Holy shit! Watch out for chimps! If you thought lions and tigers and bears were bad then add chimps to your list. A chimp attack is no joke ladies and gentlemen. THEY TARGET THE FACE AND GENITALS!!! Most people are not aware of this but these hairy bastards can be super violent just like their cousins, the insane human! Only thing is, pound for pound, chimps are much much stronger. Most humans are flabby and weak compaired to these bushy beasts. Don't know if even a champion UFC fighter would want to go toe to toe with one of these jungle jerks.
You may have heard of the recent chimp attack in which this lady got her face chewed off by her friend's pet chimp. The thing (his name was Travis) went ape shit on her! Apparently it got pissed off when the lady pulled up in her car and got out waving an Elmo doll at him. He didn't like that at all and pounced on her and started chewing at her mug like it was some popeye's chicken. When the cops showed up, they couldn't tell she was a woman anymore and radioed for backup screaming "This dude's got no face!"
The owner of the chimp had to save her friend, so she dashed back inside her house and grabbed a kitchen knife. Then she jogged back down to the scene and started stabbing the fucker over and over. That didn't stop him so she grabs a shovel and flogs him all over. At this point, there's no telling if the Elmo doll is going to make it out okay or not.
Finally, the chimp stops gnawing on the ladies almost bare skull and makes a break for it. Then cops show up and gasp at the lady's munched up noggin. The search the area and find this angry king kong muthafucka which gives chase to them. The cops hop back in their ride thinking they're safe but the asshole yanks on the door handle and climbs inside. The cop has to blast him with his piece until he runs off again. This time he heads for sanctuary inside the house in his sleeping quarters where he lies in a pool of blood till he is whisked away by angels to heaven. No wait, he probably wouldn't go there.
Anyway, beware of the chimp! The owner was so sad about the whole thing. She had to stab that crazy primate, which was like a son to her, and see her friend all bloody and jacked up. She said that when she started stick'n with the knife, he looked back at her with a face that looked like he, in her words, was saying, "Mommy what are you doing to me?" Whoa! Sucks to find yourself in that position.
Some think the chimp attacked because it had eaten a xanax that day. Others think it might have been because the lady had a crazy hair style and showed up in an unfamiliar car sporting a hostile looking muppet so the chimp felt it had to protect it's territory. I think maybe the lady smelled like something the chimp wanted to attack. Most animals can smell much better than people.
A similar incident happened a few years ago in which an old dude (named St. James Davis) and his chick went to an animal refuge to visit there old pet chimp. It was the chimp's birthday so the old dude brought a cake for him. Unknown to them, some other chimps had escaped from their cage. The two chimps attacked the couple. They chomped on the dude's face and also....his nuts! They chewed through his pants and bit his balls off!
Now I've had some bad days in my life but nothing like that. Whenever I feel a little down I just say to myself "At least my face and reproductive organs aren't getting gnawed off by a big mean animal. And what tops it off is that that guy was being nice to an animal by bringing a birthday cake. No good deed goes unpunished. Don't ever show up in front of chimps with a cake or elmo doll. It's not worth the risk.
That guy survived, (either fortunately or unfortunately depending on your view). He had all this reconstuctive surgery and still lives with his wife. That lady is a saint for staying with him.
Wild animals are unpredictable no matter how long they have been around humans without incident. Same goes for pit bulls, reguardless of the cuteness of their puppies.
After A LOT of facial reconstruction
Chimp Owner's Friend - Victim of Travis
Jake559 on February 04, 2015:
So let me get this straight......the guy's hands were not injured? All I know is the first place my hands would go when something starts gnawing for my nuts.
Randel...aka..Travis' the Primate's Brother on March 29, 2012:
This story about my brother is both slanderous and false...If we were in Florida, he would be innocent for self defense
P.S. Just the look of that Elmo doll makes me want to naw off someones lips
Mike on March 28, 2012:
Yeah and ill bet somewhere some dumbass is saying "the chimp stereotype is FALSE".
Justin on March 12, 2012:
Crazy story. Btw the pitbull stereotype is FALSE!
email@example.com on December 12, 2010:
A chimp is a terrible animal to try and fend off. Cant even run and hide, they can do anything you can do, and with there animal instinct combined with primate abilities your fucked.
Warren Peace on February 26, 2010:
This is what all news writing should be like! AWESOME! Reminds me of the style of the grear Robert Hamburger!
Waren E from HAS LEFT THE BUILDING............ on August 25, 2009:
Glad to see her recovering well,I have a picture of injuries from the scene before she got into the ambulance,it's looks so hopeless for back then!
josh on May 24, 2009:
never play with fire you might get burned same goes for these primates carry a gun just a little advice!!!!
Bunny on May 23, 2009:
OMG...I would actually PAY to see a nightly newscast like this one. Very Clever...Excellent!
Lacure on May 06, 2009:
Okay, this reading was suppose to be funny right? Well good job, because you got me laughing. Um, it was suppose to be funny right?
Pest from A couch, Ionia, MI on February 24, 2009:
They eat each other! Sounds like the bad side of town here...rough I tell ya!
goldentoad from Free and running.... on February 24, 2009:
crazy, chimps are secretly dangerous, they kill each other too