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Funny Pet and Livestock Classifieds

Attention Animal Lovers!

I love reading through the animal section of the classifieds. It has been years since I adopted a pet or bought livestock from a newspaper ad, but I still love to browse.

Sometimes the ads are very tempting. Who wouldn't be attracted to an ad for "cute bunnies" or "newly hatched chicks"? I've been almost persuaded to by "baby Hamp piglets" even though I don't have a place to keep one these days, and if I had a water source "snow white geese" would be living in my yard.

But, alas. I no longer live on a two acres couldn't possibly house the menagerie I would adopt if I had the means. But...that doesn't stop a girl from window shopping, right?

Over the years I have collected a charming supply of strange and funny pet ads and fliers while perusing the pet and livestock classifieds. Since I have mostly lived in farm country, ads for animals have always been abundant.

Many of these are very amusing--either because the authors are incredibly blunt, or because someone forgot to edit properly for spelling and wording.

Here are the best from my collection:

Stop Horsing Around!

Wanted: Free horse. Appalachian perfered, one with black spots. I have horse expereice and am good rider, so a broken horse or not okay. Would perfer one that is gilded. (how much does it cost to have a whole horse dipped in gold these days?)

For Real? Or Just Bad Wording?

We may never know if they meant to say what they advertised. An extra vowel, an incorrect comma...those little things can sure make a big difference when you are selling something.

  • LOST! Female cat, adult, solid black. $5000 reward. (here kitty kitty!)

  • Chihuahuas for sale. Small boy-toys free to good home.

  • 5 yr old, marmalade tabby. Neutered, gentle with kids. Rehoming fee of $25. Comes with own bowels, carrier, and toys. (good, I like a gutsy cat!)

  • Want to buy--Rottweiler chihuahua . Need small dog for kids. Must be gentle, house-trained, good guard dog and healthy. ( that even possible?)

  • Needed! Gentle horse. Must be at least 15 hands, good with new rider. Able to carry 40. (forty...? People? Pounds?)

  • For sale--tame donkey. Sweet, good pet. Have to sell because neighbors are complaining about his bra. (It shouldn't be any of the neighbor's business what the donkey wears.)
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Pet slug: $25 re-homing fee. Have 300 babies left. Slimy, disloyal, bad chewing habits. Litterbox trained.

Pet slug: $25 re-homing fee. Have 300 babies left. Slimy, disloyal, bad chewing habits. Litterbox trained.

Honesty..Not Always The Best Policy

Some animal ads focus on honesty as a selling point.

  • Free to a good home. Horrid little dog. Some kind of terrier, thinks she is a pit-bull. Bites everyone. Recently had surgery to remove my wedding ring. Recuperating fine, vet says she can travel.

  • Free! Really stupid cat. Keeps jumping on cookstove. Needs loving owners who provide supervision.

  • For sale: 1 gay boar. 2 years old, hamp cross. Tame, great for pet or snake control.

  • For sale: Rottweiler female. Very friendly, well trained. Comes with 1 free orange tabby kitten whom she loves and guards fiercely. Love the dog, boyfriend hates cats though. Dog won't be parted from kitten. $150.

  • Free: Ugly dog. Dachsund/cocker spaniel/terrier/something else. Short, fat, and hairy. Great with kids.

  • For sale: OCD poodle.

  • For sale; Smelly parakeets. Two males, three females. Belonged to ex. $5 each.

  • For sale: Some kind of wild, paranoid chickens. You catch. $6 each or the whole flock for $20.

  • For sale: 43 very fertile hamsters. $2 ea. Also, 25 cages and tanks, water bottles, 3 bags of shavings. Make me an offer on the whole set-up.

  • Free to a good home: Cat who had kittens on my antique sofa. 4 kittens, all black. Package deal.

  • 55 gallon aquarium. Smells like dead fish. $50 obo. Will trade for rabbits.

  • Neutered Yorkie. Marks everything. Great dog if you don't mind pee

Breeding Stock

Anyone who runs a farm, or who raises pets to sell knows that having good breeding stock is very important. Sometimes you get what you pay for, though:

  • For sale: 1 Buff Orpington hen, 2 yrs old. Great brood hen, but will only set duck eggs. Ducks are jealous.

  • For sale or trade: Tom turkey that is attracted to guinea hens and dogs.

  • For sale: Two female collies. AKC papers, spayed. 1 year old. Will make beautiful puppies.

