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The Kickdown: What Is #Carpolygamy and Why Did I Make It Up?

Joshua Is a self-proclaimed Driving God with an almighty Forza Game Rank.


What Is Carpolygamy?

For starters, with the way the United States is at the moment—very quick to jump to conclusions—I feel I need to make a disclaimer: I AM NOT ENDORSING POLYGAMY!

Now that we've made that clear, what exactly is "Carpolygamy?" It is my attempt at getting car guys to become more “open” car guys. What do I mean by that? Well, here’s an example.

You have the Mopar guys with their "Mopar or no car" saying. You have the Mustang fan club. You have millions of other fanbases that talk trash about the other fanbases. You have the universal, widespread hate for Hondas. You have those people who will call somebody a ricer for how they tuned their car, not because it actually is rice, but because they just dislike the car. And finally, you have those who hate a car because they impulse-bought a dud, or hate the whole car brand because one car they owned from it was bad. What carpolygamy is meant to do is to bridge those lines and make people more open-minded to other brands, because maybe, just maybe, you'll fall in love with them. It's never bad to try new things.

Fan Base Rivalries


The first issue I pointed out was based on fan bases. These guys sometimes can act like political parties, unwilling to hear a claim that another car is better. Tell them a Camaro SS 1LE is better than a Mustang GT, and you're in for a long argument. But that’s not the issue. People are entitled to like the Mustang more than the Camaro, and I have no problem with them being a Mustang lover. But when undisputable facts are thrown their way, they refuse to listen. The problem here is that most of these guys:

  • Don’t even have a license or have never driven a car.
  • Have driven the car they are defending, but not the other car, and don’t have their own opinion, just the opinion of others.
  • Are just too stubborn to accept something is better than their car.

This is the bad part. You’re entitled to the car you like, but don’t just dismiss other cars. They exist for a reason. To be enjoyed, to be driven. And if you legit don’t like another car, you’ve driven it, researched it, and have your own solid opinion; then it's all good. You are entitled to your opinion. But in the case you find a car you like, well, carpolygamy did its job, because now you’re more open-minded and will look without bias at other works of art. And what’s wrong with that. There is much fish in the sea, but as a fisherman, you have to keep fishing.

Sadly, no fanbase needs carpolygamy more than Honda. There is too much hate for them, that’s actually unwarranted. I get when Fast and Furious came out, there was a lot of desire to be like those guys. But what looks “cool” in a movie doesn’t always translate to real life. And Hondas were cheap. And this is why the ricer virus spread like the plague, and this was the start of the mass Honda hate. But it’s unwarranted. Sure, the ricers predominantly use Hondas, but that’s just because they're cheap. Any car could get riced, so we shouldn’t hate Hondas but dislike the ricers. And I know we can’t save all of them, but for one dollar a day, we can turn a ricer into a certified tuner. Donate to Tune-A-Ricer today. Together, we can save the world’s car population.

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The Difference Between Ricers and Tuners, and People's Right to Express Opinions

Brings me to my second point though however. NOT EVERYTHING IS RICE!!! Rice rockets are obvious to point out. The word R.I.C.E is actually an acronym for Race Inspired Cosmetic Enhancement, but I like to use another meaning for it. Retards Invent Crappy Enhancements!!! These are aftermarkets parts, bought by the ricer, which are usually poorly made and do nothing to help the car's performance. Most of the time, the ricer is inexperienced and doesn’t know. This can change…sometimes…over time, like a phase.

But not everything is a riced car. You have nice cars, cars most people will universally agree are fast and nice. And you have riced cars, which most people will universally agree have been sent to car Armageddon by some inexperienced kid. And then there's the cool section of cars which I like to call, “It looks nice fam, but I wouldn’t do it ...” These are the cars tuned by someone, following all the proper tuning tricks of the trade. And yet, something about their car doesn’t suit your fancy. Maybe it’s the color, the way the rims look. But just based on that you shouldn’t call it rice. There's nothing riced about it. It's just not something you would do. And that’s fine. Individuality, when it’s good, is good.

Human beings aren’t meant to be “copy and paste” imprints of one another. We each have our own soul, expressed in our own way. And this is nowhere truer than with cars and how we tune or set them up. Just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it rice.

Carpolygamy is there for the appreciation of the grind it took to make their ride “theirs.” Respect a person’s work and give credit where credit is due, even if you don’t necessarily like it. Remember, respect and like are two very different things.

Questionable Logic


Finally, we have the person that hates a brand because a car they used to own was bad. I hear this a lot from former Ford, Nissan, and German luxury owners. They used to own one of those cars and got a bad car with a probably horrendous service report. Why I have a beef with these guys is simple. Most people with this complaint buy used, in which case it is not the car's fault for being bad, but the previous owners. And the dealership you’re buying it from is just trying to make a buck, so don’t look to them. It’s up to you to see the signs when the prospective car you want is a dud.

The other type of person is one who bought a new car and didn’t like it, and thinks that his dislike of this one model should be spread over to the whole brand. This is short-sighted, as comparing a Chevy Equinox to a Chevrolet Corvette is apples to oranges. One just isn’t and will never be like the other. You just need to become a better car shopper. And with carpolygamy, you can, as you’ll have the knowledge of multiple models, within your interests, and the foresight to ask for multiple test drives to see which one suits you best.

In Summary...

With all that neatly wrapped up, I hope you understand what #Carpolygamy is and why I made the hashtag. As car fans, we are a small community, and if we want it to grow, we have to delete the lines of division and embrace everyone for who they are, car guys. It ain't easy, but if we all work together, we can make an even better, flourishing community.

© 2018 Joshua Nightshade

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