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Sympathy for the Tailpipe

Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.

This is a tailpipe that is used on an automibole.

This is a tailpipe that is used on an automibole.

Writers note; the brand-name, Mickey Thompson Headers used in this hub is only for editorial use. Not a way to entice you to buy them. Thanks, Kenneth.

The good thing is: I have unearthed what I think is the most-neglected pieces of automotive equipment since the introduction of the gas-powered car by the late Henry Ford. The bad thing is: I have not found one group or one person who wants to have daily protests to raise importance of the tailpipe. Do not put it past those groups in the USA who tromp and tramp down Main Street, Anywhere, USA, to hold signs high in he air and when a news crew arrives, a lot of needless yelling is heard. You know the type. You can probably see it on almost any TV network you choose.

Have you ever, in your adult life, ever stop to think about the importance of the tailpipe? If you feel ashamed, I did too when I realized just how I have overlooked the humble tailpipe for over 50 plus, years. I need to be whipped with a strand of wet spaghetti. No. That is wrong to abuse food and use it for legal punishment. I need to be shown on the networks in the first paragraph where I talk about the networks who love to broadcast any cause as long as these networks are present. That is punishment enough.

Tactors have tailpipes. You see? Tailpipes do not discriminate against any automobile.

Tactors have tailpipes. You see? Tailpipes do not discriminate against any automobile.

There is more that meets the eye with a tailpipe. When we were kids, we were amazed by tailpipes and what they did. Of course, I was amazed with a full-glass of water. I was not hard to please. The tailpipe has been around for so many years, I cannot work hard enough to write just how much our country has profited by the lone tailpipe.

For years upon years, the tailpipe has just stuck in its original location at the bottom of the right bottom of cars and this important invention is to be credited for ridding those awful exhaust fumes created by gasoline-burning engines. But all in all, through it all, the poor old tailpipe just takes it on the chin, keeps their chins up and keeps quiet about how ugly the car or truck owners have treated them.

Am I overstating my gripe? Possibly, but not that much. Tailpipes can come on cars with a single pipe and most guys like cars and trucks with “twin’s” or a double pipeline that can make some serious noise when the car or truck rolls through town. In my day, “twin’s’ were the way to go. And the twin girls were not that bad. (Ha. Ha.)

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Look! Big rigs have tailpipes that loo sharp.

Look! Big rigs have tailpipes that loo sharp.

I remember the time in the late 50’s when those duck-tailed greasers, the guys that drove fast, tricked-out cars and wouldn’t show their faces in public without a loud set of pipes that sang a song of rebellion to one and all to hear. But the fact is, the poor tailpipes did not offer to say one thing in defense of itself. To me, this defines courage under exhaust.

And to make their fast cars sound even faster, these grinning, cool-looking clothes torn to look tough, put chrome extensions at the end of their tailpipes. What a growling that was. I even did with when my dad let me drive our family car, and I talked him into putting a chrome extension on the pipe. I felt like I was 18, and signed-up for the Draft. Of course, I was and had done so.

The “Cadillac of tailpipes” are at the top of the mountain. They go by the names of: Headers. Loud, tough and very respected. And so expensive that they even look expensive. A guy who created such headers was named Mickey Thompson and his creations were responsible for many cars who loved the mellow songs that came out of those tuned pipes. Thompson was a Beethoven when it came to headers. I had a friend who did own those type of headers. I rode with him in his borrowed car thanks to his uncle who formerly made a good bale of cash by drag racing in Chicago. Yes, my friend’s borrowed car, a ‘62 Chevy, by the way, looked and sounded the part. Clint Eastwood or even Charles Bronson could not have competed with this car.

As time went on and my friends and I grew up, or tried to, grew to like, (gulp, choke), cars with quiet pipes. Okay! I said it. Quiet cars. Girls who we dated loved quiet cars and I grew up like it because I could romance them better than if I had to yell at them. Yes, the tailpipe has endured more smoke being pushed down its throat than anybody I know. But they hang on. I love that trait about tailpipes.

Why devote a subject such as a tailpipe? Because I didn’t have any pretty girls to write about it. Well at least the men readers should appreciate it.

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© 2022 Kenneth Avery

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