  • AKC registered Great Dane stud for sale, 2 years old. Has produced 31 litters of puppies (some on premises). Great breed stock. Had major hip surgery last month. Needs a good home and TLC. (that's how every dog wants to break a hip.)

  • Free to a good home: One queen anne sofa and one chihuahua who is in love with sofa leg.

Chihuahua for sale--insists on red wine after dinner.

Chihuahua for sale--insists on red wine after dinner.

Howdy, Stranger...

  • Free to a good home (slight rehoming fee) Two dachsund puppies. Must go together. I will need to inspect every room of your house first to make sure you are not a puppy mill or illegal breeder or dog abuser. I will make surprise visits for the first year to check on puppies.

Her Royal Highness

Lady Bella is a two year old calico female. She is free to a good home following these conditions:

  • You must live within (name of upscale neighborhood)
  • You must be willing to cook her meals
  • She eats only farm fresh and organic meats
  • She is bathed twice a week
  • She is allowed to do as she pleases in your home

Lady Bella is very special and deserves to be treated as a lady.

Pets With Stipulations

I guess I am a little old school when it comes to animals. I love them, but animals are animals, and humans are humans.

I'm the "mean" pet owner who doesn't allow animals on the furniture (and certainly not in my bed. They don't eat from my plate, (or my fork), and they are NEVER allowed to lick me in the mouth. That said, they have their own bed, their own dishes, and plenty of love.

These following people stretch the lines between animals and people a bit thin. Some even border on creepy. At the very least, there are some strict rules ahead:

  • Free to a good home--12 week old mixed breed puppies. I have spent a lot of time and money raising these puppies so I am charging a rehoming fee of $100 per puppy. That is so i know you are a good person because only someone who can afford to take care of them will pay the fee. I wont let these puppies go to just anyone. there are rules though. I will want to meet with you and tour your home before you can adopt a puppy. I will be checking that you have a clean house and can afford to care for a pet. I don't want these puppies to go to anyone who already has pets. They deserve undivided attention. You must have a large fenced yard, and a home big enough to accomadate a pet. I will inspect that you also have pet supplies such as a harness (no collars!), leashes, pet furniture, vitamins, shampoos, grooming brushes and food. You will have to choose a vet before you adopt too, I will want to check that your vet is good.

  • Free to a good home--Male tabby cat, neutered, 3 years old. Am moving to another state and can't take him with me. I will miss him. Please only respond if you are willing to write or call me regularly with updates on Tabs for the rest of his life. I would appreciate pictures too. $35 rehoming fee.

  • Re-homing fee: Am having to part with my brindle American Bulldog. He is 4 years old, neutered, and well-trained. If you can't pay the fee then don't respond. He is NOT FOR SALE. Selling an animal is insulting. The fee is to guarantee that he finds a suitable owner. He is to be fed Alpo every other day, and my own recipe for home-made food on alternate days. I will give you a copy of his feeding requirements.

  • Male mastiff for sale--5 months old. Father weighed 197 pounds. I will need to see your home before the sale is final. You must have a very large fenced yard with shade trees. He must be allowed to stay indoors except to potty and exercise. He is used to sleeping in the bed with us. We will NOT sell him to anyone who uses a kennel. He should either: sleep in your bed, have a large pet bed in your room, or have access to a spare bedroom. He will be a large dog and will need plenty of indoor space.

  • Free--(rehoming charge) 1 year old Great Dane puppy, Papertrained only. Indoor dog only.

  • For sale--11 beloved goats. 2 males, 9 nannies. Have been raised indoors. 1 nanny is a family pet who shares our bed. Must be willing to allow us to visit her often.

  • Guinea Pig--$135 rehoming fee. Want to meet you and see your home. You should have all equipment before inquiring.

How Far is Too Far?

Pet snake? Looooves kids and other pets. Especially mice...

Pet snake? Looooves kids and other pets. Especially mice...

Itsy Bitsy Spider....

  • Free--Pet spiders. All locally caught. Have many varieties. Great for school projects and show-and-tell. Would make great gifts.

Local Wildlife

Country people are softies when it comes to rescuing wild animals. Sometimes things don't go as planned. Here are some people desperate to re-home some wild pets.

  • Wild bunnies--rescued, bottlefed. CANNOT be tamed. Cute...but mean.

  • Pet skunk--rescued as a baby. Gentle and shy. Not de-scented. Fiancée says skunk has to go before wedding.

