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. . .Or Had You Rather Be

Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.

Number Three . . .

Slow but sure.

Slow but sure.

The terrapin has to be one of my three favorite life forms. If you stop and think about it, what has a terrapin to worry about? Hardly nothing. Except surviving a big, dangerous predator who can crack-open my shell. Now folks, that is very scary. But with all things considered, I will never have to pay rent or own my home. As the famous singing group, The Temptations’ hit song, “Papa Was a Rolling Stone,” “Wherever he laid his hat was his home,” and now you can know a clearer fact about me being a terrapin. As for speed, I may look slow, but ask any Jack Rabbit and they will tell you of how I beat their great, great Grand Rabbit in a race to end all races. And for my food, all I need is some fresh grass or some humble-hearted farmer who grows lettuce each year, and I am set. I will rate myself as being my No. 3 Favorite Reptile for me to be reborn back to earth when I leave this human stage.

Number Two . . .

Popular with female rattlers and lethal.

Popular with female rattlers and lethal.

Let us take a look at what I call the “Gigolo of Nature,” also known as the Rattlesnake. Yes, he is evil-looking. Never known one to snuggle with a lonely woman in bed. You cannot trust a Rattler because they are not to be trusted. Why I want to come back as one of these slick and sly reptiles is easy? Unbridled movement that works with a finely-tuned clock built by Elves in the City of Berlin. Hardly anyone or anything can scare a Rattlesnake. This is another reason why I want to live-out my second life as a Rattler. Instant respect is what I crave as a human. All people and living things need love and respect. Now I can think of two women who were conned to sin against God. One, Even in the Garden of Eden and Delilah, the temptress who persuaded Samson to tell her the secret of his strength. Rattlers also have a great gift of gab, well, rattling. One thing’s for sure: I might be lonely as a Rattlesnake, but I will have all of the respect that I want.

The Winner . . .

Cool and my favorite animal to be if I come back to the earth.

Cool and my favorite animal to be if I come back to the earth.

Now we come to my Number One Animal who I want to be living back in this earth when all of the rules and doctrines are concluded in the afterlife. I want to be a Northwestern Grizzly Bear. Just the name sends shivers down my spine. Not even a Bobcat or this Grizzly fears the Rattler above. But here is the main things that make a Grizzly, uhhh, grizzly. He is most strong and placid. Especially when he is chowing-down on anything that is not nailed down. His appetite is mostly like mine. I love food and so does this fine-looking fella. And the life of a Northwestern Grizzly can easily be summed up in a few words. Grizzly eats and eats during the spring and summer months and minds his own business, but rile him and you have, well I would have a problem because I would hate to be interrupted when I am eating until my heart’s content. But during this eating spree, I will make time for a nice female Grizzly, and we will mate. Then walk away and eat more grass or bologna sandwiches some frightened campers left because they feared me coming, then mate another female. Then it is nearing winter and I am getting drowsy. Ahhh, I see that old cave just up ahead. Time to lay back and snooze throughout the winter months. Oh, and my female mates and cubs are not allowed. You might say that I will have the first Bear Cave.

But what a perfect life the Northwestern Grizzly has. (if the foolish hunters will not bother him.)

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© 2022 Kenneth Avery

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