started working. It's so true that gauging people's intentions, especially at your workplace is very difficult. I still believe that you can't make friends at work, I prefer forming this relationship only after I've left the firm! Great insights and dealing tactics. Voted up!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on July 01, 2014:

Larry - Boring them with details -- discussion of paper clips and post-it notes -- is a good idea. No personal information!

Larry Rankin from Oklahoma on July 01, 2014:

I really enjoyed the article. Personally, I enjoy working with people that tease one another for the sake of fun. It is important to make the distinction between comradely and someone who is posturing to move up the ladder and/or deflect attention from their own incompetence.

I very much agree that when you suspect a so-called friend is actually trying to harm you that you need to not give them anything personal. Constantly deflect things to just business, basically bore them to death:) They'll leave you alone after that.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 25, 2014:

Suhail - Most folks are kind and decent, but sometimes there's that one who isn't what he or she seems. Even they have to work somewhere. I'm glad you've only had good experiences.

Suhail Zubaid aka Clark Kent from Mississauga, ON on June 25, 2014:

An informative hub written with just the right dose of humour! I loved every bit of advice, although I had a weird feeling that it was written from women perspective hahaha.

I don't think I have frenemies, but because I am a happy and a friendly person in life, I think lot of my colleagues take undue advantage of me. On the other hand, my best friends of today have also come from the work place.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 22, 2014:

KoffeeKlatch Gals - I appreciate the compliment!

Susan Hazelton from Northern New York on June 22, 2014:

I love your sense of humor. The writing is excellent and the pictures spot on.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 19, 2014:

grand old lady - Frenemies are all about trust, someone you believed you could entrust but who has shown themselves to misuse the information for inappropriate gains. It's much more helpful to have this information than to become hurt by it.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on June 19, 2014:

This is a fantastic and detailed analysis of a frenemy and how to deal with him/her. We hall have experienced frenemies but can never quite pinpoint why this person is so and just roll along. It seems like an unimportant topic, but it is relevant because it is such a common experience. Voted up.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 15, 2014:

vespawoolf - They are indeed best kept out of the inner circle -- untrustworthy and potentially dangerous.

Vespa Woolf from Peru, South America on June 14, 2014:

I have definitely encountered people like this but life lessons have taught me to keep them far away. These people are toxic and not to be trusted. I hope this information helps many people to protect themselves!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 14, 2014:

Linda - I appreciate the compliment. Have a great weekend!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 14, 2014:

Vellur - Thanks for reading. You are right about keeping them at an arm's distance.

Nithya Venkat from Dubai on June 14, 2014:

Great hub, useful and informative. Frenemies are dangerous and it is better to keep them at a distance.

Linda Crampton from British Columbia, Canada on June 13, 2014:

This is another excellent hub, Flourish. You've combined humour and practical advice for dealing with frenemies very successfully! As always, your hub is visually attractive, too.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 12, 2014:

Helen - Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Have a great day!

Helen Blocker-Adams from Augusta, Georgia on June 12, 2014:

Excellent hub. I love the illustrations. They tell the story for sure.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 11, 2014:

Frank - Thanks for stopping by. We've missed you of late.

Frank Atanacio from Shelton on June 10, 2014:

flourish I really enjoyed reading this hub.. it was entertaining although others might find it useful..factual.. but it made me wonder.. and chuckle too

Judy Specht from California on June 10, 2014:

This is where setting boundaries is vital. These kind of people are everywhere. Your idea about the fade, is really good.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 10, 2014:

VioletteRose - I'm glad you didn't have them at work. It's tough to be trapped in an environment where dependence on household income is mixed with shenanigans like this. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 10, 2014:

Shyron - Thanks for the enthusiastic endorsement. It's wonderful that you've had trusted friends that have lasted you four decades. That's a true blessing. Have a terrific week.

VioletteRose from Atlanta on June 10, 2014:

I worked for three years and I luckily didn't have any frenemies at work place. It was really a good experience working with my colleagues and I even got few best friends there, they were always very supportive. However, I had frenemies when I was in school and college, and I know how bad it is. What you have written about this type of people is really true, even if it is work place, school or any other area in your life. Thanks for writing!

Shyron E Shenko from Texas on June 10, 2014:

Flourish, this is wonderful, I am printing your advice and will keep it handy, but I have been Fortunate to have friends that I worked with who I have remained friends with for over 40 years. I have also worked with some frenemies. I would have loved to have had your advice then.

Voted up ++++ and shared

Blessings and hugs dear friend

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 10, 2014:

Deborah - Some of them are exceptionally skilled at it too! Thanks for reading and commenting.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 10, 2014:

electronician - They are usually master tricksters.

Dean Walsh from Birmingham, England on June 09, 2014:

Great tips, we really have to look out for people like this,

Deborah Sexton on June 09, 2014:

Great hub. I've met several frenemies in the workforce. They are a dangerous people because they can fool the boss too.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 09, 2014:

Susan - Those pesky frenemies will one day meet their match. I've learned they think very poorly of themselves, in spite of all the charades. Thank you for voting, commenting and sharing!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 09, 2014:

Sanjay - I appreciate the compliment but sure am sorry you have had this experience. Thank you for reading.

Sanjay Sharma from Mandi (HP) India on June 09, 2014:

You are an excellent writer, and the hub seems to be my personal experience.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 09, 2014:

Bill - I've met some really great people, too. It's the occasional bad egg who happens to spoil it for the rest of the bunch. Usually they don't last too long. Thanks for reading, voting, and sharing.

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 09, 2014:

Audrey - Thanks for the compliment and for reading.

Susan W from The British Isles, Europe on June 09, 2014:

There was so much truth and experience in this hub, you have some great advice! Frenemies can be super annoying to work with, especially when they spread lies and gossip about you. At first, one befriends them, thinking they have gained a new confidant only to realize in horror, who that person really is. What a nightmare! Luckily, I have only encountered very few of them - and learned to avoid them where possible. They sure can be cunning, sly and very daring! Thanks for the great tips, I will put them into practice should I encounter another frenemy. Voted awesome, useful and shared.

Bill De Giulio from Massachusetts on June 09, 2014:

Hi Flourish. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with this at work. However, I do know of people who have. These are great tips to identify and deal with the dreaded frenemy. I actually have a couple of really good friends that I met through work. I find it improves the work environment to have a few friends who you can trust.

Great job. Voted up and shared.

Audrey Howitt from California on June 09, 2014:

You write with humor about something that can be such a difficult situation--loved this!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 09, 2014:

Liz - People usually don't change too much, barring life-altering emotional events or sustained goal-directed effort. She's probably making some other employee's job difficult. At least it's not you. Thanks for reading and sharing your experience.

Elizabeth Parker from Las Vegas, NV on June 09, 2014:

Ohhh - we had one of those here a few years back and luckily, she has since been fired. Those days were very trying with her as she'd come off sweet as pie as she dug the knife in deep. Great hub!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 09, 2014:

Devika - Glad their devious tricks didn't work on you!

Elaina Baker (author) from USA on June 09, 2014:

CrisSp - Two-face suckers. I like it! Thanks for the compliments, and have a great week!

CrisSp from Sky Is The Limit Adventure on June 09, 2014:

I call them "two-face suckers"! I'm very intuitive and my sense of smell is excellent. So, I can quickly smell them. Lol!

Great write. You've tackled the subject very well and leaving us readers with great warnings and tips.

Nice pictures too and you are funny, well, I mean the way you've written it. :)

Cheers!