  • Free to a good home--some kind of snake. I found Pixie in the garden two years ago. She eats bugs, mice, and cat food. She does bite, but I guess she isn't poisonous. Can't take her to college with me and mom says she won't feed her.

Things I've Learned From Pet Ads

These ads barely touch on all the fun animal advertisements I have found. I've learned a lot from animal classifieds though. For one thing, some people have no clue as to what they are talking about. (for ad shows a person advertising a Collie...when the photo clearly shows a black and tan hound.

I've also learned about using politically correct terminology. After all, we don't 'sell' animals. We charge a 're-homing' fee. Maybe I'm getting old and cynical, but trading money for an item is still buying and selling, right?

Hope you have enjoyed these funny pet (and livestock) classifieds. I am off to put "re-homing" fees on my yard sale items. (Hey, it could work!)


Peg Cole from North Dallas, Texas on March 20, 2014:

Some of these people really have interesting requirements for the people who adopt their pets. (Visiting the goat?) Whew. And "Some kind of snake". Oh sure.

rcorcutt on October 28, 2013:

I like the (here kitty kitty)

Nice Hub.

Audrey Hunt from Pahrump NV on October 21, 2013:

These ads are so funny! Will pass along for others to enjoy!

Linda Bilyeu from Orlando, FL on October 18, 2013:

Hilarious!! Typos can be quite amusing!! :)

CraftytotheCore on October 01, 2013:

If it comes with a free oil change, I'm in! LOL

I got a good chuckle from this one Sharkye!

There was a dog online that I inquired about. I was told it was a neufi. The dog got here and was smaller than any dog I have ever owed. She's a border collie mix. This was from a rescue group.

The other thing is that the rescue group had another rescue group come out to check on me to make sure my home was in order. They said I had an "unhealthy" home because I have other pets. (I'm also a farm girl.)

Heheeee...the rescue group stopped short of the driveway because I have no fence.

Well, my grandfather raised cows, bulls, horses, among other animals including dogs. We never had a fence then, and at the cost of $7,000, I'm not going to have one now either. So, all that is a bunch of bologna. The same people who say they need to do a house check probably don't have a fence either...that's why their dog isn't potty trained and pees on paper in their living room. Unbelievable!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on September 08, 2013:

@Stephanie Henkel--That's why I love reading the classifieds! I saw an ad yesterday on a flier that said "Purebred bulldog puppies for sale, part Labrador." I'm hoping that was a punctuation error, lol.

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on September 08, 2013:

@jeannie--indeed! I had some of those hamsters once. I think even the boy hamsters could get preggers! Thanks for reading, and I am glad it gave you a laugh. :)

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on September 08, 2013:

@MizBejabbers--That is really weird. Around here the pet owners in the shabby neighborhoods usually take better care of their pets than they do themselves! I'm glad that your puppies went to good homes. :)

W1totalk on September 07, 2013:

Pets can sometimes get one place to be. It might be best, even though the ads can be hilarious, to remember you can provide with them, with a solid home. Great hub.

vandynegl from Ohio Valley on September 06, 2013:

Oh, these are hilarious!! I love the OCD poodle one....I'm picturing it now! Thanks for sharing these!!

vandynegl from Ohio Valley on September 06, 2013:

Oh, these are hilarious!! I love the OCD poodle one....I'm picturing it now! Thanks for sharing these!!

Rebecca Mealey from Northeastern Georgia, USA on September 06, 2013:

I have three dogs that I consider as my children. They have access to every part of my house that my children or grandchildren have, including my bed. I would not dream of having it any other way!

Stephanie Henkel from USA on September 06, 2013:

OMG! It's hard to believe some of these ads are for real! A couple of spayed females who will make beautiful puppies? Really?

I know that some people have to get rid of pets that they really love, but some of these ads seem to defeat the purpose. Thanks for the laugh!

Jeannie Marie from Baltimore, MD on September 06, 2013:

I like the 43 fertile hamsters. Yes, it does indeed sound as if some multiplying is going on. It sounds like Gremlins over there or something. Thanks for sharing and giving me a good laugh.

Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on June 14, 2013:

Sharkye, I just happened to think of something that I should have put in my first comment. Many years ago we lived in midtown, which was not a ghetto but it was a changing neighborhood -- for the worst. We had some mixed-breed puppies we needed to find homes for, and our neighbor advised us to charge a small fee of at least $5 -- $25. He said this was because riff raff would come get free dogs and not take care of them. They might become the dogs you see on TV, starved, beaten, and dehydrated. Anyway we found good homes for the puppies without advertising them, so we gave them away. Just wanted you to know why there is sometimes a "rehoming" fee. However, large fees for mutts are inexcusable and should still get a good laugh in this hub. I'm still laughing.

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on June 13, 2013:

@Victoria--so glad you read and enjoyed. I have no problem with other people allowing their pets wherever...but if I adopt a pet, then I don't want the previous owners dropping by to make sure I am doing the same, lol!

Okay...I did have a problem with one pet owner I knew...she had several large, never bathed dogs. And she insisted they sleep in the guest bed with the guests...on sheets that had not been washed in so long they were black with dirt, hair and dander. I just don't think that is healthy for humans or pets!

Victoria Lynn from Arkansas, USA on June 13, 2013:

Rehoming fees? Inspecting your home. And the misspellings and misspeakings (yeah, I made that word up). So, so funny. I do let my animals on the furniture, and my dog sleeps right next to me, by the way. :-) I loved, loved, loved this hub. So, so funny. What a collection you have!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 25, 2013:

@Jordan--Haha! That's a great idea! I will use that when I try to sell artwork from now on--"not for sale, just rehoming fee to ensure to these drawings go to a good home". I will of course be visiting your home to make sure you have them hung in the best location. :) Thanks for the great comment!

Jordan Hake from Southwest Missouri, USA on May 25, 2013:

Great hub, Sharkye, I coundn't stop laughing!

Personally, I think the re-homing fee is just a sneaky way to charge for something, and still pretend it's free. Come to think of it, couldn't that be tax-deductible income or something? Hm...

"Free lemonade! (rehoming fee applies)." :)

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 25, 2013:

@MizBejabbers--Awww! I love chows. I had a blue merle chow one. Gorgeous dogs. So glad you enjoyed these ads!

Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on May 24, 2013:

So funny, I’m still laughing. What attracted me to the hub was the picture of the chow. She looks just like my late Tasha, whom we loved very much.

@Gus – I worked classifieds for a newspaper in Texas for a little while. We were instructed to take the ads verbatim over the phone. I now live in Arkansas and anytime I run a classified ad, the newspaper helps me edit the ad down for economy since you pay by the line.

Voted you up, funny, and interesting. If there was a “hilarious” button, I would have clicked on it.

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 20, 2013:

@ChristyWrites--So glad you enjoyed it. I think we all need little dash of humor sometimes amongst all the serious topics. Thanks for reading and voting!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 20, 2013:

@Billy--ugly dogs make good pets, so hopefully that one found a great home. glad you got a laugh from these!

Christy Birmingham from British Columbia, Canada on May 15, 2013:

Awesome list! I laughed as I read through the sections of the ads you posted. A very creative idea for a hub - voting funny of course!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 12, 2013:

@aviannovice--My thoughts exactly! How do you KNOW for sure they are just checking up on pet welfare? even so, it's a little bit of a privacy issue. I mean, if I buy a car or a piece of art, the previous owner doesn't routinely check to make sure I am maintaining it adequately. Too weird for me! Thanks for reading and I hope you got a laugh out of it.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on May 08, 2013:

Oh, that was a riot! I was laughing out loud at a couple of those. For some reason the "ugly dog" one had me laughing the hardest.

Thanks for the laugh my friend.

Deb Hirt from Stillwater, OK on May 07, 2013:

Some of those were pretty amusing. I don't think I'd want a strange person in my house all the time to visit my new pet. Not only that, is it a ploy for checking out my property?

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 05, 2013:

@janet--I know! It took forever to collect ones from papers and fliers. You might only find one every few months or so. Nowadays, you can just pop over to craigslist. I may do a best of craigslist hub soon. Over there, the hard part is finding a normal ad! Thanks for reading and laughing!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 05, 2013:

@Gus--the sad thing, is these people actually had to pay to publish! Some of them should have been signed on for the humor article section. Thanks for reading and glad you liked it!

Janet Giessl from Georgia country on May 05, 2013:

This is absolutely funny. You can't believe people write such ads.

Gustave Kilthau from USA on May 05, 2013:

Question - did the newspapers pay these advertisers for the funny ads? If not, they should have done so.

Good hub here, Sharkey11 :-)

Gus :-)))

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