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Is Your Dog a Republican or a Democrat?

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Tom Lohr is a navy veteran, world traveler, adventurer, baseball fan and hot dog aficionado. He loves dogs and hates political correctness.

The Politicization of EVERYTHING

When the 21stcentury rolled around, I couldn't wait. “Finally,” I thought, “I will get a flying car.” Instead the new century has been full of disappointments, I wasn't surprised; we should have landed on Mars in the 80s. One thing I didn't see coming was the politicization of EVERYTHING. Politics has weaseled its way into every facet of our lives. From players trying to make a point at a sporting event, to actors turning award acceptance speeches into manifesto-like monologues. Even the Nobel Peace Prize has turned into a liberal beauty contest (someone please explain to me why Yasser Arafat, Al Gore and Barrack Obama have Nobel Prizes).

The 21st Century Wasn't Suppose to be Like This

Instead of a Star Trekesque 21st century where everyone and their opinion is valued, there are riots to keep people from speaking and attacks on people for slogans on their clothing. There are even folks that refuse to date someone with differing political points of view. Instead of entering an age of tolerance, we plowed into an era of divisiveness based on politics. People are getting unfriended on social media and uninvited from family events. It is enough to make you stop and think how much of this political nonsense has invaded your life. At least your dog loves you for being you, no matter what side of the political coin you are on. But what about your dog? If EVERYTHING is political these days, where does your canine stand on the issues? Is it a Democrat or a Republican. Think of the horror if you find out that an animal with a political affiliation differing from yours is sleeping with you, licking you, and making you pick up its poop. Would that warrant tolerance or a trip to the shelter for a drop off?

Politics Has Gotten to Our Pets

Since EVERYTHING is political these days, it is inevitable that your dog self identifies as either a Democrat or Republican. How can you tell which way Lassie leans? Since they can't speak, only their actions can determine how liberal or conservative your pooch is. If you are dying to know (and you are because EVERYTHING is political), here is a simple test to determine if you can confide and commiserate with your canine, or give serious thought to having it euthanized.

Do Our Dogs Share Our Political Beliefs?

Watch your dog for a week or two and observe its behavior. Liberal and conservative humans behave differently, and so do dogs. Each of the ten listed behavioral traits has an A or B answer. Watch your dog closely, and then add up the amount of type A and B conduct it displays. That will give you an answer.

1. Begging for Food

All dogs love human food. But how they go about getting it makes a huge difference. Most liberals love a handout. The government (that would be you for your dog), should provide a meal for everyone and everything. Conservatives, on the other hand, believe your food should be earned. No work, no food. Tough cookies for you.

Does your dog:

A. Park itself by the table during mealtime and beg for morsels of your meal? Often giving you the “I'm starving” stare.

B. Eat what is put in their dog bowl, considering it a fair trade for security, companionship or both.

2. Poop in Other People's Yard

Liberals love cool things like energy producing windmills, community gardens, and homeless shelters. That is unless they are built near their domicile. Those things are nice, but they should be a nuisance to someone else. Conservatives typically embrace things they support, even it is a thorn in their side.

Does Your Dog:

A. Like to wait to poop in someone else's yard or on the sidewalk while out for a stroll. That mess is for someone else to clean up.

B. Typically drop a dookie in its own yard. My poop, my responsibility.

3. Protect Your Property

Other than something made by Smith & Wesson, nothing deters bad guys like a barking, snarling dog that sounds like it could make your afternoon look like a scene from Jaws. Republicans are notorious gun owners and fully support the “Stand Your Ground” laws. Think of Clint Eastwood holding a shotgun and yelling “get off my lawn!” If they are not known or invited, they are a threat. Democrats however, love the idea of open borders and everyone is welcome without reservation. Regardless of their intention.

Does your dog:

A. Greet strangers with a wagging tail, drooling licks and whimpers for this unknown person to give them a belly rub.

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B. Displays a full set of flesh-tearing teeth and loud barks until it knows a person's intentions.

4. Hog the Bed

Even a smallish dog can cover an incredible amount of bed space once it sprawls out. Sleeping habits can be very telling about your dog's political affiliation.

Does your dog:

A. Take up an inordinate amount of bed and then become upset when you try to move it so you can actually fit as well? That is the “what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine” mindset.

B. Curl up either on the floor of at the foot of the bed so its human can get some quality shuteye as well.

5. Love Trips to the Vet

Nothing is as sacred to democrats as free healthcare. Many mistakenly believe it is a human right. But if it is a human right it must be an animal right as well, right? How your pooch reacts to trotting into the vet's office is very telling.

Does your dog:

A. Enjoy its trip to get checkups and vaccinations? Nothing is more comforting knowing that their health will be taken care of; at the expense of their human.

B. Loves a car ride, but instantly recognizes when you pull into the vet's parking lot. Then, refuses to get out of the car. That dog will eventually let the vet check it over or administer care, but only when forced to.

6. Chase Squirrels

There is nothing more exhilarating for most dogs than to chase down that tree rodent known as a squirrel. Most do nothing in the event that they actually catch one. It's the sport of the chase that they enjoy.

Does your dog:

A. Leave squirrels alone. After all, a chase has a winner, and if there is a winner there has to be a loser. That dog does not want to damage the squirrel's self esteem by actually winning the chase. Everyone deserves a trophy or none at all.

B. Break the sound barrier as it bolts after those varmints. After all, chasing squirrels is what dogs do.

7. Thunder

Those loud rumbling sounds from the sky can be a mystery to a canine. They don't know the source and that is scary. It might actually be gunfire.

Does your dog:

A. Cower under the bed, in your lap or in the closet when a thunder-laden storm charges through? They hide because, it might be gunfire.

B. Run outside to see what the ruckus is about, or even bark back at the thunder. They want to know what and where it is because, it might actually be gunfire.


8. Leave the yard

Some dogs love to explore if the gate it left open. Given the chance they will roam the neighborhood and sniff everything. Others will never leave what they perceive as their property line.

Does your dog:

A. Bolt at every chance and run around the hood in search of free food or pets? Perhaps even looking for a more generous owner? In other words, a mooch.

B. Stay in the yard and threaten to bite the hell out of anyone that trespasses. In other words, a guardian.

9. Go Crazy When You Get Home

Dogs can have separation anxiety. Many nearly bowl you over with happiness when your return from even a short trip. How they greet you can define a dog's political affiliation.

Does you dog:

A. Whine, pee and jump like they thought you were never coming back. They NEED you to come back because they really cannot do anything for themselves.

B. Wag its tail and seem modestly happy when you walk through the door. That's their way of telling you, “hey, glad you made it back, but I had it all under control here.”

10. Graze or Guzzle Food

Some dogs need to be fed on a schedule with a certain amount of food. Otherwise, they will eat until they explode in an impressive display of gluttony. They do this because food tastes good, and it tastes even better because they don't have to pay for it. They will continue to consume until the food is all gone, and then beg you for more. Others only eat when hungry and you can leave food in their dish and refill as necessary.

Does your dog:

A. Eat like there is no tomorrow? Consuming as much as possible because they have no idea that it actually cost their human money. Even eating the portion meant for other dogs in the household when possible.

B. Eat enough to be full and then stop. Saving the leftovers for the future.

Do You Have a D or an R on the End of the Leash?

There you have it; ten traits that can determine who your dog will pull the lever for in the ballot box (when they finally get the right to vote). Tabulating the results is simple. Tally up how many A traits and B traits your dog exhibits.

If the majority of the answers fall under the A category, you have yourself one liberal hound. It will most definitely be a democrat when it registers to vote.

If most of the answers are in the B category, your own a conservative canine. It holds the GOP in high esteem.

If your answers are evenly split, you likely have a independent or Libertarian as a pet.

Just because your dog and you do not stand in the same political arena, there is no reason to put it up for adoption. You can learn much from listening to (or observing the actions of) others on the other side of the spectrum. And dogs make no excuses for their beliefs. If your pet really is your political opposite, try exhibiting some of that love and tolerance that each political party claims to (but rarely does) practice. Then, give your canine companion a milk-bone.

Where Does Your Dog Stand?


Liz Westwood from UK on August 10, 2019:

This is a quirky and fascinating take on the times we live in. Not being a dog owner and living in the UK I can look on with some amusement. But I am very aware that the uncharted political waters that we are sailing through in the UK, having recently changed our Prime Minister and heading towards Brexit, offer themselves up to a similar exercise.

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